Skip to main content

Verified by Psychology Today

Coaching

Lessons From Coaching: How to Have Better Conversations

Simple techniques, big impact for having better conversations.

Key points

  • To be a good listener, pay attention to what’s important to the person and repeat it back to them.
  • Asking the right (as opposed to too many) questions is vital.
  • Use ordinary words like "instead," "yet," and "already" to impact and shift conversations.

“A word is dead
When it is said,
Some say.
I say it just
Begins to live
That day.”

–Emily Dickinson

Source: Amore Seymour / Pixabay
Source: Amore Seymour / Pixabay

We don’t need to turn to the poets to appreciate the weight that even the smallest words can carry on their shoulders. They showcase their powers to us by themselves, daily. Syllable after syllable, words do much more than help us communicate information: from dysregulating our nervous systems to leaving us feeling loved.

Dr. Haesun Moon works with words. Drawing on years of experience and research in coaching and communication science, Moon studies how conversations work—some better than others. Among her revelations has been the extraordinary impact of ordinary words, along with three key insights about the humans who use them: (1) We want something; (2) We must have good reasons for wanting it; (3) We are already moving in that direction, even if subtly.

Here are some ideas from Moon on the remarkable symbiosis of our words and our connections.

What Matters to You—Not What’s the Matter With You

As somebody who studies sociolinguistics, Moon views connection through the lens of language—specifically, how we engage with the words we use:

“So much of our world is contained in our choice of words. For me, connection happens when somebody says something about what they care about, and I hold their words. Words reflect people’s logic (logos is Greek for “word”) or how they make sense of their world. As we sit in this dia-logic space, I connect with them not by interjecting my logic, but rather, by preserving their logic about how they live their life. This necessitates truly listening to what matters to the person, which is different from diagnosing their problems.”

Moon brings the example of people who “complain” a lot. Instead of getting frustrated and labeling them as complainers, consider their complaints as their violated values that they yearn to restore.

“People repeat themselves until they feel heard,” Moon says.

Her advice: Listen carefully and reframe their concerns into what’s important to them. You might be surprised at how quickly “complaints” dissolve when people feel truly understood!

Co-creating Meaning in Conversations

Meaning doesn’t exist in isolation—it is co-created through dialogue. According to Moon, this happens in several ways:

  1. Asking questions as they have embedded assumptions
  2. Formulating responses based on what was said
  3. Using intentional listening cues (audible and visible), like prosody, gestures, and nodding
  4. Calibrating understanding by checking in and adjusting

Shared meaning shapes the narratives people hold about the world, accumulating over time to form our collective habits or culture.

“When people ask me to work with their organization because they need a change in culture, I tell them: I don’t change cultures; I change conversations. Culture change is a byproduct of changing conversations,” Moon explains.

Listening as Curating

The act of listening, according to Moon, is an act of curating, which has the Latin root cura, meaning to "care" or "cure."

“Listening, at its core, is curation—helping our conversation partners tend to and grow their preferred stories,” she says.

One of the biggest culture shocks for Moon when she moved to Canada from Korea as a young teenager was how everyone kept encouraging her to speak up.

“In the West, there is a strong emphasis on the ability to speak up,” she says. “Even leadership courses teach leaders how to use their voices to command presence—all in service of having others listen to them.”

Moon, who grew up to value silence as a virtue, suggests a different approach: “Why not teach leaders to listen in a way that encourages others to speak?”

Whatever our circumstances, listening often does the heavy lifting in meaning-making. Good listening requires intentional and attentional choices. One tip from Moon’s coaching practice: “When listening, ask yourself, What did I just hear them say that they want or that they care about? Reflect it back to them using their exact words. Then pause and let them continue."

This simple technique not only broadens understanding but also deepens connection. You can even apply it to yourself. When your mind is overwhelmed, pause and consider what these thoughts tell you about your values.

Don’t Overload With Questions

The value of asking the right questions that work for the client at the time cannot be overstated. However, that doesn’t mean that more is better. Moon’s research shows that as coaching practitioners gain expertise, they rely less on questions and more on formulations. In some cases, novices asked questions more than 70 percent of the time, while more seasoned practitioners used questions in less than 20 percent of their communication. This shift, according to Moon, ensures better understanding and calibration during interactions.

The Extraordinary Works of Ordinary Words

Based on countless hours of listening to dialogues, Moon has identified several common words that can have significant impact:

  • Instead: This word shifts the focus from what’s not wanted (“I don’t want this”) to what is preferred (“I want this, instead”). This subtle yet powerful change encourages a new perspective and can be very useful in redirecting conversations toward positive outcomes.
  • Yet: When Moon’s clients say, “I don’t know,” in frustration about feeling stuck or not having answers to her questions, she replies, “You don’t know yet, because this is probably the first time you are hearing this question. Take your time.” Despite being a small, three-letter word, yet is powerful because it implies progress.
  • Already: People often use phrases like “You’re almost there!” to encourage others. But this can feel more exhausting than motivating. Instead, acknowledging where someone already is helps them see their current progress. Saying to a client who rated themselves at a 7 on a 10-point scale “You’re almost at 10” focuses on the deficit gap between 7 and 10. Saying “You’re already at 7. What got you up to this number?” highlights their strengths, resources, and existing progress.

These three words—instead, yet, and already—can also be effective in the conversations we have with ourselves (Instead of chasing after others’ approval, I’m choosing to take better care of myself. I am not at my best, yet. I’m already enjoying the rewards of my daily nature walks.) At the very least, they invite kindness and compassion. That’s no small feat, whether we are seeking to nurture our connections with others or with ourselves.

Many thanks to Haesun Moon for her time and insights. Moon is a communication scientist, educator, and author of the book Coaching A to Z: The Extraordinary Use of Ordinary Words (2022).

advertisement
More from Marianna Pogosyan Ph.D.
More from Psychology Today