Sex Toys Are More Than Fun for One

Pink and blue silicone toys

Source: Photo by cottonbro studio / pexels

Co-authored with Michael Pieruccini

Using sex toys with your partner (or partners) might benefit you in the bedroom and beyond. Sex toys are everywhere—in media, online, and in those not-so-subtle stores sprinkled through your neighbourhood. Chances are you already have one in your nightstand, especially if you are a woman. You might be surprised to learn that sex toys are in the hands of more than half of American women but only a third of men (Waskul & Anklan, 2020). But are you making the best use of your sex toys?

The first vibrator was patented in the 1880s and sold as a cure for many conditions from constipation to cancer (Waskul & Anklan, 2020). Early 20^th century vibrators were often marketed as multi-purpose household items sold alongside sewing machines and even promoted “for every member of the family.” Explicit mention of their sexual potential was rare until the 1960s, following feminist activism that touted vibrators as tools of liberation. Modern advertising is more up front about the sexual purpose of toys, but you might still keep ownership a secret because of stigma and embarrassment. But maybe sex toys shouldn’t stay a secret, at least in your romantic relationships because trying sex toys with a partner could be an easy way to improve your sex life.

How Can Sex Toys Benefit My Relationship?

Most people, especially women, probably think about using toys during masturbation. But many people enjoy them during partnered sex too, and research shows that using a vibrator during sex can increase sexual pleasure (Watson et al., 2016). People describe toy use as giving pleasant physical sensations, with the added benefit of freeing their hands for other stimulating activity. Sex toys can also create excitement and aid couples to break stale routines, helping them to have fun during sex. Men say that using toys with their partner extends foreplay, reduces boredom during sex, and leads to more sexual exploration. Although research on women’s experience of partnered toy use is lacking, there is no reason they wouldn’t have the same benefits, especially considering that many toys marketed for couples target stimulation of the vagina and clitoris.

Severing the Strain of Scripts

Using sex toys with your partner might help you to address common relationship struggles. Most people think there are “right” ways that sex should happen in mixed-gender (male-female) relationships and they have scripts for how sexual encounters should unfold, such as men should initiate sex, women should accept or reject advances, and sex should be spontaneous and effortless. Sexual scripts can be useful because they help people to understand how to behave and what to expect, especially in unfamiliar situations. However, scripts can also be frustrating, especially when they aren’t true (e.g., men must make all the first moves) or run counter to your desires (e.g., women are submissive).

A common sexual script is that men should be sexually skilled and give their female partners orgasms. However, not all women easily experience an orgasm from penetrative sex (Herbenick et al., 2018). When sexual experiences fall short of expectations, it can make people feel badly about themselves and their relationships. Although good sex is about more than just having an orgasm, using sex toys might be one way to increase pleasure and the likelihood of an orgasm, especially for women (Watson et al., 2016). After all, sex toys don’t get tired, don’t need foreplay, and can provide stimulation to parts of the body that are difficult to reach during intercourse.

Good Toys and Good Talks

Another challenge for people in relationships is talking about sex, which can be hard even if you have a strong, healthy bond. Sharing your likes, dislikes, and insecurities can be vulnerable or uncomfortable, or you could be worried about embarrassing or upsetting a partner. Many people dread these discussions (Rehman et al., 2017) and you might be tempted to avoid them. Sex toys might be a way to spark sexual conversations. Research suggests that women who use sex toys alone and with their partners talk more about sex (Gauvin et al., 2020). It could be that people who use sex toys are also more likely to talk about sex, but sex toys might be a catalyst for these discussions. For example, when researchers asked couples to use a sex toy together, couples said they ended up talking about sexual preferences and sensitive issues, and not just about the sex toy (De Santis et al., 2019). Introducing something innately sexual may create an opening to talk about all kinds of related issues. Sharing a new and exciting experience could make hard-to-broach subjects that much easier to talk about.

The Bigger Picture

Does this mean you should give up your solitary sex toy use and save them for sex with a partner? Not at all. Keep using them for all your sexual activities. There are many documented benefits of solo toy use. For example, research shows that having used a vibrator in the past month is associated with better female sexual functioning, such as higher arousal, lubrication, and less pain (Waskul & Anklan, 2020).

You might also be thinking, sure adding in sex toys might spicing things up in the moment, but will it have a long-lasting effect? Most people who start using a toy with a partner do feel a boost in sexual satisfaction in the weeks after. Mixed-gender couples were assigned by researchers to use a toy in partnered sex and more than 75% of men and women thought their sex lives had improved – they even felt more satisfied with their relationship overall (De Santis et al., 2019). Whether this effect lasts beyond a couple of months has not yet been studied, but once you start exploring new experiences in your sexual relationship, who says it needs to stop with sex toys? For example, you might consider sharing your sexual fantasies with a partner.

If using toys with your partner is so great, why isn’t everyone doing it? Surely there are some downsides, especially in the long run. You might be wondering what if the toy replaces me, or sex becomes more (literally) mechanical. Even if you aren’t afraid of an android sex toy takeover, you might have real worries that sex without toys could become a thing of the past, it might interfere with intimacy, or that you and your partner might start needing the toy to have satisfying sex. Although understandable concerns, research suggests that toys don’t distance people from their partners. Men who were asked to use vibrators with their partners felt more intimacy rather than less (Watson et al., 2016). Vibrators allowed men and their female partners to feel pleasure and to orgasm simultaneously. This created a shared experience of sex that led to intimacy and closeness. The couples’ focus didn’t shift to the toy, but rather the toy intensified men’s focus on their partner.

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Societal taboos might have led you to hide your sex toys in a box under the bed and use them alone behind closed doors. But, if you’re willing to take a risk with your partner(s), you might be surprised at how you can change things for the better. In our research on sexual novelty with over 100 cohabiting couples, participants who successfully piqued their partners’ interest in using toys during sex were direct, but not directive in their conversations. They clearly and openly asked if their partner would be interested in using toys. They asked how their partner would like to incorporate toys and did not try to impose something on their partner that they might not find enjoyable. Saying something as simple as, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about trying out sex toys together. Does that sound like something you’d be interested in?” might start the conversation. Whether you want to feel more satisfied in your sex life and relationship, or you just want to spice things up, consider asking your partner tonight.

Michael Pieruccini completed his bachelor’s degree in psychology at Simon Fraser University. His research focuses on sexual novelty and the needs of people in open relationships.