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Infertility

The Blame Game in Infertility

Infertility causes relationship strain as couples cope with stressors.

Key points

  • Partners may blame themselves or each other for infertility, disrupting communication and desire.
  • Infertility can cause depression, anxiety, and a sense of failure that can profoundly impact the relationship.
  • Partners complain that they don't recognize the person they fell in love with and worry they are gone forever.

When couples have trouble getting pregnant, it challenges them to think about why they want a family and what their relationship truly means to them. Most couples feel that the foundation of their relationship is shaken as they find ways to cope with stress, helplessness, and feelings of guilt, frustration, and—in many cases—blame.

In some relationships, the blame game might start out with partners blaming themselves or each other for infertility or medical diagnoses. One partner might point fingers at themselves or their significant other, throwing in a side of anger that interferes with everything—from communication to sexual desire. A common storyline for this situation is that one partner resents the other for wanting to wait longer to start a family. Or, the blame might fall on certain habits, like smoking, skipping the gym, or eating poorly.

Expectations and communication take a hit, too. Infertility often drags in unwanted guests, like feelings of depression, anxiety, and a sense of failure that can further stress the relationship. It can be hard to connect with a partner who is frequently withdrawn, depressed, tired, and seems uninterested in the things you both used to enjoy doing together. In fact, many partners will complain that they no longer recognize the person that they fell in love with and even may fear that they will never get that person back.

But there is good news: When couples find themselves stuck in this blame loop, counseling can help. It can help them improve communication, respect each other’s different coping styles, and ultimately get back on the same page. It’s important to note that it’s rare for couples to actually separate or divorce as a result of infertility. Although the difficulties surrounding efforts to get pregnant or carry a child can be extremely stressful for most couples, many ultimately come out the other side feeling closer than ever, equipped with better coping skills and a stronger bond.

Need to hit the reset button? Here are a few simple tips to get you back on track:

1. Acknowledge and Respect Different Perspectives. Remember, your partner’s experience is just as real as yours, even if their fears and concerns don’t match up perfectly with yours. You’re both handling the stress of infertility in your own ways, and that’s OK. There’s no right or wrong here—you’re just two people who are doing their best to build the family that you both dream of.

2. Ask Your Partner for What You Need. Your partner cannot read your mind. Be clear about how you’re feeling and what you need to cope, so your partner will understand and not take it personally. Make sure that your partner understands that he or she is not responsible for cheering you up—they’re there to listen, offer a hug, or give a back rub when needed. Think about what you need and don’t be afraid to ask for it.

3. Recapture Good Feelings. Take a moment to remember all the different reasons you fell in love with your partner in the first place. Infertility has not changed what you love about them. Focus on what’s still shining bright in your relationship. Remind each other of that spark you both have.

4. Replace Blame With Empathy. Blame is a dead-end road. Instead of blaming your partner, realize that this situation is tough for both of you. Neither one of you can be responsible for lousy luck or a genetic or medical problem that’s beyond anyone’s control. Your partner most likely did not do anything deliberately to cause infertility. Treat your partner exactly how you would want them to treat you if the tables were turned. After all, you are on the same team and in this together. You are making a shared sacrifice toward building a family.

5. Learn to Fight Fairly. Conflict happens, especially during a life crisis like an infertility crisis. All couples argue, but those who have enduring relationships learn to fight fairly and effectively. If you learn the skills to resolve arguments now, you and your relationship will be in better shape to handle future life challenges.

6. Expand Your Support Network. Realize that your partner cannot meet all your emotional needs. Seek the support you need with others going through similar treatment and coping with similar feelings. This will allow you to rely less heavily on your partner and put less burden on the relationship.

You can join support groups to share your feelings with people who understand (such as RESOLVE.org) or seek out individual or couples counseling to make your voice feel heard. Consider seeking out mental health professionals who specialize in reproductive medicine. That way, you can equip yourself with the resources you need to manage the hard feelings that come with infertility.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

References

Domar AD & Seibel MM. Emotional aspects of infertility. In Seibel MM (ed.). Infertility: A Comprehensive Text. Stamford: Appleton & Lange, 1997. pp. 29-44.

Galhardo A, Cunha M, Pinto-Gouveia J. Psychological aspects in couples with infertility. Sexologies. 2011;20(4):224-228. doi:10.1016/j.sexol.2011.08.005.

Leiblum SR & Greenfield D. The course of infertility: immediate and long-term reactions. In Leiblum SR (ed.). Infertility, Psychological Issues and Counseling Strategies. New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1997, pp. 83e102.

Pasch LA, Holley S, Bleil M, Shehab D, Katz P, Adler N. Addressing the needs of fertility treatment patients and their partners: are they informed of and do they receive mental health services? Fertil Steril. 2016;106:209−215.

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