How to Deal With Carouseling While Dating

You may find carousels in an amusement park. But "carouseling" can be far from amusing.

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Round and round we go, where we stop nobody knows. That's what it can feel like when you are messaging back and forth with someone on a dating app without knowing whether it's going to result in a live meeting. It can feel like being on a not-so-merry-go-round,or a carousel.

That feeling has given rise to the term "carouseling" for messaging that lasts for days, weeks, or even months without ever getting to a face-to-face. It can feel like a complete waste of time, because it is, if you are using the dating app to, you know, find dates. It can also be one of the most common and frustrating aspects of using dating apps.

There are various reasons why you may be caught in a carousel The other person may be:

• Keeping you as a backup. The other person may be having in-person dates with others or even already have a significant other. You just haven't yet met that person's threshold for a face-to-face meeting, whatever that threshold may be. In fact, you may never make it, unless in the meantime you somehow change shapes or colors, win the lottery, or become an Avenger. Don't assume that all you need to do is come up with that one perfect joke, line, or emoji to get through the door.
• Using you as an ego stroke or boost. They may like the attention or enjoy keeping you on a string. The situation is analogous to that married person who goes to a party or nightclub to flirt and collect phone numbers just to see whether he or she still has "it."
• Entertaining himself or herself. Sure, you may consider all that back-and-forth messaging on dating apps as a means to an end. But others may view it as an end in itself. It may never end because they actually enjoy whatever banter is occurring without caring whether it goes anywhere. That may seem to you like waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) just for the fun of it. But one person's poison can be another person's Perrier.
• Being a bot or some type of artificial intelligence (AI). Surprise, surprise. Not everyone you chat with over the Internet, social media, or an app may be a real, live human. For example, some people may set up automated systems to screen potential candidates and keep you on the hook using the app or just for the heck of it.
• Testing the waters but not being fully available. The other person may not be ready to move forward with any potential relationship right now due to some kind of situation. Maybe the person is still recovering from the end of a relationship or hasn't quite left it yet. Perhaps he or she is way too busy at work or the opposite, unemployed and looking for work. There's also the possibility that the person is occupied by someone or something like drugs or alcohol. So, the messaging could be a dip-the-toe-in-the-water situation in which he or she is seeing what's out there.
• Being shy, insecure, fearful of rejection, overly cautious, or indecisive. OK, there is the possibility that the other person deep down does want to move forward but is reluctant to make the first move or even the second, third, or fourth move. For example, maybe the other person is too intimidated by you because you are just too darn hot. Another possibility, besides you being simply so gorgeous, is that he or she has difficulty making decisions, like the person in front of you in the coffee shop line who keeps asking the barista different questions such as how foamy the different drinks are and whether the pumpkin spice really takes like pumpkin when you want to say, "Just freaking order something." Alternatively, you could have said something to give the other person pause, such as mentioning all the squirrels that you hang out with or your spouse.

There are steps that you can take to get off the carousel.

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Of course, you could be contributing to the carouseling if any of the above apply to you. So, first check to see whether you are the problem, such as making sure that you indeed are not a bot. Assuming that you aren't the one keeping things spinning around and around, how do you avoid getting caught on the carousel?

Here are several steps you can take:

• Set a limit for the number of exchanges before things must progress to the next step. The next step can be talking on the phone, videoing with each other, or meeting in person. It's reasonable to give each other enough time and exchanges to see whether there's a real possibility of a match and to provide some assurances that the other person won't be arriving at the first date with an axe.
• Be direct about what you want. Don't beat around the bush. A trailer for a movie doesn't say, "Just showing you some stuff for no particular reason" or "Tune in for the next trailer." Instead, it makes it clear that if you want to see the rest of the movie, you've got to pay the price of admission. Make it politely clear that you aren't on the dating app just to provide free conversation. When you are ready to progress to the next stage, let the other person know.
• If the other person doesn't want to move forward, ask him or her why. See whether you get a straight answer. This can be a test of compatibility and communication in itself.
• Don't worry about appearing too eager or desperate. As long as a reasonable amount of time has passed and messaging has occurred, it is reasonable to want to either move forward or move on to someone else.

Finally, recognize when you are on a carousel. You may find carousels in amusement parks, but carouseling can be far from amusing. And don't expect something revolutionary to happen.

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