Grief
Stop Telling Yourself to Get Over It
Treat yourself with patience and kindness.
Updated January 31, 2025 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Think of a time when you thought you were holding things together and then experienced an unexpected shift in your mood.
This happened to me about ten years ago. I can vividly recall crying while a very kind cashier was helping me buy my new car battery. I was certainly not expecting my battery to die while I was 150 miles from home, but otherwise, the experience went about as well as you would hope. People helped me at every step of the saga. And luckily, I was coming home from an event, with plenty of time to spare.
So, if everyone I encountered that day was very kind and helpful, I could afford to get the new battery, and everyone was safe, why was I crying as I paid the cashier?
This moment was a clear signal that I needed to slow down and reflect on how that unexpected experience was connecting to my deeper feelings, thoughts, and beliefs about life.
Pushing Things Down
Have you had a sudden surge of frustration or tears that seemed to come out of nowhere? Have you found yourself shutting out the people around you or lashing out at them when they didn’t do anything egregious?
After you’ve experienced an impactful event, your mind has a way of allowing you to compartmentalize. You are sometimes able to say, “I’ve dealt with this enough,” or “I don’t have time for this,” and then temporarily refocus. This can help you remain functional when you feel like things are falling apart. Nevertheless, the hard truth is that the things you’ve pushed to the back of your mind do not want to stay there.
If you are not giving yourself the time and space you need to fully process your experiences you may find yourself struggling to regulate your emotions and challenge negative thoughts, and end up crying at the register.
Loss
Think about the types of loss you have experienced in your life.
Remember that losses come in all forms.
You might experience a loss related to a job, to a friendship, of your sense of safety, or to a physical ability you used to have. Think of a time you have set a goal and then felt like you have failed when you didn’t achieve it. Or when you didn’t achieve it fast enough. Or you didn’t do it perfectly.
I often hear clients saying that they “should” be able to just “get over it” after experiencing a life-changing event or a loss of any kind. There might be merit to pushing yourself through discomfort and getting up to do things when you feel stuck. But you need to be mindful when you are pushing yourself too fast. Give yourself the space and time to reflect deeply on how that loss impacted you.
It might be helpful to ask yourself what that loss means to you in a multitude of layers.
- Does that loss mean that you have lost part of your own identity?
- Does it mean you’ve lost the ability to support yourself and others?
- Does it connect to negative feelings about your abilities and your worth?
- Does it activate a significant fear or anxiety that you have?
Think About It as Grief
You experience loss all the time. It’s part of being human. Consider how kind you are when you learn that someone in your life is grieving. You would not tell them to “get over it.” Now, imagine what it might feel like to give yourself similar kindness when you have experienced a loss of any kind. Just like grief, your experience of that loss and what you need to care of yourself each time is unique, too. What might you recognize if you treat yourself with the same kindness you would treat a grieving loved one?
You might be able to gain good insight into how to give yourself space, time, and comfort. You might also realize that your routine coping strategies are not working.
- What are you telling yourself about the loss?
- Does the loss somehow connect to your value or your sense of self?
- How does the loss connect to the beliefs you have about yourself, the world, or others?
Be kind to yourself and let yourself rest. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, and to feel it fully. Notice when you are telling yourself that you “shouldn’t” feel that way anymore.
Be nonjudgmental of yourself in the way that you would be nonjudgmental of someone you cared about.
Give yourself the space and time you need.
If it feels hard to do this type of reflection alone, consider talking to a loved one or a therapist.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
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