How Twins Make Decisions: A Developmental Understanding

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I have been told, and I have personally experienced, how twins, myself included, have a unique and confusing way of making decisions and solving problems. Idiosyncratic problem approaches are related to twins’ closeness with each other from birth onward. Growing up together and sharing so much time and experiences together makes solving problems very different from single children who often (usually) work solo.

As an example, Mom, who is busy “rushing around,” accidentally gives Twin A more apple slices than she gives to Twin B. Twin A and Twin B fight over this discrepancy. Instead of asking Mom for more for Twin B, they argue, and finally, they decide to share what they have.

Later in the week, Twin A gets a taller glass of chocolate milk than Twin B. Again, the fighting begins, and pushing and shoving and hair-pulling lead nowhere. This time, these twins are not interested in sharing. Grandma sees the encounter and gives Twin B a bigger glass of chocolate milk, which is exactly the same size as what Twin A received. Calmness takes over the twin eat and play area once again.

Fairness and unfairness, right and wrong, is a primary concern of twins. In childhood, whoever is in charge of the double trouble instigators (the twins) tries to make good decisions based on the family rules, which include:

1. Ask the twins to explain what caused the conflict.

2. Give both twins the same sizes of hand-outs of food, toys, and attention if at all possible.

3. Go over how the last fighting situation was handled with both parents and both children to reinforce talking about the best way to handle this jealousy and inadequacy issue.

Twins develop or learn to turn to one another to solve a problem or to make future plans. Who is right and who is wrong is definitely a part of the process when twins see things differently.

So, Two Constraints Are Related to Twin Decision-Making

Firstly, help from their twin in almost any final decision is very important. Of course, “who is right and who is wrong” is essential when twins make decisions. This unique type of decision-making is not possible in relationships with all people and creates problems for twins. Said differently, twins rely on each other to make decisions that single people do not need to get involved with.

An interesting example from my own life is as follows: I say, “OK?” too much of the time as a habit to get feedback from twins and non-twins. Looking for feedback creates an aura that I am insecure, which is certainly not my personality problem.

Twins make decisions that involve the opinion of their twin or another person because it is what they learned as children. As they grow older, twins will begin to abandon this strategy a little. Getting over relying on other people’s opinions can be very hard to accomplish, and relying on others can inhibit more thought-through, authentic problem-solving.

A related issue is copying one another because twins cannot trust their own decision-making (or learn not to trust it). Parents and other adults in authority need to see the importance of encouraging twins to validate their own interests and decisions. Stressing individual identity will help twins rely less on their twin.

While this idea of individualized twin-making decisions may seem abstract in certain ways, here are some practical ways of implementing it. Firstly, do not dress your twins alike if possible. Let them make their own choices and affirm that being different than their sister or brother is very important. Using sharing as a possibility in certain situations can be appropriate, and you should explain why. For example, if you like red and your sister likes blue, then make your decision.

Conclusions

For many serious reasons, it is dangerous to true individual identity development when twins rely on each other a great deal of the time. Take time to help them make their own choices. While depending on a twin is natural given the closeness of their continual contact, parents can try to teach their twins to make their own decisions.

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You should not forget or ignore that encouraging twins to decide for themselves is a difficult and time-consuming problem. There is a pay-off in the end as twins grow older and even more competitive with each other, and they will know more often what they want and can make their own decisions about it.

Try to remember that twin decision-making is unique. Non-twins do not take other people’s input to heart as twins do. Often, there is serious pain when one twin will not accept her sister or brother’s decisions. In my young adulthood, my sister wanted me to be an English major. I was not interested and studied history.

Strategies to Help Twins Make Their Own Decisions

1. Take time to see how your children are different from each other. This understanding will help them make their own choices.

2. Explain to twins as early as possible, in child-friendly terms, that they are separate and different people. Give concrete examples, like Twin A likes vanilla ice cream, and Twin B likes chocolate ice cream.

3. Encourage your twins to have different interests and different friends.

4. Respond with empathy when others treat your twins as halves of a whole or copies of one another.

5. As much as possible, try to avoid sharing, which can be hard to accomplish.

6. Copying each other is a side effect of not being able to make your own decisions. Avoiding this “copycat” behavior is tricky but will ultimately make your life and their lives easier as they grow and develop an individual sense of self.

7. Respect twin identity as being different from a twin’s individual identity as best you can. Keep an open mind and recognize the fun twins have by getting attention for being very alike.