What to know about what you don’t know you know. #1: Intuition is very efficient—if you don't overthink it.
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In addition to the listed factors in this good article is the lack of cross-racial polyamorous configurations. It is an impression, thus unscientifically confirmed, that blacks and other people of color have more interracial hook ups in the swinger or FWB situations than in poly's more open-ended committed relationship configuration. As a long-time political activist, and as one who has grown up in majority-white communities, I've had no trouble finding dates, partners, affairs with whites, blacks, Latina and Asian women and all within a open-relationship agreement (we didn't have a name for it back in the late 80s/early 90s). It is stunning, and honestly disturbing how the mainstreaming of poly seems to have dried up the well of opportunity for me and other poly men of color, as though any potential lovers must be an active and committed anti-racist or a 'thrill seeking' POC-curious woman to have anything to do with us.
I've also noticed (and this is not necessarily a bad thing considering how sexist human society remains) how many opportunities exist for poloyamorous women as compared to men in the dating sphere. This may be primarily due to the historical 'man pursues the woman' gender-based role playing, but it also may be heightened or augmented by the fact that men are conditioned to always be in pursuit mode for multiple sexual conquests, and will utilize an even more aggressive approach in lieu of relationship-construction skills that involve emotions, listening and dialog *in addition* to their sexual component. So when a woman is openly available, it is like bees to honey; and women have their pick-and-choice of several suitors. How the men measure up as decent human beings capable of deep, communicative relating of course is often wanting. My female partners' OK Cupid experiences and real-life interactions in poly-centered and -themed events repeatedly demonstrate that fact. And other women's experiences have confirmed it too in group meetings.
I apologize for the length of this comment but the matters raised her in your essay have been a serious concern for me in the recent period of my life, and with my friends as well. So thank you for publishing this article Elisabeth; it is very important that it be addressed and honestly debated as polyamory is 'mainstreamed' so that it can be a relationship lifestyle that is truly welcoming and integrative to all.
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