I finally left a 30+ year abusive marriage 3 weeks ago. I experienced coercive control from Day 1. I lived in Quebec, moved the the US to get married and there it began. My huge work to do grief work is with my adult children. I homeschooled all 4 of them all the way to college. Personally, I never assimilated into this culture since I was so busy educating our kids to be successful. Mission accomplished and now all are 25, 26, 27, & 28. They all live on their own, graduated and paid their way through college and have good jobs today. I want to university with my last 2 to get my nursing degree and all 3 of us graduated last year in May. There are two huge things plaguing my relationship with them. They do not consider our family life as seeing me being coercively controlled at all. They see me as difficult and refusing to keep the peace. They love to blame my family of origin. My move to leave 3 weeks ago is not accepted very well. I live with one of my professors and her family, sleep on the floor and have only my clothes and nursing books with me. I am determined to begin again at 54 years old. My next issue is that I cannot accept one serious yet important issue that has been verbalized all their growing up years. I am a survivor of abuse (all types) and for some reason, my husband felt that I should be over the rape because I was only raped once. He feels that I am making a difficult life by keeping the kids from my father. He thinks it is healthy for me and them to be around my father. You and I both know this not to be true but now as adult, my children are continuing to nurture and maintain a relationship with my father. I personally cannot process this. I had several discussions with the girls about how much I cannot deal with this choice should they follow it and their response is that they are adults and my father cannot hurt them. Well, since I am the scapegoat in my family of origin, I am not supposed to expose and then I am the liar, maker of stories, etc. So my 4 children have now taken my husband and father's mindset with me being the too sensitive overexaggerator. So I've kept my distance. I did not at first but I learned that any conversation that I had was reported to my husband and father and twisted to make me took terrible which alienated the kids even further. So now I am more distant and just concentrating on getting free from this marriage. I have nothing, my husband has spent it all or hid it all and it is me, my nursing degree and the world right now. I am in counseling and very thankful but my heart hurts for my children. I invested well over half my life into them and they are taken away mentally by the two men who have been so abusive to me. If you have any books for me to read to learn to process this, I would appreciate it. I have lived with this chronic brain tumor for over 30 years and since my husband wanted to keep the money for his fun activities, we did not have insurance for 25 years so I did not get much care for my condition. He interprets this as me over exaggerating but when I do go to the doctor, they are appalled at this behavior of his. I don't know how long this life with be for me with this dangerous condition but I would love to find some sense of resolution with this intense grief. I hope this makes sense to you!

Thank you,
Johanne