Stop Trying to Achieve Happiness

I know the directive to “stop trying to achieve happiness” makes no sense. You probably scrunched your eyes and nose, then scratched your head perplexed as you might have thought, “what the hell?” I promise my ask will make sense by the time you finish reading this blog post. It may seem strange for a coach to oppose any attempt to achieve happiness. Here is why.

Dr. Dawn C. Reid, Certified Mindfulness Coach & Trainer

Source: William Glover, Jr., used with permission.

First, happiness is not a goal. There is really nothing to achieve. You will work hard and put in a lot of effort. Then, once you reach what you consider as happiness, what happens? It does not last. Nothing profoundly changes for you. Then life sets in as it does, and you are back trying to achieve happiness again.

Second, the feeling of happiness is triggered by the emotion of happiness. According to Buddhist psychology and theory, our emotions and feelings are temporary. They are fleeting. For example, if you go on vacation, you are probably happy, right? But what happens when you get home after the vacation? Reality sets in and you may feel a little melancholy. When you buy something new or do something you enjoy, it makes you happy. But after a while, the brain perceives the object or experience as just another “thing” and the excitement diminishes. If someone gets on your last nerve or says something rude, your happiness may plummet and be replaced with negative feelings and emotions.

Third, happiness is already a part of who you are—even if you do not feel it. There is nothing to achieve or gain. There is nothing extra and no new secret. You need to learn how to own your happiness and accept yourself even when you don't feel happy in the moment. As such, happiness is a state of mind, which you can control, improve, and condition your mindset to strengthen your resilience for overcoming sadness, anger, or disappointment.

Yes, through mindfulness, coaching, and continued self-awareness practices, you can improve your mental wellbeing and transition from feeling to feeling, moment to moment, until happiness becomes present within you. When you condition your mind, you improve the quality of your thoughts. Then behaviors that lead to triggering happiness will become automatic, making happiness an automatic mindset. You will be able to change your perception, see challenges as opportunities for growth, and bounce back to a state of happiness.

How to Cultivate a Default State of Happiness

So, stop trying to achieve happiness. You are overworking your mind when you do. Instead, work on conditioning your mind to default to a state of happiness. How do you do this?

• Implement a daily meditation practice. Even five minutes daily will provide mental reconditioning.
• Practice kindness and compassion towards yourself and others. When we give, love, forgive, volunteer, donate, and support others and ourselves, we trigger happiness within us.
• Avoid experiences that trigger unhappiness and increase experiences that trigger happiness. Remember, what you expose yourself to impacts the condition of your mind. Be around positive people. Read positive books and create an affirmation. Cultivate happiness by doing happy actions and avoiding negative unhappy situations.
• When you are unhappy, lean into the feeling—do not avoid or suppress unhappiness. Be with it and understand what is causing unhappiness. Show yourself compassion and self-love. It's ok that you are not always happy. No one is. But you can learn to be “mostly” happy or change your feelings more readily.
• Remember, whatever you are feeling at any given moment is impermanent. Feelings and emotions are like dreams or thoughts. You cannot hold on to them. They only seem to last because when you ruminate on them, you press a mental reset button, and trigger the feelings, repeatedly.
• Find a therapist or life coach to help you with self-reflection, digging deeper into your values, beliefs, and what is important to you, but also to help you work through and leverage your experiences to build your resilience.

I also recommend a great read, The Illustrated Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living, by Russ Harris and Bev Aisbett. My book, Positive Thinking for Positive Being" also covers these topics.

So, now that we are at the end of the blog post, what do you think? What's the one thing you will start doing to cultivate and strengthen the condition of your mind to enjoy happiness at any given moment?