Why We Do Things We Regret

Ideally, we’d never regret anything we do because we’d always make good decisions. If our goal is to always make good choices, why do we end up making bad ones?

The fact that we regret doing something means:

1. There’s a rational, thinking part of us that has expectations for how we should act
2. There’s another, less-rational part of us that is getting loose and acting in ways we don’t want.

So, we date someone who we know is bad for us. Or we don’t set limits for our child though we know it’s needed. Or we avoid telling our partner what we really want from them.

What’s keeping us from acting how we’d like to act?

It boils down to this:

Our rational mind tells us how to act, but our feelings get in the way. Rather than doing what we know we should do, our feelings run the show.

The connection between feelings and narratives

How might my feelings be “running the show” if, for example, I stay in an unhealthy relationship? Perhaps I’m afraid to be alone, or I feel I don’t deserve better treatment, or I want to help my partner change, etc.

If my feelings are running the show, the real question I need to ask is how did those feelings get inside of me?

This is where narratives come in. (For a quick review of what narratives are, check out my key post, “How We Form Lifelong, Unhealthy Narratives.”)

Whenever our intense feelings overrule our rational thinking, a narrative is at play. Narratives—which are often based on our childhood experiences—carry intense feelings from the past into our present.

For instance, if I stay in a bad relationship because I’m terrified to be alone—so terrified that I don’t listen to my rational thinking—this fear likely has its origins in my childhood experiences that created a powerful narrative. This narrative might tell me things like, “It’s better to get bad attention than no attention at all,” or “If I’m left alone, my world will completely collapse.”

Whatever its message, narratives—and the feelings they carry—dictate how we act.

Unless we deal with our childhood scars, we’ll rely on old narratives whenever our childhood emotions (i.e. my fear of being alone) get triggered. Then we’ll find ourselves regretting our decisions and actions.

Should you feel guilty for things you regret?

Yes and no. Guilt can be a motivating force. It can also be a destructive one when it’s severe.

In other words, hold yourself accountable for the decisions/actions you regret, but don’t beat yourself up. That doesn’t help anyone.

Instead, be curious about yourself and explore what narratives are interfering with how and who you want to be in the world.

What you can do about all this

If you are making decisions and acting in ways you regret, it’s a sign that you have early narratives that are interfering with your life. It’s possible to control these narratives once you recognize them. How to do this is taken up in my post, “5 Steps for Changing Your Own Unhealthy Narratives.”