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There are many who are quite comfortable asking for personal help, be it a favor, a chore, or assistance with a difficult issue. These individuals move into professional help-seeking mode, if necessary. They tend to their physical health and mental health by seeking out specialists when they need it.
There are others, though, who refrain from asking for help—preferring to do things on their own. They're independent. Private. Old school. I'll take care of it myself. I'll tough it out. Maybe they're shy, reserved or reluctant to rely on others for things. They aren't help-seekers. They may even be help-rejectors. Or there may be something more insidious going on. They may feel shame for needing help.
Help-Seeking Theory
Simply stated, there are 3 steps to addressing problems in life.
1) Defining the problem: This is where you detect a problem and define it. What is the problem exactly? How specific and detailed is it?
2) Analysis of the problem: The next step looks at the cause-and-effect of your problem. How is it affecting your life? How is it affecting school or work? Does your problem impact others directly or indirectly? Do you detect it? Or are others telling you they see it?
3) Solution for the problem: This is the last step, where you put into action specific changes needed to reduce the problem and to prevent further issues.
Those who've grown up with adaptive help-seeking behaviors can move through these steps relatively quickly. Help-seeking can positively impact a person across the lifespan, bringing social connection, confidence, and wellbeing. Adaptive help-seekers may find solutions on their own or reach out to ask for help from others. Bottom line, they get it done.
Those who struggle with help-seeking often move through these stages more slowly, and often prefer to work on them in a solitary way. Or they may not address them at all, hoping things will just improve on their own. Or that they'll go away entirely. Help avoiders may cope with emotional pain or mental health disorders with drugs or alcohol. Or they may not understand that they truly need help. Many children and adults who avoid psychotherapy have cultural, attitudinal, and belief-based barriers that prevent them from seeking help.
Help-Seeking Attitudes
Help-seeking theory postulates that people who struggle with asking for help often feel inadequate or insecure. They may worry that they're weak if they ask for help. Or they'll be viewed as powerless or inept. Or worse: damaged.
Among the negative influences that can make help-seeking feel so uncomfortable are public stigma and self-stigma. Public stigma refers to the way society holds negative beliefs about "asking for help." Particularly when it comes to mental health, the long-standing stigma attached to seeking psychotherapy leads many to feel as if they're sick, crazy, or lazy. Despite science showing that mental illness is grounded in neurobiology, some people still wrongly assume that people who seek psychotherapy are weak, deranged, and dangerous.
Self-stigma, the way one devalues oneself, may result from a person internalizing other people's negative beliefs. Self-stigma lowers self-esteem and results in a person self-labeling as being socially unacceptable if they seek psychotherapy.
How to Encourage Therapy-Seeking
If you have a loved one or friend who is struggling with mental health issues and is reluctant to seek therapy, there are a few things you can do.
1. Listen: Let your loved one or friend talk about what the struggle is, what symptoms are occurring or how they're coping with life. If they're resistant to sharing, be supportive by not forcing therapy as an ultimatum.
2. Respond: Let your loved one or friend know you're concerned about their well-being. Tell him or her that you understand the reluctance right now to see a professional mental health counselor, but that you'll likely offer the suggestion of psychotherapy again.
3. Set up check-ins: Touching base by phone, text or email can be a good way to check-in on your friend or loved one. You can casually monitor the situation, but make sure not to overwhelm them (or yourself) with the goal of psychotherapy.
4. Seek psychotherapy yourself: If you're deeply concerned, you might want to seek a consultation with a mental health professional yourself. The therapist can help you formulate a more strategic plan for helping your loved one get help. Or aid you in accepting the limitations your friend or loved one has placed on your interventions.
5. Have an emergency plan: While you may not be able to get your loved one or friend to a mental health specialist, know that you can still intervene if necessary. When an emergency arises, like self-harm, suicidal thinking, psychotic breaks, delusions or risk taking behaviors, you can always call 911 and have the police bring your loved one to the nearest hospital emergency room. From there, they will get the mental and medical attention they need.
