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Understanding Twins
How to Find Help Being a Twin in a Non-Twin World
Teaching twins about their individuality is possible with tested strategies.
Posted September 23, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Twins have a different experience growing up than non-twins and singletons do.
- It's important to respect the strong twin bond while also encouraging twins to develop individual identities.
- Twins may seem a lot alike, but they have their own preferences and interests, which should be encouraged.
First Things First: Know What It Means to Be a Twin
No one can say for sure how twins learn that they are unique as a twin pair and as individuals because of the very, very close attachment they share with their twin (and with other twins) as they develop a sense of self. Also, twins can have communication difficulties because of the twinship, so really, no one can say for sure how twins learn that they are unique.
Different families take different approaches to individuality, from giving twins separate bedrooms to putting them in separate schools. Fortunately, teaching twins about their individuality is very possible, and parents often take instilling a sense of how each child in the pair is different from their twin seriously.
Additionally, I have actually thought about the possibility of teaching twins about the profound nature of twinship. Or, I wonder, do twins need to just live the experience of closeness and other aspects of their shared identity as they grow and mature? My strong belief is that it does help to teach them about who they are in comparison to single-born children (singletons or non-twins).
Twins who consult with me frequently say, “I did not realize how different I was from my friends who were not twins. I knew we were unusual because, as children, we did not fear getting lonely if we knew we could connect with our twin in the near future. We could more often than not rely on each other for companionship and support.”
I wish I had had help from parents, teachers, and other close people in understanding that my twin and I were developmentally distinct from single children. I did not realize how really unique I was from my friends and relatives who were not twins. I thought that non-twins were strange in many ways. I saw non-twins as cold and non-feeling.
But now I would say that non-twins were strange to me because they were comfortable making their own decisions. Non-twins did not need their siblings or parents to consult on every decision they had to make with their twin. For example, as young children, singletons did not have to know what their twin was having for lunch or what clothes they were wearing to school tomorrow. Twins definitely need this input. Some twins need their twin’s opinion on almost all things, from homework to friendships.
Today’s parents do the best they can to instill a separate sense of individuality in each child by not comparing them to one another and by trying to avoid competition between the pair. And these efforts are worthwhile and effective in teaching individuality, which, by the way, helps twins understand themselves as twins and individuals.
Other Strategies That Encourage Individuality
What helps, of course, as twins grow older is self-understanding through reading and education. I have also found that when twins talk to other twins, their special qualities of being a twin emerge. For example, more often than not, the kinship of being with a twin creates an affirmation of their unique identity. Working through the anger and fighting that twins experience with their parents, professionals, and other twins also helps complement and strengthen underattended interests.
For example, in my experience, from as early as I can remember, outsiders assumed that my twin and I had the same interests and liked the same activities. This misunderstanding was stifling for us. We were so excited when people asked about our separate interests. For example, Marjorie liked sports, and I liked ice skating. Marjorie was good at Hebrew, and I was good at French, but these differences were ignored. Fortunately, we knew who should take the French tests and who should read Hebrew out loud in religious school.
When we did share possessions, it was an important, life-enhancing trade. If I had something my twin wanted, an exchange was as critical as life itself in some way.
Conclusions
Twin happiness can be truly rewarding, while twin fighting can be extremely mean and destructive to the development of the self. What creates mental health in twins is understanding and support for their unique gifts related to perception and compassion. In my opinion, as individual development grows, so does the real strength of the twin bond.
Too much closeness creates difficulty functioning without your twin. Independence will enhance communication, problem-solving, and harmony.
Hands-On Suggestions
1. Parents need to respond to real differences between their twin children starting at birth. Continuing to affirm differences is critical to their well-being.
2. Avoid labeling twins in any way. Don’t say, “Barbara is like Aunt Pearl, and Marjorie is like Aunt Esther.” Say instead, “Barbara is more soft-spoken, and Marjorie says exactly what she is thinking.”
3. Showing favoritism creates deep issues with fighting and can seriously thwart positive identity. Avoid favoritism no matter what.
4. Develop a unique relationship with each child.
5. In childhood, respect the twin bond, even if twins are fighting. Twin love transcends anger.
6. Do not discipline the twin who did not cause the problem.
7. Avoid insisting that your twins get along. It is more helpful to teach them to respect each other.
