5 Ways to Break Negative Romantic Tendency and Find True Love

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Do you have a negative romantic tendency in your love life? Does it feel like you're dating the same person, having the same problems, and experiencing the same unhappy outcome?

Negative relationship tendencies often begin with the kind of person you're attracted to. For example, many single people in my weekly therapy groups lament that “healthy relationships” are boring.” So, they pursue the flashy, charismatic person without considering qualities such as kindness or emotional intelligence. One woman complained, “If there are two men at a bar, one is well adjusted and thoughtful, the other is cold and distant, I’m immediately attracted to the cold and distant one.”

Rather than passively bemoaning her fate, she would be better off being curious about why she is attracted to the wrong person, especially when all those relationships have been disastrous. Uprooting such ingrained tendencies isn’t easy, but it is necessary to break free and find lasting love.

If you're the only common denominator in a series of unhealthy romantic relationships, it's time to take responsibility and own up to your choices. (See "Three Personality Traits That Can Doom a Romantic Relationship")

Negative romantic tendency and childhood trauma

The key to finding true love and more satisfying relationships begins with identifying your negative tendencies and understanding why you continue to make the same mistakes. That's right, it's time to take a good look in the mirror.

Negative relationship tendencies commonly reflect unresolved childhood trauma that results from incompetent parenting, unmet childhood needs, or poor boundaries. For example, consider these three misguided childhood experiences:

1. Working for love: Rather than feel valued and loved, as a child, you learned that you had to earn love through acts of service. Love wasn't given to you freely. If you work hard, you receive love. As a result, love is a labor-intensive experience that can leave you exhausted and drained.
2. Fear of abandonment: People-pleasing tendencies often spring from fear of abandonment. Rather than considering your needs, you focused on meeting and satisfying the other person's needs. You never learned to value your wants and needs because they weren't a priority. Even if you succeeded in pleasing the other person, you are left with feelings of loneliness and neglect.
3. An unstable sense of self: Children often cling to others for security when they don't develop a strong sense of identity. They long for validation and recognition but are rarely satisfied. Sadly, when they find romantic love, they may suffer bouts of paranoia and mistrust; the relationship swings from blissful to joyless in a heartbeat.

Why negative relationship tendencies endure

No one enters into a new romantic relationship with the expectation of later feeling hurt and hopeless. Yet, in the early stage of a relationship, when you are high on dopamine, adrenaline, and the thrill of someone new, you may close your eyes to red flags and signs.

Those feel-good chemicals pack a mighty punch. That's why honeymoon periods in my relationships can feel so extraordinary. Like any addiction, you become impulsive, risk-taking, and ultimately self-destructive.

Breaking negative relationship habits

in my weekly therapy groups, we focus on intimacy, communication, and how to foster healthy relationships. A well-run therapy group is a gym for intimacy, a place to exercise, sharpen your senses and judgment, and forge new and healthier relationship tendencies.

Following these steps can help you break negative romantic patterns and break free:

1. A reflective pause between impulse and action: No matter how attracted you are to another person, find a way to hit the pause button. Impulsivity in new relationships is often misguided and based on instant gratification instead of honoring intuition and wisdom.
2. A passion for self-improvement: Working with a therapist, joining a therapy group, or finding a life coach is a growth choice that always pays off. The work can be difficult, but learning how to have a rewarding relationship is well worth it.
3. Clear goals and expectations for yourself in relationships: Once you've identified your patterns, do the opposite. For example, enter into a relationship with the expectation of being valued, respected, and not having to work so hard. Be clear about your wants and needs.
4. Other sources of self-esteem: If your self-esteem depends on validation and romantic attachment, you need more sources. New hobbies, creative outlets, a supportive community, and meaningful friendships will nurture and stabilize you, making you less dependent on romance for fulfillment.
5. The strength to walk away: If someone mistreats you and makes you feel ashamed or neglected, find the strength to walk away. People often ignore red flags early in a relationship. Don't be fooled. If your new romantic relationship fosters feelings of discomfort, shame, fear, or destructive impulsivity—don't pursue it. In such situations, honor these three simple words: "I deserve better."