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You are discussing an important topic for children. In my therapy practice, I try to teach couples to put their children's needs first and to have their own needs met elsewhere.
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What children of divorce most want and need is to maintain healthy and strong relationships with both of their parents, and to be shielded from their parents' conflicts. Some parents, however, in an effort to bolster their parental identity, create an expectation that children choose sides. In more extreme situations, they foster the child’s rejection of the other parent. In the most extreme cases, children are manipulated by one parent to hate the other, despite children’s innate desire to love and be loved by both parents.
Parental alienation involves the “programming” of a child by one parent to denigrate the other, “targeted” parent, in an effort to undermine and interfere with the child's relationship with that parent, and is often a sign of a parent’s inability to separate from the couple conflict and focus on the needs of the child. Such denigration results in the child’s emotional rejection of the targeted parent, and the loss of a capable and loving parent from the child's life. Psychiatrist Richard Gardner developed the concept of "parental alienation syndrome" 20 years ago, defining it as:
"...a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."
Children’s views of the targeted parent are almost exclusively negative, to the point that the parent is demonized and seen as evil.
As Amy Baker writes, parental alienation involves a set of strategies, including bad-mouthing the other parent, limiting contact with that parent, erasing the other parent from the life and mind of the child (forbidding discussion and pictures of the other parent), forcing the child to reject the other parent, creating the impression that the other parent is dangerous, forcing the child to choose between the parents by means of threats of withdrawal of affection, and belittling and limiting contact with the extended family of the targeted parent. In my own research on non-custodial parents who have become disengaged from their children’s lives (Kruk, 2011), I found that most lost contact involuntarily, many as a result of parental alienation. Constructive alternatives to adversarial methods of reconnecting with their children were rarely available to these alienated parents.
Parental alienation is more common than is often assumed: Fidler and Bala (2010) report both an increasing incidence and increased judicial findings of parental alienation; they report estimates of parental alienation in 11 to 15 percent of divorces involving children; and Bernet et al. (2010) estimate that about 1 percent of children and adolescents in North America experience parental alienation.
There is now scholarly consensus that severe alienation is abusive to children (Fidler and Bala, 2010), and is a largely overlooked form of child abuse (Bernet et al, 2010), as child welfare and divorce practitioners are often unaware of or minimize its extent. As reported by adult children of divorce, the tactics of alienating parents are tantamount to extreme psychological maltreatment, including spurning, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting or exploiting, and denying emotional responsiveness (Baker, 2010). For the child, parental alienation is a serious mental condition, based on a false belief that the alienated parent is dangerous and unworthy. The severe effects of parental alienation on children are well-documented—low self-esteem and self-hatred, lack of trust, depression, and substance abuse and other forms of addiction are widespread, as children lose the capacity to give and accept love from a parent. Self-hatred is particularly disturbing among affected children, as children internalize the hatred targeted toward the alienated parent, are led to believe that the alienated parent did not love or want them, and experience severe guilt related to betraying the alienated parent. Their depression is rooted in feelings of being unloved by one of their parents, and from separation from that parent, while being denied the opportunity to mourn the loss of the parent or to even talk about them. Alienated children typically have conflicted or distant relationships with the alienating parent also, and are at high risk of becoming alienated from their own children: Baker reports that fully half of the respondents in her study of adult children who had experienced alienation as children were alienated from their own children.
Every child has a fundamental right and need for an unthreatened and loving relationship with both parents. To be denied that right by one parent, without sufficient justification such as abuse or neglect, is itself a form of child abuse. Since it is the child who is being violated by a parent's alienating behaviors, it is the child who is being alienated from the other parent. Children who have undergone forced separation from one parent—in the absence of abuse—including cases of parental alienation, are highly subject to post-traumatic stress, and reunification efforts in these cases should proceed carefully and with sensitivity. Research has shown that many alienated children can transform quickly from refusing or staunchly resisting the rejected parent to being able to show and receive love from that parent, followed by an equally swift shift back to the alienated position when back in the orbit of the alienating parent; alienated children seem to have a secret wish for someone to call their bluff, compelling them to reconnect with the parent they claim to hate. While children’s stated wishes regarding parental contact in contested custody should be considered, they should not be determinative, especially in suspected cases of alienation.
Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to the vast majority of children; it has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate or fear the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child. Alienated children are no less damaged than other child victims of extreme conflict, such as child soldiers and other abducted children, who identify with their tormentors to avoid pain and maintain a relationship with them, however abusive that relationship may be.
References
Baker, A. (2010). “Adult recall of parental alienation in a community sample: Prevalence and associations with psychological maltreatment.” Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 51, 16-35.
Bernet, W. et al (2010). “Parental alienation and the DSM V.” American Journal of Family Therapy, 38, 76-187.
Fidler, B. and Bala, N. (2010). “Children resisting postseparation contact with a parent: Concepts, controversies, and conundrums.” Family Court Review, 48 (1), 10-47.
Kruk, E. (2011). Divorced Fathers: Children’s Needs and Parental Responsibilities, Halifax: Fernwood Publishing.
Your comment reveals that you
Submitted by Missy on February 11, 2016 - 1:55pm
Your comment reveals that you have no comprehension of the problem. You are doing more harm than good.
Your Comment to Ilissa B., MFT
Submitted by ClwMike on August 14, 2017 - 2:40am
Ilissa B., MFT commented, "You are discussing an important topic for children. In my therapy practice, I try to teach couples to put their children's needs first and to have their own needs met elsewhere."
And you, Missy, reply with, "Your comment reveals that you have no comprehension of the problem. You are doing more harm than good."
Maybe I'm wrong, but to me it appears that you're quite possibly an alienating parent as what Ilissa B., MFT said is 100% accurate and correct.
You, again, "Your comment reveals that you have no comprehension of the problem. You are doing more harm than good."
#1 - Comprehending begins with the knowing and understanding that the kid(s) should ALWAYS come FIRST (i.e.- their needs, their feelings, etc.).
#2 - A parent's resentment and bitterness towards the other parent should NEVER be expressed or conveyed to kids as they're innocent in all of it, 100% innocent.
As Edward Kruk, Ph.D., the author of the article states, which in my belief is the moral of the story,
"Every child has a fundamental right and need for an unthreatened and loving relationship with both parents. To be denied that right by one parent, without sufficient justification such as abuse or neglect, is itself a form of child abuse."
Your kid(s) should be loved MORE than yourself, and with that said, that means putting Their Feelings BEFORE Yours. A parent who truly loves their kid(s) more than themselves understand, or should at least, that the kid will grow up, and all that the alienating parent has done and said to the kid(s) is in fact being instilled in their brains, absorbing like a sponge, and though the alienating parent may not see the negative effects then, those negative effects will come out down the road and may dictate their futures and relationships as they're being molded to what is right and wrong by the alienating parent, not knowing that the alienating parent is actually wrong!
Granted, there are parents out there who absolutely no business being a parent, and I'm not a doctor, just a realist, and unless a parent KNOWS that their kid's in a dangerous situation while the other parent, they should ALWAYS leave their feelings out of the picture and NEVER relay how they feel about the other parent to the kid(s), because as the Author says, "Every child has a fundamental right and need for an unthreatened and loving relationship with both parents. To be denied that right by one parent, ------>>>>without sufficient justification such as abuse or neglect
Maybe you missed her point
Submitted by K on February 21, 2019 - 8:52am
I think maybe you missed the point made by Missy in reply to the post made by Ilissa.
When I read that first post, my first thought was that the person who wrote it really did not comprehend what parental alienation is about, just as I think Missy concluded.
It sounds glib, to state that some alleged therapist tries to teach parents to out their children’s best interests first. That should be so obvious that nobody in their right mind could possibly object.
The problem with parents who alienate their children from the other parent (target parent) is that they simply do not put their children’s wellbeing first. They seek to get their emotional wants/needs satisfied by manipulating their children into alienating the other parent. It certainly is child psychological abuse. It causes immense suffering to both the targeted parent and the child (no matter what age the children).
I doubt that an experienced therapist would bother to post “I try to teach [sexually] abusive parents that having sexual relations with their children is wrong, and that they should put their children’s needs first.” Or “In my practice I try to teach parents who physically abuse their children that battering is not good for their children and that they should learn ways to cope with their own anger issues.”
Both of those comments would sound absurd, and they would probably indicate that the person who posted it really dies not have any comprehension of what said abuse entails.
Parental alienation is an insidious, cruel, psychologically abusive behavior inflicted on children by parents who are psychologically disturbed thrnseives. If it were possible to just tell them to put their children’s needs first and put an end to the horror of parental alienation, there would not be so many utterly shameful cases of parental alienation,
See Karen Woodall’s blog or Dr. Craig Childress’s book or website for up to date research on this topic. It is not something to take lightly at all. I’ve lived it with three children now, and I know that it is not possible to just blithely “teach” my ex that his alienating behavior harms my children. (It also harms me, but he simply doesn’t care, because he is an abuser with attachment wounds from his own childhood that he is still not dealing with.)
No therapist who is well informed of this pathological parenting would conclude that it is merely a matter of teaching parents to out their children’s needs before their own. That is obvious to ALL decent parents and certainly all therapists who are at all educated.
Parental Alienation is COUNTERINTUITIVE!!
Submitted by Alana on December 19, 2019 - 11:39pm
That Parental Alienation is *COUNTERINTUITIVE* is the first thing that any professional (or any non-professional for that matter) dealing with any family in which 'PA' is or may be occurring needs to be aware of, or taught, from the outset!
The majority of mental health professionals have no idea what 'Parental Alienation' really is. And if they don't understand what it is, then they are going to get the treatment for it wrong pretty much 100% of the time. Because, again: P.A. is COUNTERINTUITIVE. On the surface it looks like one thing..... but in FACT, it is the complete opposite of that.
And this is tragic, because Parental Alienation does significant life-lasting emotional/psychological damage to children. Parental Alienation is a jail-able offence in a number of countries, because of the severe and life-lasting damage it does to innocent children.
PA: jailable offense
Submitted by Loren M on December 2, 2020 - 5:42pm
I’m wondering if you could provide resources available to help the alienated spouse and children in the US? Is there legislation in the works?What countries do you know of where it is a jail-able offense?
Thank you
Parent alienation
Submitted by Erika on October 8, 2020 - 1:31pm
Hi there! I loved what you wrote. Maybe you can help me!
I’m a parent of a 14 year girl and have been dealing with PA for years. Most of it petty and felt like I could handle myself. A few years ago, things took a random turn for the worst with my daughters and my relationship. I decided to get a therapist for all the parents (step parents included) to go to. I talked about the PA that was occurring and how it was damaging our relationship. The way the therapist wanted to “fix” the situation was by building my daughters self esteem/confidence, so she knows not to “believe everything she hears.”
Forward a few years later, my daughter and I are in a very good place. But....recently, she came out with all this information she’s been holding on to. Stuff her Dad & Stepmom have been telling her over the years. Stuff about our separation- on top of personal things about me. Things like: I cheated, I was controlling, he called the cops on me, I would yell at him, when I lost my virginity, etc.
She broke down and tells me she can’t trust anyone and believes this is why “she is the way she is.”
My daughter, over the past 7 plus years, has had issues such as:
Body ticks (when younger), anxiety, signs of depression, learning disability, ADD (which I’m not convinced she has). As of lately, it’s been anxiety, depression & sleep deprivation and wanting to live me. I feel like I already know the answer to this, but I’m wondering if this whole time, all these “issues” she’s had and has, are because of this adult information she has been told about? The other parents would always use words like, “you give her anxiety.” “Shes afraid of you.”She was referring to me as Satan at her Dads at one point. Stepmom is the one causing most of the problems. She over-communicates with me, and would be the one to call me and let me know all these horrible things my daughter was saying about me. But would ask me not to say anything to my daughter cause she would get mad at her. Narcissistic behavior!
I have a private therapy session set up to let her know what information was just released to me. But I’m worried that nothing will come from this. I’m worried the damage has been done and it can’t be fixed. Should I be doing something more? I’m so lost and don’t want my daughter to suffer anymore.
DV by Proxy
Submitted by Coercive Controller's ex wife on July 25, 2018 - 8:57pm
Putting a child's needs first is exactly what a Cluster B parent is unable to do. Yet, people assume all parents are good parents with their child's best interest at heart. That's just not true. There are some truly evil people out there and some of these people have children who they are incapable of being good parents to. When the abused spouse of a Cluster B disordered individual hears people ask why can't we just get along, it's like hearing nails on a chalkboard. If only you knew the hell we and our children are living.
From one empath to another
Submitted by Leaderofwomen on September 26, 2018 - 4:16pm
I saw your comment and had to respond basically going through this myself for many years. I relate to your comment emphatically and since I believe this is my first comment ever on this site, people misjudge without getting their facts straight or just don't care to want to understand. Speak truth, sister!
Very well stated
Submitted by K on February 21, 2019 - 9:02am
I agree completely with your post. It really cannot be emphasized enough that the alienating parent REFUSES to put their children’s needs first, simply because that parent is deeply disturbed. Thecfirst post, with the alleged therapist who stares that she tres to teach parents to put their children’s needs first sounds like someone who really has no idea what this type of psychological abuse is all about. If it were merely a matter of pointing out that they ought to stop doing it, there would not be much of this gong on.
I also agree with your reference to “cluster B” personalities being the ones who inflict this abuse on their children and the other parents. Both Karen Woodall and Craig Childress discuss this issue too. The borderline and/or narcissistic parent is a very difficult person, one who is incompetent and refuses to put the needs of others before their own. This is why it’s not just a matter of pointing it out.
Thanks for your well written post.
Parental alienation
Submitted by Another one escaped on June 30, 2019 - 4:05am
I totally understand and agree with you. My ex is a horribly manipulative person and I know he will use our child in this way - he did with his other children as I witnessed. Being a covert abuser, he has no love or even care for our child. Shown recently by him not actually asking about the welfare of him in weeks! He is pushing for contact alright but this is purely for his personal possession issues, I just hope that the authorities can now see this for what it is. Something needs to be done about this subject to bring it into the public eye.
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What if the other parent is
Submitted by Anonymous on April 25, 2013 - 9:21am
What if the other parent is an unhealthy parent? How do you protect your child? Yeah, go have fun at dad's house even though he sexually abused your sister and is highly manipulative and emotionally abusive and stalked me for nine months. Yep, have a great time over there.
This article makes no sense when you're dealing with a parent who has a cluster b personality disorder.
The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children
Submitted by Edward Kruk Ph.D. on April 25, 2013 - 12:08pm
As I noted in the article, it is when child abuse and neglect are absent (or not substantiated) and a parent engages in alienating behaviours, then children are at risk. Your point is well taken, and I have pointed this out in earlier posts: co-parenting is contraindicated in established cases of child abuse and neglect. It is thus very important to distinguish between parental alienation (which exists in the absence of abuse), and situations of abuse in which a parent is protecting a child from an abusive parent. I will discuss this further in the third installment on parental alienation, where I will discuss strategies for combating alienation.
This page has helped me so
Submitted by Anonymous on May 31, 2013 - 1:15pm
This page has helped me so much in dealing with the years of parental alienation directed at my dear husband and I, from the mother of his child. If we all share our stories, hopefully one day we can help to save these innocent children!
https://www.facebook.com/StepmothersAgainstParentalAlienation
ffhydhyfu
Submitted by tfhchfvdchg on August 20, 2019 - 12:58am
one day is simply not good enough... that is the problem... this is a fix now situation that the courts have ignored abd abused like the criminals they are and all for profit.
But every single judge out there is corrupt as the system.
No scientific support....
Submitted by Anonymous on May 13, 2014 - 3:24pm
The information you have provided is crazy. So you are saying if a woman was in demostic violence situation and she didn't call the police every single time she must be not telling the truth. Do you know how many woman are in DV and don't report it for fear of their life. I was a DV marriage. When my ex moved out of town on a trip. I was left without him for couple of month. I start waking up from my fear. I changed the locks on the doors and told him I just want time alone. He filed for divorce and kept me in court for 10 years. He refuse to see his daughter. Come to my house on daily bases screem in my yard at my daughter I need to see your mom. Stock me at every step. The judge said that wasn't stocking he was just exercising visition. He refuse to see his daughter unless he sees me. Then the judge changed custody and my daughter went over there. She sent me picture of his computer filled with my picture. Picture of inside our house. The judge said I am not concerned that just because he felt alinated. Once he kill me and I make the new please explain to your daughter how this theory make sense. In corrupt court where woman make less money and abuser make so much more. They can afford the attorney that play golf with the judge you lose your kids and court is just an extenation to the domestic violece. If you wonder about my daughter she is 10 wanting to kill herself because she is living in hell.Judge will not listen to all her calim that her father hit her and force her to call me every five second to know where I am at. No one believe what's happening the police that came over and over to our house because my ex broke in, or when my ex locked my daugher out on the street because she wouldn't call me. All that was because I alienated him he couldn't behave. My thing all along was you can see your daughter just not me. The divorce ended our marriage but our daughter was the only way he can continue to abuse me...Thank to you! I wonder how can you dismiss Domstic Violence have you ever been a victim have you ever stayed up all night wondering if this is the day I will die...Have you ever stayed the bathrom for hours hiding so he will not kill you...There is a reason this is not in the DSM V because it's not real. Domestic violence is real we are not making it up to make men look bad. We die everyday because of this violent...No one protect us.
Thanks for your comment. It
Submitted by Edward Kruk Ph.D. on May 13, 2014 - 5:40pm
Thanks for your comment. It seems to me, from your description of your situation, that you are a victim of both domestic violence and actually also of parental alienation. Clearly both domestic violence and parental alienation are forms of child abuse, and therefore unacceptable.
In regard to your comment on false allegations, although these exist we must take domestic violence seriously, and the best way to do so is to treat this form of violence as a criminal act, with full and speedy criminal investigation of any and all allegations. However, in family court there are constant allegations being made, as the adversarial system sets up people to make allegations in order to win "custody" of their kids. Within such an environment, I submit to you that some fathers and mothers will make false allegations, which are extremely damaging as they trivialize real domestic violence and abuse. Thus it seems to me problematic to say that all those who allege abuse should be believed, and even more so to say that only people of a certain gender who allege abuse should be believed.
Women and also men often don't report abuse out of fear...and part of this is not being believed by the authorities. It disturbs me greatly that those who are mandated to help in these situations often assume that an abuse allegation is false. It disturbs me even more when people actually make false allegations, which have the effect of people coming to disbelieve real abuse reports when they are made. False allegers display a profound lack of sensitivity to the experience of the real terror of abuse. They are examples of the banality of evil: mindless, unthinking, and displaying a complete lack of consideration for others.
Your comment contains another insight: abusive parents don't generally show any real desire to co-parent their children; if they did, they would recognize how their abuse is affecting their children and stop this type of behavior.
Yet another point you make is that judges routinely make mistakes, especially when it comes to allegations of parental alienation. It is not uncommon, as you describe, for alienators to allege alienation and be believed by judges. But by their actions you will recognize them: once they "win" sole custody, these parents typically distance the children from the other parent and, in many cases, aren't that involved in parenting themselves, so children end up with substitute caregivers much of the time. And alienating parents cause their children to not only hate the alienated parent, but also themselves.
Re the DSM-V: that fact that parental alienation is not a "syndrome" does not mean that it doesn't exist. According to parents themselves, and research examining child and parent viewpoints (see the work of Amy Baker and others), it is very real, and is a form of domestic violence and child abuse that is as very bit as damaging as any other type. And it seems to be happening to you, as much as the other forms of domestic abuse that you describe. You thus have an obligation to both your daughter and to yourself to report this domestic violence as a criminal act.
Finally, I believe you are mistaken to suggest that I "dismiss" family violence, as it lies at the heart of my concerns about parenting after divorce. Because of this I get many letters, daily, from women and men in these circumstances. And I agree with your viewpoints on domestic violence: family court judges can't seem to tell apart genuine from false allegations of abuse; court is often an extension of domestic violence; people don't report abuse out of fear for their own and their children's well-being; abusive parents don't generally display any real desire to co-parent their children, as their focus is terrorizing the other parent. To those ideas I add: parental alienation is yet another unrecognized form of child abuse and domestic violence, much to the detriment of children and families.
Again what happen to me is Domstic Violence....
Submitted by Anonymous on May 14, 2014 - 1:36pm
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joan-dawson/parental-alienation-and-d_b_811738.html
This is a great article that really explain why PAS is not a good idea and why it shouldn't be used. Social worker is about defending and giving voice to the victim. People look at your title and treat you as a professional an experet in the feild. People don't know what happening why they are not believed. Please rethink your views and remember that for every one false person claiming abuse there are 99 percent that can't speak because PAS is not allowing them to speak. I recently went to Domestic violence support group where this woman had been beaten over and over and will not leave because she left before and her ex ofcourse with money and influence got the kids. She said I die is better than my kids die...Be the voice of the victim...That what school workers are....
I think my article is clear
Submitted by Edward Kruk Ph.D. on May 14, 2014 - 1:56pm
I think my article is clear that parental alienation applies to "children who have undergone forced separation from one of their parents in the absence of abuse." It seems from your account that this has happened to you, in addition to domestic violence. I reiterate (and I have said this many times): a child's estrangement from a parent which is the result of child abuse (and witnessing violence against a parent is a form of child abuse) is not parental alienation; parental alienation is the estrangement from a parent in the absence of child abuse.
alienation is real
Submitted by Anthony Peterson on June 4, 2015 - 12:50am
Im too a victim of alienation from my daughter 22 yrs ago. My daughter went as far as to a complaint in writing some disgusting lies to sick to write here. No the judge telling me the bout the complaint when I asked during a hearing absent the mother. The judges behavior facilitated this gross act. Now after finding my daughter how do I tell I never left her? I dont want her to kno wat her mom did. Its not something a child should hav to try to understand or figure out. Bc of this I made it clear to my daughter that my concern is her and not her mom. I should not (will not) hav contact w her mom. The mom never planned for the day I've been waiting for 22 yrs....to kno my daughter.
You sound like my lying father
Submitted by Ann Coghlan on August 29, 2017 - 8:03pm
Somehow I suspect your daughter wants nothing to do with you - I certainly do not want anything to do with my biological father. He did do some disgusting things and I witnessed them first hand. If you think you can get back at your ex through your adult child, you are very wrong. My advice is to let her make contact if she wants. We (the so called 'alienated children) have a right to a peaceful life.
alienation is real
Submitted by Anthony Peterson on June 4, 2015 - 6:20pm
EDITED VERSION I too am a victim of alienation from my daughter 22 yrs ago. My daughters mother went as far as to a make a complaint in writing some disgusting lies to sick to write here. I was not told by the judge telling when I asked during a hearing absent the mother. The judges previous adversarial behavior facilitated this gross act. Now after finding my daughter how do I tell I never left her? I dont want her to kno wat her mom did. Its not something a child should hav to try to understand or figure out. Bc of this I made it clear to my daughter that my concern is her and not her mom. I should not (will not) hav contact w her mom. The mom never planned for the day I've been waiting for 22 yrs....to kno my daughter.
You got it right
Submitted by ChildoftheEnemy on November 22, 2016 - 11:06am
As the child of divorced parents who have spent the last 50 years tormenting one another through their children, I believe you are absolutely correct in your beliefs about PAS. I am fortunate to be a survivor, while my siblings turned to addiction to diminish their feelings of utter worthlessness, hopelessness and betrayal. It was abundantly clear to us that no one cared about our welfare; their war was all consuming...and they relished every minute of it while we were wracked with guilt. We felt guilty if we contacted the alienated parent. We felt guilty if we did not. We felt guilty that our mere existence had put our mother into the living hell of having to raise us and support us. We felt guilty for simply being. We left home very young -- too young -- and didn't receive a proper education because we needed to get out into the world to support ourselves...to get away from the tension. We were not encouraged to get an education. As a matter of fact, our alienated parent's education was ridiculed, and anyone who wanted to achieve the same thing was identified with him. Yes, he was a horrible person who also had no feelings for his children. The accusations made against him were true (as proved by his very long series of failed relationships), but we should not have felt "responsible" for him or for what he did. Rather than see us as co-victims, our mother viewed us as collaborators in her own destruction. To read the comments by women who argue your position is not a surprise to me. They are wounded. (You indicated up front that you are not discussing situations in which there is abuse.) Thanks for the article. It was good to read that there are others out there who cope with self-loathing and despair as a result of this supremely selfish behavior by parents. What's most astounding is that is it so often cloaked in a veil of victimization and martyrdom...while the children slowly die of lack of love. The parents see it, and don't care. If they can destroy the children of the enemy, they have won.
Thank you
Submitted by Louis on June 23, 2018 - 7:18am
powerful - my years of being not able to see my children are only six but this has really helped me to know I am not alone.
From one empath to another
Submitted by Leaderofwomen on September 26, 2018 - 4:46pm
This is powerful and PAS can happen with or without domestic abuse. I know, I experienced for 19 years dealing with fathers of my children and raised by both NPD and DV parents since I was a child. My wish has been when I marry to be with a loving, caring, man filled with God and peace, unlike my NPD and DV parents. Many times people like that are filled with HELL themselves. No heaven. This dude's article is quite misguided.
Domestic violence
Submitted by trapped on July 7, 2017 - 8:05am
You can re-iterate the same right phrases over and over again. But the reality is that parental alienation, while a genuine problem doesn't compare for one second to the dangers presented by domestic abuse. Either in numbers or the reality of the damage or danger. But every article like this heightens the danger that hundreds of thousands of women and children are in. Every single time you publish articles like this, you diminish the terror so, so many women have to live in and empower their abusers. For every one genuine father who gets to see more of his kids because of an article like this, there are 20, or 50, or 100 men who get to increase their power over a terrified woman. Who are given new ways to control and beat down women.
Articles like this are why I can't ever, ever leave my husband. A man who has put his arms around my neck and squeezed until I've passed out on 3 different occasions. Who gets so drunk/drugged that he has attacked me repeatedly, attacked my mother, destroyed furniture in his parents' house while tantruming. He drives all the time while drugged, he passes out while supposedly caring for our son, he has left alcohol in our son's toy box, drugs in hidden with junk food, etc.
But when I try to ensure that his time with our son is supervised, I am the crazy, selfish mother who is alienating him from his son. If I don't pick up the phone the instant he wants me, repeatedly throughout the day, I'm the unhinged mother trying to keep our very small child to myself. You will come back at me and say that of course I'm not who you are referring to when you describe the bad alienating mothers. But you put power in my abusers hands. He uses your words to turn people against me and I have no power to protect myself because of it. All I can do is stay in a marriage I can no longer stand being in, because by staying I can at least protect my son more than I could if I leave. I don't actually no for sure that I will survive this marriage, I can't say with certainty that this man will not snap and kill me. 20 years ago I could have left and kept my son safe. Today I can't and it's because of articles like this and you need to stop burying your head in the sand and thinking that because you make a few allowances and say variations of, 'well I didn't mean women like you,' that you haven't helped create a legal landscape that has trapped so, so, so many women and children
My child is a "victim" of parental alienation
Submitted by May I C on April 8, 2018 - 4:38pm
Thank you for the article, It helpeme understand allot of things happening in my childs life is exactly what I thought them to be "abuse". My x husband ha taken my son away from me 8 times even at the age of 1, three days after having is hernia surgery, my x said ill give you some rest ill take him to my moms. I called no answer I sent police, only to be told do not disturb they are having his 1st birthday party. 27 days later i was handed my son by the police in his diapers by the grandmother in the freezing cold, only to upset me as if my son was a pawn. i shouldve remembered this woman has had allot of experience with custody battles my x was the youngest of 4 all jailbirds one a child molester the girl married then her man killed himself, then grandma tells my son she has to leave and thats why..
my x, and his mother tag team me and our son. He doesnt tell me when any games are, activities nor events an does not discuss anything at all with me even though i pay for all these activities. Then they tell my son, well,"SHE" doesnt know anything about you if she loved you she would know. Lie to him saying they alone pay for, his glasses, karate, baseball, clothes and the list keeps going. Then when i see my son, and comment on his nice glasses he says, "its not like you paid for them, (yes I actually did), my dad pays for them, and my karate, baseball, etc.. Repeated exactly how they were told to me to abuse me also.
Every time our son is on my time, he tells him and I that there are better things happening where Dads at, in turn our son hates on me the whole time he is with me. Upto and including dad sending our son text messages on the phone i purchased for our son saying, "wish you were here bud" or "everyone misses you". When in reality nothing is going on at Dads. When our son disrespects me while on dads time, dad tells our son "isnt that the way she talks to me".
In turn dad wants full custody, and all i want is our son to have an equal loving relationship with both parents.
Instead we are on our third co parenting therapist, child's law guardian emails me telling me, she doesn't get any paperwork at all and to let her know when the next hearing is on a friday when the hearing is Monday, and shes only seen him once and has made the decision that the 8 year old should talk to the judge.
This whole case has taken too long.. Grandma is making up for mistakes she made raising her four bad kids, and holding on to her sons and grandsons income by going to the extreme to protect her "ASSETS".
PAS is DV. It sounds like
Submitted by Missy on February 26, 2016 - 3:50pm
PAS is DV. It sounds like your ex is/was engaging in PAS.
Parental alienation...
Submitted by Edward Kruk Ph.D. on May 13, 2014 - 5:41pm
Thanks for your comment. It seems to me, from your description of your situation, that you are a victim of both domestic violence and actually also of parental alienation. Clearly both domestic violence and parental alienation are forms of child abuse, and therefore unacceptable.
In regard to your comment on false allegations, although these exist we must take domestic violence seriously, and the best way to do so is to treat this form of violence as a criminal act, with full and speedy criminal investigation of any and all allegations. However, in family court there are constant allegations being made, as the adversarial system sets up people to make allegations in order to win "custody" of their kids. Within such an environment, I submit to you that some fathers and mothers will make false allegations, which are extremely damaging as they trivialize real domestic violence and abuse. Thus it seems to me problematic to say that all those who allege abuse should be believed, and even more so to say that only people of a certain gender who allege abuse should be believed.
Women and also men often don't report abuse out of fear...and part of this is not being believed by the authorities. It disturbs me greatly that those who are mandated to help in these situations often assume that an abuse allegation is false. It disturbs me even more when people actually make false allegations, which have the effect of people coming to disbelieve real abuse reports when they are made. False allegers display a profound lack of sensitivity to the experience of the real terror of abuse. They are examples of the banality of evil: mindless, unthinking, and displaying a complete lack of consideration for others.
Your comment contains another insight: abusive parents don't generally show any real desire to co-parent their children; if they did, they would recognize how their abuse is affecting their children and stop this type of behavior.
Yet another point you make is that judges routinely make mistakes, especially when it comes to allegations of parental alienation. It is not uncommon, as you describe, for alienators to allege alienation and be believed by judges. But by their actions you will recognize them: once they "win" sole custody, these parents typically distance the children from the other parent and, in many cases, aren't that involved in parenting themselves, so children end up with substitute caregivers much of the time. And alienating parents cause their children to not only hate the alienated parent, but also themselves.
Re the DSM-V: that fact that parental alienation is not a "syndrome" does not mean that it doesn't exist. According to parents themselves, and research examining child and parent viewpoints (see the work of Amy Baker and others), it is very real, and is a form of domestic violence and child abuse that is as very bit as damaging as any other type. And it seems to be happening to you, as much as the other forms of domestic abuse that you describe. You thus have an obligation to both your daughter and to yourself to report this domestic violence as a criminal act.
Finally, I believe you are mistaken to suggest that I "dismiss" family violence, as it lies at the heart of my concerns about parenting after divorce. Because of this I get many letters, daily, from women and men in these circumstances. And I agree with your viewpoints on domestic violence: family court judges can't seem to tell apart genuine from false allegations of abuse; court is often an extension of domestic violence; people don't report abuse out of fear for their own and their children's well-being; abusive parents don't generally display any real desire to co-parent their children, as their focus is terrorizing the other parent. To those ideas I add: parental alienation is yet another unrecognized form of child abuse and domestic violence, much to the detriment of children and families.
Your situation
Submitted by Asmo on September 28, 2014 - 2:49pm
Domestic violence is real and its not gender exclusive. Your situation does not eliminate PAS. Sorry for your worries and hope things work out for you.
Your situation
Submitted by Asmo on September 28, 2014 - 2:50pm
Domestic violence is real and its not gender exclusive. Your situation does not eliminate PAS. Sorry for your worries and hope things work out for you.
actually you are wrong
Submitted by Anonomys on May 16, 2015 - 1:05pm
The article clearly states that they are talking about in instances where there never was abuse. My husband's ex just lost custody for parental alienation. She had lied and said he hit her. He never laid a hand on her. She however had hit him. Me and several others were there while they argued and she hit him. He raised his hand and she went around saying he hit her. Then she admitted to lying. Not that she needed to admit to it as so many people witnessed what really happened. Then she told their son that his dad hated him and didn't love him and that he didn't want anything to do with him. She also denied visitation on a regular basis and said it was unfair that he had married me when she had his child.
Actually alienation is severe
Submitted by Missy on February 11, 2016 - 1:59pm
Actually alienation is severe emotional abuse. It is ironic that the abuser is crying abuse, but this is typical with these types - it's called projection. You will know what they are doing by what they accuse you of.
Reporting abuse
Submitted by michelle on November 28, 2016 - 10:08pm
Also, if you report abuse, both parents are equally at fault for child abuse/neglect since they both exposed the children to DV. Financial constrains on stay at home parents put them in a vulnerable situation where they have to comply with the money making parent's dysfunctional behaviors. If you report anything without a place to go or outside help then you risk serious injury or separation from your children. This is probably why parents have to alienate the abusive adult; they have to teach the children how to protect and shield themselves from the indideous trauma of the controlling abuser.
I would be interested on any
Submitted by Anonymous on September 19, 2014 - 7:04am
I would be interested on any thoughts on how PA can affect a child into adulthood; even into middle age. I and my two brothers came from a home where our mother was continually accusing our father of infidelities and thereby bad mouthing our father. When they finally divorced she was devastated and told us all her thoughts. My youngest brother has just committed suicide and, from what I hear, blamed most of his issues on our poor upbringing. My other brother also blamed the unfortunate episodes of his life on poor parenting.
I am not happy to share further information but would be interested in any findings.
From one empath to another
Submitted by Leaderofwomen on September 26, 2018 - 5:04pm
I am sorry about your brother, dear. It is not any of you or your brother's faults if that is any consolation. I have 4 siblings and turned out to be the empath, go figure. You probably are some how. I would read on aspects of that too.
Perhaps you should read the
Submitted by Anonymous on January 18, 2015 - 10:07pm
Perhaps you should read the ENTIRE article, it makes perfect sense. "Every child has a fundamental right and need for an unthreatened and loving relationship with both parents, and to be denied that right by one parent, without sufficient justification such as abuse or neglect"
2nd & 3rd
Submitted by Aaron Jacobs on April 15, 2015 - 3:47pm
I can't seem to access the 2nd and 3rd parts to this article?
Parental Alienation
Submitted by Pamela J Jamison on May 18, 2015 - 6:20pm
Please know that parental alienation takes on many behaviors within the alienating parent to the point of the parent behaving with no conscience, otherwise known as a psychopath.
In my case, the father of our children manipulated our daughter to the point of saying "the only way you'll be able to live with me is if you write a journal of all the things you hate about living with your mother", in addition she was incouraged to lie in an essay in grade 7 in as a history assignment "who's your hero?" and she wrote about how her father is her hero because her mother is abusive. This lead to a full investigation of myself in my work place---the public school---where I am also a mandated reporter. The complete false allegation of abuse and neglect was dropped. However when I went to the judicial court of Boston, Jamison vs the DSS---they upheld the standard of "emotional neglect ". They decided I was not a perpertrator, but could not drop the allegation because it was supported. No findings of abuse or neglect were ever noted.
Parental Alienation is Real
Submitted by Roberto Molina on November 16, 2015 - 8:38am
I am the victim of Parental Alienation. The court custody evaluator said this type of alienation only occurs in 6% of divorce cases. I would like to share my story to help prevent this from happing again. I have lost all three of my sons and may never have a relationship with them because of what my ex did.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Parental Alienation
Submitted by Stephanie on January 2, 2016 - 9:50am
Hi Dr. Kruk,
Thank you for this article. I have been going through this for 3 years with a daughter that I have with a police officer. He's extremely controlling and manipulative when it comes to our daughter. Six years ago when I was struggling financially, I made the very difficult decision to give him custody of her because he was married to a wonderful woman and a great mother. Everything was fine until three years ago when she left him and file for divorce. After that, he would not allow me to see her or talk to her. He said it was because she hated me and she wanted nothing to do with me. He convinced her that I abandoned her and walked out of her life when that was farthest from the truth and I was trying. She has stated several times that she wanted to move back home with me, but when she does he becomes violent with her if she wants to live with me or see me. He even threatened to set all of her stuff on fire if she move back in with me. I told her that I would buy her all new stuff and then it was only possessions but it traumatized her. I even moved into a house that is within walking distance of his house, so that she would know that I was close by. She does sometimes sneak out and come over when he's working. I have called the police and the police report even states that she told them how afraid of her dad she is and how she begged them not to send her back and that she would feel safer living with me, but I guess because he's a cop that it matter and they sent her home with him anyway. I have gone to Child protective services, but they sided with him. Crimes against children even pulled her out of school and she told them everything, but they told me that even though there was evidence of child abuse there was not enough evidence to remove her from him. and this was after he confessed to everything she accused him of. My daughter Bonnie is now 15 but is been manipulated so much she is afraid to come live with me because now her dad says that if she does she will never see him again. I believe that she should have a relationship with the both of us and I have told her that and that I would never take her dad away from her regardless of how he treats me and what he is done to her. I have other children from a previous marriage and my ex-husband is on my side and knows that I am a good mom. Because her dad is a cop, I feel so helpless and I feel like I've run out of options. It breaks my heart to think that it to know that I have missed out on so much of her life and I am continuing to miss out because he has convinced her that I'm not deemed worthy enough. I am so sorry to take up so much for your time, but I just wanted to say thank you for the article.
Thank You,
Stephanie
alienation frm dghter aft break-up
Submitted by Jacqueline on January 5, 2016 - 8:08am
Yr not gng on. I understand exactly how you feel,as I do too. Irreplaceable Years lost btwn mother&daughter cannot be explained in words? Only felt by a mum broken mum, espc aft most of her life looking aft Husband & children then deemed worthless so (He) can do you the worst damage poss,but obv not a care of damage also 2 owndaghter ...He SHLD BE LOCKED UP forworst Abuse that ever was? My Ex did same 2 his kids (aft 25 years)??BUT Son whose 14 years older than his sis, My dghtr has carried on what his Dad started - alienation of me frm My Dghtr, his Sister. I can imagine the damaged self you are? tht wont Ever Heal. ITS ALL WRONG! FAMILY COURT WAS A DISGRACE. A JOKE! SHOCKED!! Keep strong.
Child In CHINS
Submitted by Nicole123 on February 26, 2016 - 3:11pm
We are taking care of a child that signed a Chins Petition against custodial parent. The parent that the child signed the petition against certainly seems to have many emotional issues and has engaged in Parental Alienation according the list of signs and symptoms. The purpose of the ChiNS is to reunite the parent and child. It has come to our attention as the Neutral Guardians, that the step mom of this child has also engaged in PA with significant influence on this child, in regard to the custodial parent. This child is completely against the idea of working toward reunification with the other parent. Is it our responsibility to tell her case worker, state lawyer, or counselor of this influence? Or, do we just stay out of it and let the system figure it out. Thank you, Nicloe
Yes I think you should say
Submitted by Missy on February 26, 2016 - 4:02pm
Yes I think you should say what you are observing. But what you've written is a bit confusing. Who is engaging in parental alienation? The custodial or non-custodial parent? Because the child is against any reunification efforts with the parent that is the target parent or the non-PA parent. I have never heard of an exception to this. And the PA parent typically accuses the other parent of PA either themselves or usually through the child. The PA parent is very good at manipulating the situation that puts them in a favorable light and make it appear that the other parent is engaging in PA (how would you behave if you were losing your child through lies and brainwashing to sociopathic ex - a little desperate and crazy, right? These are not behaviors of an alienating parent).
daughter
Submitted by Rick on March 27, 2016 - 3:05pm
May I ask how you went about seeing your daughter? I too am in the same boat. My daughters mom did and said some very disturbing things that were completely false and it got to the point where I just gave up (biggest mistake of my life). Now, 10 years later, as my daughter is now 15, I really was hoping to be able to see her and hope to start and grow a relationship with her but am struggling with how to do this a I know her mother will surely try to block any attempts I make.
please advise
Submitted by T on April 7, 2016 - 3:56am
Glad to see this article. I could use some direction. I was a young mom who raised my son the first 2 years of his life. He is now an early teen and I've only seen him once since then. It's been ridiculously hard on me and I'm a wreck because of it. I fought for him many years but at a certain point I moved away to try and get a decent job so that I could save for his future, or at least somehow not shrivel up and die. I was dragged back by a friend of my son's father when he was 7, lost everything I built. I wanted to keep seeing my son, but the family was blocking my calls. My son said I waited too long to follow up with him, but he didn't know the truth. I believe a couple of years after that my son called me pretending to be one of his friends. He invited me to a birthday party of his and I really wanted to go. I tried calling his father dozens of times to make sure he wouldn't threaten to call police and be a dramatic and traumatic obstacle, but his father didn't respond. For fear of ruining my son's special day by accident, I didn't go. It was so heartbreaking for me nobody could imagine. I'm honestly afraid to hug my own son because of my exes family. It is not right to destroy both of us like this. I really don't know what to do when his family can afford to evade the law, while I can't afford to enforce it. I was never deemed to be abusive or negligent, I just had less $ and his father had support and loopholes. I'm so distraught from everything, and damaged from careless intervention, that I don't want to make it harder for my boy. I want to do the right thing for him, but I'm so damaged it's hard to tell what's right. I was so angry after the last time I saw him, I can't imagine how much that must've hurt him. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to stay gone as I can't support him, or afford him. After all the lies and horrible things my son has heard, some may have sadly come true over time. One thing is for sure, I never abandoned my son. I'm at a loss, someone please help me make a decision on what's best for my son. This haunts me every single day, and it's one piece of a complex puzzle.
domestic abuser
Submitted by anon mom on April 5, 2017 - 6:56am
My 8 yr old child has seen her father regularly abusively scream into my ear and face backing into the kitchen counter where one day she was sandwiched between us. She pounded on him to stop it. We avoid him. She has mixed feelings. I let him get away with his screaming and disrespect for 10 years. He is addicted to dating sites and porn on tumbx of young women. I believe I went through cognitive dissonance each time he did something awful. He had a prostitute in our home. He recently broke my hand and lies saying it I broke it. His church is backing him up but he tells them one story. When I have wanted out if the relationship he commands me to concentrate on mothering our child. He is passive aggressively not giving me enough money for my child's needs. He has bought himself new clothes and goes out to expensive dinners with others people I don't know. Will the courts even look at all this and HIS character? He wants to spend time with her, overlook and pretend his behavior is normal. Why would anyone think teaching a child to turn her mind away from abuse of the mother is okay? Don't we all want these cycles to stop? He sent me this article himself to further confuse, shame, abuse me and doubt myself.
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