Why Some Rape Victims Continue to Date Their Rapist

During the throes of the #MeToo movement and in the aftermath of the allegations against Harvey Weinstein, the public was inundated with headlines alleging instances of sexual assault and sexual harassment. Many were met with counter-allegations of victims continuing to have relationships with Mr. Weinstein after the assault.[i]

Hard to believe? As a career sex crimes prosecutor I can say no, once you understand the complicated relational dynamics often involved in cases of sexual assault.

Source: Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Continuing a Relationship After an Assault Is Common

In a previous column, I explained why some rape victims are kind to their attacker after the crime. In another, I discussed some reasons why women fail to report spousal rape. But one experience many rape victims have in common is the path to becoming survivors, which involves a process of disclosing and discussing the trauma. The way some victims survive the immediate aftermath, however, is different and may involve not disclosure, but denial.

Writing in connection with the Harvey Weinstein serial sexual assault saga, author Aspen Matis bravely shared in a piece she wrote for the New York Daily News how after she was raped by a male student in her dorm room on her second night away at college, she asked him to stay overnight.[ii] Why? Because maybe then she could pretend it wasn’t rape.

While being counseled months later on a hotline call with RAINN, the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network, she was told that her behavior towards her rapist was not an uncommon reaction. After Matis became a spokesperson for RAINN, some women she spoke to in that capacity shared similar experiences. One woman tutored her rapist the following semester in chemistry, another wrote and performed love songs for her attacker, and another woman dated her rapist for seven months afterward. Matis describes these behaviors as living in denial, not evidence disproving the rape.

Research indicates that failure to acknowledge rape may have negative consequences both socially and emotionally.

Differences Between Acknowledged and Unacknowledged Assaults

Melissa J. Layman et al. investigated the differences in outcome between unacknowledged versus acknowledged rape victims.[iii] Recognizing that a substantial number of women do not conceptualize the experience of having been raped as the crime that it was, they examined how the refusal to identify as a rape victim impacts post-assault symptoms. They examined situational factors, symptomatology, defense mechanisms, and sexual revictimization.

The researchers found that as compared with unacknowledged victims, acknowledged victims reported more “forceful” assaults, and reported a greater degree of resistance and clear refusal. They also found that acknowledged victims presented more symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder than unacknowledged victims.

One of the significant points Layman et al. made in terms of understanding post-sexual assault behavior is that being sexually assaulted does not necessarily dissuade a woman from maintaining a relationship with her assailant. They report that almost a third of the victims they studied maintained a relationship with the perpetrator; one-fourth actually continued to have sex with the assailant post-attack, although Layman et al. admit they do not know whether the sex was voluntary or forced.

Layman et al. note that their findings suggest strong disincentives to interpret and report being raped, as this might prompt a variety of negative outcomes including blame, disbelief, lack of support, and negative publicity. Yet they recognize that because a high percentage of victims they studied who remained in a relationship with the perpetrator were unacknowledged victims, the importance of recognizing their experience as rape might prevent a cycle of revictimization.

The bottom line is that we cannot accurately detect or discount allegations of sexual assault simply by examining post-assault relational behavior. Understanding the various ways in which victims actually behave can facilitate detection, and encourage nonjudgmental discussion as part of the healing process.