How Arguments Can Spiral Out of Control

Picture this: You and your partner are in the middle of an argument. Maybe it started over something small—a forgotten text, an offhand comment. But within minutes, voices are raised, feelings are hurt, and you both feel trapped in a battle neither of you understands. It feels like neither of you is really there, present enough to fix it. One partner shuts down, becoming silent and distant. The other lashes out, desperately trying to be heard but only escalating the fight. By the end, both of you feel worse—alienated, misunderstood, and ashamed.

What you just experienced may be a case of what I call the "Dissociated Shame Wars"—a clash where both shame and dissociation take over, blocking emotional repair and leaving deep wounds in their wake.

Shame Is a Battlefield

Shame is one of the most painful emotions we can experience. Unlike guilt, which is about actions (“I did something wrong”), shame is about identity (“I am something wrong”). When triggered, shame can activate our brain’s threat system, making us feel as though our very sense of self is under attack.

In an argument, shame often emerges when we feel judged, criticized, or rejected. It activates the amygdala, the brain’s threat detector, and can make us go into defensive survival modes—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. If one or both partners in an argument experience shame, they may unconsciously switch into self-protective behaviors that derail the conversation.

Donald Nathanson’s "Compass of Shame" outlines the four most common reactions:

Attacking Yourself: Blaming oneself or over-apologizing in an attempt to appease.

Attacking Others: Lashing out, criticizing, or projecting the shame outward to regain control.

Withdrawal: Shutting down or stonewalling to avoid further shame.

Avoidance: Deflecting with humor, distraction, or denial to escape the emotional pain.

While these defenses protect us in the short term, they often lead to escalating conflict and long-term emotional distance.

When Shame Triggers Dissociation

For many people, especially those with a history of trauma or emotional neglect, shame doesn’t just activate defensive behaviors—it triggers dissociation. Dissociation is the mind’s way of disconnecting from overwhelming experiences. Mild forms may involve zoning out or feeling numb, while more severe dissociation can involve fragmented thoughts or even memory loss of the argument.

Neuroscientifically, dissociation occurs when the brain’s prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thought) shuts down under emotional stress, and the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) takes control. The result? Emotional flooding, difficulty staying present, and an inability to access the deeper feelings driving the argument.

Philip Bromberg’s work on dissociation describes how individuals can shift between different self-states—such as a vulnerable self that feels shame and a defensive self that protects against it. During arguments, this switching can leave both partners feeling like they’re no longer talking to the same person.

Adding to the complexity, both partners may be responding to triggers rooted in past experiences and traumas, reliving unresolved wounds rather than reacting to the present moment. When this happens, the argument is no longer about what’s happening now but becomes a **reenactment of past emotional pain**. One partner may be projecting a feeling of abandonment from childhood, while the other may be reliving a sense of failure or inadequacy from a previous relationship. This projection creates a dynamic where neither person is truly present, and both are locked in a cycle of defending themselves against the ghosts of their past.

How Dissociation Sabotages Conflict Resolution

Dissociation doesn’t just affect the person experiencing it—it profoundly impacts the partner, too. Here are some common ways dissociation shows up in arguments:

1. Emotional Withdrawal and Numbing

When one partner dissociates, they may shut down emotionally or physically withdraw. This can look like avoiding eye contact, giving short or robotic answers, or leaving the room altogether.

Impact: The other partner often interprets this withdrawal as rejection or abandonment, triggering their own shame response.

Cycle: Partner A withdraws → Partner B feels hurt and lashes out → Partner A dissociates further.

2. Fragmented Communication

Dissociation can cause confusion, difficulty recalling what was said, or fragmented thoughts. One partner may say, “I don’t even remember what we’re arguing about,” or feel lost mid-conversation.

Impact: Misunderstandings accumulate, and the lack of coherence prevents meaningful dialogue.

Cycle: Each partner feels that the other “just doesn’t get it,” leading to frustration and escalation.

3. Switching into Defensive or Aggressive Modes

In some cases, dissociation may trigger a switch into a highly defensive or even aggressive state. The partner may suddenly become critical or dismissive as a way to protect themselves from overwhelming shame.

Impact: The partner on the receiving end feels attacked and responds defensively.

Cycle: Shame triggers dissociation → Dissociation triggers aggression → Aggression triggers more shame.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Escape the Dissociated Shame Wars

Although shame and dissociation can feel overwhelming, it’s possible to break the cycle by creating emotional safety and practicing vulnerability. Here are key strategies:

1. Recognize and Name the Shame

The first step is to identify when shame or dissociation is happening. Use reflective statements like:

• “I think I’m shutting down because I feel embarrassed.”
• “I notice I’m starting to feel disconnected.”

Naming the emotion can help reduce its intensity by engaging the prefrontal cortex and restoring emotional regulation.

2. Practice Grounding Techniques

Grounding techniques can help bring both partners back to the present moment:

• Take slow, deep breaths.
• Name five things you can see or hear.
• Place a hand on your chest or another calming gesture.

These techniques calm the amygdala and allow for clearer thinking.

3. Shift from Defensiveness to Curiosity

Instead of focusing on blame, practice curiosity about the underlying emotions:

• Ask, “What’s happening inside you right now?”
• Share your own vulnerability: “I think I’m lashing out because I feel hurt.”

Curiosity defuses defensiveness and opens the door to mutual understanding.

4. Reconnect Through Repair

After an argument, repair is crucial. This means acknowledging the harm done and offering genuine validation:

• “I’m sorry for shutting down. It wasn’t about you—I was overwhelmed.”
• “I see that I hurt you, and I want to understand how.”

Repair work activates oxytocin release, which fosters connection and trust.

Healing the Wounds of Dissociated Shame

If dissociation and shame are recurring issues, long-term healing may require exploring deeper emotional wounds through therapy. Relational psychoanalytic approaches, EMDR, or somatic therapies can help individuals integrate fragmented self-states and reduce their reliance on dissociation.

By understanding how shame and dissociation interact, couples can learn to identify their triggers, stay present, and navigate conflicts with greater compassion. With practice, the Dissociated Shame Wars can give way to moments of genuine connection and repair—turning conflict into an opportunity for growth.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.