Can You Overcome Twin Loneliness?

Loneliness is more profound for twins than single-born children.

From my personal lived experiences as a twin and from my consulting and research experiences with primarily estranged twins I have learned that loneliness is definitely a hard-to-get-over “side effect” of being a twin. Twins suffer more intensely than single-born individuals when they feel “alone.” Although it is hard to put into words, the intensity of twin loneliness makes understanding and managing such loneliness difficult and sometimes overwhelming for twins.

Emotional pain and suffering is very profound as twins separate from each other. The intensity of separation anxiety is related to the irreplaceable bond that twins share. Like the parent-child bond, the twin attachment is a foundation and building block of identity. The twin bond also contributes to really needing other people to be “close” and to understand easily how they and other people feel and what they need. What makes up the empty feeling of not having your twin by your side is based on the following psychological constructs.

Over-identification and Enmeshment

Very often twins see themselves in each other, which seriously complicates their separation from one another and contributes to anger, misunderstanding and loneliness between the pair. For example, over 40 years ago my twin sister was in Sweden when I got pregnant. When she arrived home I was seven months pregnant. Immediately she called me fat. Marge hates fat people. And because she was over-identified with me, unconsciously she saw my big baby bulge as hers. In other words, Marjorie, my twin sister, saw herself in me and did not like me being fat. I was hurt to the core by her shaming behavior.

When I was pregnant I think we both felt very lonely for our own reasons. I wanted her to be proud of me and excited about a new edition to my family. But we were obviously responding to this blessed event differently, which was something that was hard to feel, experience, and to endure. Bottom line, it was confusing. We were raised to always be alike, so that my twin would “mirror” my happiness and my problems and I would “mirror” Marjorie. I am using “mirror” to mean reflecting back understanding and affirmation.

In general, as we separated we were not agreeing with one another's point of view. This type of understanding, which I label over-identification, does not occur with single-born children. The intensity of the feelings between siblings who are unhappy or confused with each other is much less all-encompassing.

Born Married

There are many other deep and unseeable (or hard to see) reasons why twins suffer more loneliness than non-twins. Firstly, the strong reaction to not having another person at your side begins at birth and is always a part of verbal and non-verbal twin identity. By sharing the womb for nine months, twins in the early stages of life are almost or mostly “just one.” Earliest memories and experiences of oneness (or “lost” oneness) create a need for closeness with other people.

Without a doubt, primary caregivers and early life experiences become deeply etched into the minds and souls of twins.

Gradually, a twin learns to understand that they are separate from their twin and are able to tolerate separation experiences. Feeling totally separate from your twin literally takes a lifetime to fully accomplish. Interestingly, because twins measure themselves against each other in order to gain a sense of themselves, being different from your twin can be “positive” or “negative” or both, depending on the need for affirmation on the part of the insecure twin.

In this post, I will outline several of the developmental milestones that inform and create the causes of twin loneliness. The varying symptoms that suggest or indicate loneliness, such as separation anxiety; “over-concern” about getting along with your twin; misunderstandings, devastating disappointments and rage; and seeking out a twin replacement, will be explained.

Developmental Contributions to Loneliness

Sharing physical closeness in the womb and from birth onward

Single children arrive in the world alone. Twins come into life together, which is the very first reason that being apart is such a difficult experience for them. In fact, pediatricians, parents of twins and twin experts report that twins need to be close after birth as they are not used to being apart. They can be totally inconsolable in their new life environment without each other.

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

The Unique Development of Twin Language

How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond

Sharing Parental Attachments

The creation of over-identification and enmeshment is related to having to share parental love and attention with your co-twin. Inevitably, sharing brings up the feelings of competition, loss, and loneliness very early in life. Although I don't remember my own early conflicts over who got the first bottle or the first pacifier, stuffed toy, or an extra hug, I know from twins I have played with and talked to that competition is continual. If only for a moment, one twin is the winner and the other the loser. The loser feels alone and needs help to feel better. This competition breeds loneliness, which cannot always be controlled. Containing loneliness is related to the phenomena of the primary attachment to both the co-twin (the other twin) and to the mother figure. In other words, twins miss each other and they also miss the primary caregiver, Mom.

Twins Measure Themselves Against Each Other

Identifying yourself in relation to your twin creates the serious consequence of competition and struggles with identity. Said in another way, twins don't learn to know themselves without each other, which creates serious dependency issues for twins. Getting back to the similarities that twins long for, and feeling alone when the twins are “different,” contributes to loneliness as twins grow older and make their own unique lives. Twins in my experience want to have similar reactions to events and when they don't, there are serious fights. For example, I will never forget the anger I had with my twin because she would not go with me to Bloomingdales when we were in New York one summer. She will never forget a “boring” lecture I gave to a Mother of Twins club years and years ago. We were different. She was a professor who knew how to keep her students engaged. I rarely gave presentations and Marjorie routinely said I was boring. Loneliness and anger are our memories of these experiences.

Being different is inevitable and healthy but also emotionally and cognitively confusing. In my own experience I longed to be myself. I worked hard at being a true individual. But I also felt so very alone without my twin to complete me. Being “one,” being alone, is scary for adult twins. But being different is going to happen no matter what. So twins, like everyone else in the world, can't avoid missing somebody who comforts them.

Conclusions

Twin loneliness is a serious issue that is misunderstood in our culture. As parents of twins and twins themselves learn more about how they are different from each other and special in many ways from single-born children, they will be able to develop coping strategies to deal with loneliness. My advice is to keep trying and eventually you will overcome that strange sense that something is missing. Single-born people cannot understand this feeling, and never will.

Recommendations

1. Appreciate yourself without comparing yourself to your co-twin.
2. Accept that you need to be in close and meaningful relationships, but do not have unrealistic expectations of others to understand you or for them to be like your twin.
3. See fighting as a part of being a twin and don't be ashamed when you do fight.
4. Developing your own sense of self requires distance from your twin, which can be very difficult to achieve.