Should You Hire a P.I. to Find an Estranged Family Member?

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This year, thousands of people in the U.S. will hire a private investigator (P.I.) to find someone who's assumed to be alive and well, but with whom they've lost contact. An example is the parent of an adult son or daughter who's become estranged from them.

The adult child may have moved and changed jobs so many times that the parents no longer know how to reach her. They want to know she's OK, but they don't know how to find out.

If this describes you, or if a member of your family has disappeared from your life under non-suspicious circumstances, here are a few considerations for you before you hire someone to locate them.

Level of service

Once the P.I. locates your person, do you want the investigator to approach them on your behalf, or do you just want an address that you know for sure is current?

If you just want your family member found and not approached, you might be able to find them yourself. If you have a date of birth, social security number, and last known address, they should be relatively easy to find through public records.

Respect for boundaries

How will your family member feel about your investigating her? Many people find it intrusive. Assume she'll find out if you hire someone to find her. There's a chance it could worsen things between you.

If the person you're trying to find has ever accused you of being controlling, disrespectful, intrusive, or overbearing, think twice—and think again—before engaging someone to find them.

Qualifications

According to former federal agent Thomas Martin, P.I., president of Martin Investigative Services, any decent P.I. can locate someone who's not living in a tent in the woods. You need to know as much as you can about the professional qualifications of any P.I. you hire.

How skilled are they at approaching people who might not want to be found? How much experience do they have in these matters? What's their track record?

Get references if you can, and meet with your P.I. in person, if possible, to determine whether they have the qualities you need.

Strategy

What's your game plan once you find the person you're looking for? If they're estranged from you, how well do you understand their reasons for the estrangement?

If you approach an estranged family member without a plan, you may mishandle the reunion and lose an opportunity to reconcile.

Introspection

Related to strategy is introspection. Check in with yourself before taking any action. Why are you thinking of hiring someone to find this family member now? Is there a specific reason for the timing? What are you hoping to achieve by doing this? What are your long-term plans, if any, for the relationship?

Knowing your own heart and mind to begin with will give you clarity and help both you and anyone you hire to understand what you're seeking from their services.

Estrangement is painful, but sometimes you can choose the type of pain you live with until it resolves (most estrangements are temporary).

You might have to choose between the pain of not knowing how the family member is doing and the pain of finding out something you wish you didn't know or of pushing the person further away by your hiring a private investigator.

At Your Own Risk

The middle ground may be to do some research yourself and find out what you can, unobtrusively. Then you can try sending a thoughtful letter that will hopefully inspire a response, and go from there.

Whether you hire a private investigator or find your estranged family member yourself, be prepared for a negative response. This may be especially true if it hasn't been that long since the person chose to cut off contact.

Whatever you decide to do, remember that probably the most important step you can take is to start working today on understanding how the estrangement came to be in the first place. The causes are there to be found if you're open to them.

When you've done your homework and you're truly ready, you'll be in a better position to approach your family member with a decent chance of reconciliation.