Self-Help
'Mokita': The Quiet Lies We Live With
Should we talk about the things we don't want to talk about?
Posted July 5, 2025 Reviewed by Margaret Foley
The Trobriand people of Papua New Guinea use the word mokita to describe a truth everyone knows but no one speaks aloud. This quiet, cultural acknowledgment of “shared-but-suppressed” truths reflects something deeply human: our tendency to avoid discomfort, preserve harmony, and protect ourselves and others from the consequences of truth-telling.
In Western psychology, this concept aligns with the phrase polite fictions (Burns, 1953)—unspoken agreements to maintain a socially acceptable version of reality, even if it contradicts what everyone knows to be true. These silent understandings are rarely malicious. Rather, they serve as social lubricants (Saxe, 1991), helping us maintain relationships, avoid conflict, and preserve identity.
The Mokitas Between Us
We encounter mokitas daily:
- A friend’s increasingly concerning drinking habits...that we choose not to confront
- A parent who may no longer be safe behind the wheel...which we opt to avoid talking about
- A colleague whose skills no longer align with their role...that we definitely don't address with them
- A partner’s suspicious new hobby (and their attractive doubles partner)...that we turn a blind eye to
These scenarios aren’t unique. Research in social psychology suggests we often suppress difficult conversations in favor of maintaining relational harmony (Knobloch & Solomon, 2002). Avoidance may preserve peace in the short term, but over time, it can erode trust, authenticity, and psychological well-being.
The Mokitas Within Us
While unspoken truths between people are common, there’s a more insidious type of mokita: the kind we keep from ourselves.
Psychologists have long studied the mechanisms we use to avoid self-truths. Self-deception—our ability to selectively believe things that are emotionally comfortable rather than factually accurate—serves as a kind of psychological armor. According to Trivers (2000), self-deception may have even evolved as a survival mechanism, allowing us to function despite existential anxieties or emotional pain.
This internal mokita might sound like:
- “This job isn’t that bad” (even though it drains you).
- “I’ll deal with my health later” (despite mounting symptoms).
- “Everyone else shops too much, too” (as your credit card bill balloons).
Cognitive dissonance theory (Festinger, 1957) explains how we unconsciously resolve the tension between our values and our actions. Instead of changing behavior, we shift beliefs to match behavior—often by rationalizing, minimizing, or ignoring reality.
Why We Avoid the Truth
Self-deception is emotionally protective. It helps us avoid the sting of vulnerability, the fear of failure, or the existential dread that might arise from acknowledging, for example, that our best days might be behind us—or that our coping strategies aren’t working anymore.
Psychologists Kunda (1990) and Baumeister have both shown how motivated reasoning and denial help us maintain self-esteem and regulate emotional distress. But this comes at a cost: reduced well-being, that niggling sense of living a disingenuous existence, and the discomfort that comes from this lack of authenticity.
How to Recognize a Mokita
If you’re unsure whether you're harboring a mokita (internally or externally), pay attention to:
- That subtle inner flinch or twinge of discomfort
- The urge to change the subject or soften the truth
- The “but it’s not that bad” narrative loop
These moments are often your psychological alarm bells, signaling an opportunity for deeper self-honesty.
How to Gently Confront the Truth
Facing a personal or interpersonal mokita doesn’t have to be dramatic or catastrophic. Here are a few steps backed by research in psychological flexibility and acceptance:
- Notice discomfort without judgment (Hayes et al., 2006): "Wow, I am doing a great job of avoiding this awkward topic, aren't I?"
- Get curious: Ask, “What might I be avoiding?”
- Name the fear behind the fiction: rejection, uncertainty, inadequacy, etc.
- Seek support if needed: a therapist, coach, or trusted friend can help you examine the truth without shame.
The goal isn't ruthless honesty at all costs. It’s about creating room for what’s real—and then choosing how to respond from a place of clarity, not avoidance.
The Truth Is Uncomfortable, but Liberating
When we confront our mokitas, we give ourselves a chance to grow. We stop outsourcing our peace of mind to illusions, and we make space for healthier choices, deeper connections, and more aligned lives.
So whether it’s finally scheduling that doctor’s appointment, having the hard conversation with your team, or admitting you’re ready for (albeit afraid of) change—the truth, while uncomfortable, is freeing.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Burns, T. (1953). Friends, enemies, and the polite fiction. American Sociological Review, 18(5), 563–572.
Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: An experiential approach to behavior change. Guilford Press.
Knobloch, L. K., & Solomon, D. H. (2002). Information seeking beyond initial interaction: Negotiating relational uncertainty within close relationships. Human Communication Research, 28(2), 243-257.
Kunda, Z. (1990). The case for motivated reasoning. Psychological Bulletin, 108(3), 480–498.
Saxe, L. (1991). Lying: Thoughts of an applied social psychologist. American Psychologist, 46(4), 409.
Trivers, R. (2000). The elements of a scientific theory of self-deception. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 907(1), 114–131.
