Parenting Education for Mothers and Fathers of Twins

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Twins are very often considered lucky to have each other to turn to for love, affirmation, support, encouragement, companionship, and advice. Unfortunately, the social and emotional issues that twins face growing up together are substantial and serious and need to be talked about and worked through between primary caretakers, psychologists, and educators.

The psychological hardships that twins and their families experience often cannot be seen easily by other parents, educators, and even onlookers. Unfortunately, talking about twin issues openly is rare in many twin families because having twins is supposed to be a very special and highly valued experience. Complaining about your twin children may even make you seem spoiled, entitled, or self-absorbed because you are, of course, so fortunate to have twins.

In reality, raising twins is very difficult, complicated, and emotionally and physically consuming. Written parenting advice on the social-emotional development of twins is not as detailed and understandable as it could be and should be. In addition, therapists and teachers are seriously under-educated about twin development and working with twins’ special needs related to identity, separation, and language usage. When I grew up in the 1950s, most of the information that my parents received about raising twins was communicated through the pediatrician, our grandparents, and the Mother of Twins Clubs (MOTC). In my opinion, MOTC was a glorified coffee klatch for harassed mothers of twins who shared and exchanged twin problems, clothes, and furniture.

While being a little helpful for parents of twins, these twin-mother social experiences did not provide enough developmental and psychological support. For example, my mother and other parents were told, “Don’t let your twin children fight,” which is an impossible goal if you know anything about twins. Twin fighting is inevitable and needs to be contained by using strategies that promote individuality.

Twins can have difficulty agreeing for many real objective and emotional reasons. Hence, not wanting to be a twin is a common sentiment among estranged twins. And I am including myself in the “I don’t want to be a twin category.” Unfortunately, because of poor parenting, many of the twins who I have worked with had serious problems identifying with being a twin.

Challenges in twin development related to identity do exist and are oftentimes painful and confusing for twins and their caretakers to deal with effectively. For example, separation from your twin, special interests that are not shared, and actual appearance, athletic, creative, and intellectual differences create competition and unhappiness for a twin pair and their caregivers. When I work with young twin children, they often get a little surprise for participating, a special little gift for each child. If I forget one of the gifts or misplace it, the children will fight over who deserves the one and only present rather than sharing.

Dealing with unique twin development requires special parenting knowledge and skills. Basically, parents need to understand why twins are different than single children.

Special Twin Challenges

The several significant ways that twins provide unique “challenge areas” of development include the following:

1. Twins have shared their day-to-day lives in the womb, their childhoods, their parents (all their family members, in fact), and probably most of their friends, at least while young.

2. Separating from one another is usually not easy and sometimes quite difficult and complicated.

3. Speaking to each other and to caretaker adults is very different. “Twin language” won’t work with non-twins outside of the twin circle.

4. Understanding and learning the way non-twins relate to other people can be significantly difficult.

Parenting twins to be close to one another and good friends who can resolve arguments is very difficult. You can do it with time, patience, and insight into your children’s similarities and differences. With enough extra help, you will be able to connect more honestly with each child.

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

What Twins Need to Know About Mixed Credit Reports

"The Accidental Twins" and "Peter and Erik"

Hands-On Advice

1. Spend time alone with each child on a regular basis.

2. Meet with people who understand the challenges of raising twins.

3. Find other twins for your twins to play with on a regular basis.

4. Believe in your parenting ability and your support staff’s ability to work with you and your children.

5. Teach the rewards of sharing.

6. Sharing is complicated: Learn how to share enough and not too much.

7. Do not let your children share everything.

8. Have clothes and toys that only belong to one child.

9. Limit friend sharing.

10. Develop special interests for each child.

11. When possible, have separate classrooms and teachers.