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Key points
- Time away from your ex may convince you that your former significant other is actually right for you.
- However, when you are thinking of getting back together with an ex, make sure it's for the right reasons.
- Don't let your desire for sex, companionship, certainty, or the past be what drives you back to your ex.
- Determine whether you've gotten past what led to your breakup and whether the second time will be different.
Have you been giving an ex of yours an ex-tra long look? Has time away from a former significant other convinced you that the person may actually be right for you?
Before you assume that your ex marks the spot for you and you reunite, ask yourself, why? Why do you want to get back together? And after that, ask yourself why again. Once you've done that, ask yourself why a third time.
That's because it can be easy to get misty memories when you are lonely and frustrated with your current dating situation. While time away can make you better appreciate someone, the lack of better relationship prospects can put fear goggles on your eyes so that you seek comfort in something familiar. The passage of time may have made awareness of what led to your breakup fade away like a bad haircut. That's why, before proceeding, it's important to do a reality check by asking yourself the following eight questions.
1. Are sex and other physical things clouding your judgment?
OK, maybe the sex was great. Or maybe, at this point, any sex would be great. But your genitals can be notoriously bad decision-makers. Sex and other physical things like "But his abs were so ripped" or "Her legs were so gosh darn sexy" should not be the driving factors, because the rest of your body then has to deal with the consequences.
2. Are you just longing for companionship?
Speaking of physical, are you primarily looking for a physical presence to accompany you to work functions, parties, shows, or whatever, so that you can finally check that +1 box? Remember, the body of a companion doesn't come alone but brings personality and baggage with it as well. Loneliness should never be the driving factor to get back together with an ex.
3. How much is nostalgia rather than present-day reality affecting your judgment?
Have you ever returned to a college eaterie, excited to feast again on food that seemed so delicious before, only to find that the pizza now tastes more like cardboard? Well, the same thing could happen with your ex., You may not be able to recapture past glories regardless of whom you date or how much Botox you use. So, are you longing for your ex or just for the past?
4. Will you be overlooking major betrayals that occurred?
Yeah, that past relationship was so great except for, oh, the cheating and what else, oh, the abandonment when you were suffering through a major crisis. If the person betrayed you in the past, what makes you so sure it won't happen again? Recall that Maya Angelou quote: "When they show you who they are, believe them the first time."
5. Will you be overlooking fundamental incompatibilities in core values and principles?
It may be OK if you like potato and the other person likes potahto. But it's much harder to get past core differences. And in this case, core doesn't mean abs, back muscles, and glutes. Rather, it's what you value, how you approach life, and who you truly are, For example, if the other person could never truly understand you and your motivations no matter how much you tried to explain, are you prepared to deal with the difference again indefinitely?
6. Have you given yourself enough time to reflect on and understand exactly why the relationship ended?
If you still don't know why the two of you broke up, then no, you should absolutely not get back together now. Barreling ahead would be akin to not understanding why you shouldn't put your forehead on the hot stove before lowering your head.
7. Do you know what needs to be different this time and how reasonable it is to expect such change?
If you would like a different outcome, something must change from when you were together the first time. That may be more likely if life circumstances at the time are what drove you apart, such as geographic distance or a work situation. It also may be more likely if the two of you weren't fully formed before and have grown substantially since then. But if both of you are kind of the same people and expect to do kind of the same thing, then everything may end kind of the same way: unkindly.
8. How much is fear of uncertainty and the unknown driving your thoughts and decisions?
We as humans all crave some degree of certainty. Bringing back an ex who's a known quantity will not be the antidote to the inherent uncertainty in life. You'll still have no idea how dramatically your life may change over the next week, day, or even hour. However, settling for someone less than a good fit for you will make one thing certain: You won't find the better match.
If you've gone through the above questions and still feel fairly certain that your ex may be the right fit for you, then sure, you could approach your ex and see whether he or she feels the same way. Again, the sequel doesn't necessarily have to end like the original. Take ex-tra care, though, that you've both learned and grown from the first time around. Otherwise, your ex may eventually become an ex yet again.
