When Pain Becomes Purpose

Source: harukachan12/Pixabay

In 2012, after a long day of work, I sat down for dinner and turned on the TV. What I saw that night still sticks with me: a news story about a 5-year-old girl from rural Russia who was thrown out of a fourth-story window by her mother. She survived. Bloodied, she crawled back up the stairs and stood in front of her mother, saying, "I love you."

I couldn’t shake that image. How could this child, after all she’d been through, still love the person who hurt her? It made me wonder: What happens to kids like this when they grow up? What does that kind of pain do to a person? And how does it affect their relationships as adults?

Childhood trauma—whether it's abuse, neglect, or emotional manipulation—leaves scars that don’t always show. But they shape who we become. They affect how we see ourselves, how we trust others, and how we love.

I remember a moment in my own life when I realized how hard being a parent could be. My daughter was 3, and I had just come home after a stressful day. She immediately started crying and asking for things, and I felt the anger rise up in me. I was exhausted, overwhelmed. In that moment, I thought I might snap.

I knew I had to step away before I did something I’d regret. I calmly asked her to sit in her room while I took a break. It was the first time I’d ever done that. It helped me cool down, but it scared me. It made me realize how easily things can go wrong. Parents are just people, too, dealing with their own stress, their own pain. We're all learning as we go.

A few years ago, I was in a store when I saw a mother with her two kids. Her younger child was in her arms, and the older boy, around 7, was misbehaving. He was loud, fidgeting, not listening. The mom was clearly frustrated. When he misbehaved again, she slapped him hard across the face.

The boy froze. His eyes—so full of fear—were locked on his mother. He didn’t cry, didn’t scream. He just stood there, waiting for the next blow. It broke my heart. I walked over to the mother and gently reminded her that her children were beautiful, full of potential. I told her how much they loved her, how they just needed her guidance, not her anger.

But even as I spoke, I couldn’t stop thinking about that boy. What would happen to him? How would that moment stay with him as he grew older?

That boy, like many children who face abuse or neglect, will carry that pain into adulthood. The truth is, trauma never fully disappears. It stays with us, shaping how we interact with others, how we trust, and how we view ourselves. But here’s the important thing to understand: Trauma can go both ways.

Trauma can be a turning point. It can teach us deep lessons about life, about who we are, and about what really matters. Post-traumatic growth is a concept that shows us that people who experience hardship or suffering can actually grow stronger as a result (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2006). This growth can come in many ways—sometimes it’s a deeper appreciation for life, other times it’s a new level of compassion and empathy for others.

It doesn’t mean that the pain goes away. It means that we can find meaning in our suffering. It is the idea that, after experiencing pain, we can actually emerge more resilient, more compassionate, and more connected to others. Trauma shapes us, yes, but it doesn’t have to break us.

There’s another important concept here: Altruism born of suffering (Vollhardt, 2009). This idea shows that people who go through hardship can develop a stronger desire to help others. The pain we’ve experienced can make us more empathetic, more willing to lift others up, and more committed to making the world a better place.

When you’ve been through pain, you understand it on a deeper level. You know what it feels like to hurt, and that often makes you want to ease the pain of others. The suffering we’ve endured doesn’t just teach us about life; it can also inspire us to give back, to serve others, and to make a positive difference in the world. That’s what we call altruism born of suffering.

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For the girl who survived the fall from the window, her experiences might make her cling too hard to love, even when it’s toxic. She might stay in unhealthy relationships because she’s desperate for love. She might overcompensate, trying to fix others, thinking that will fill the hole in her heart.

But for others, trauma can lead to healing. It can make us more understanding, more patient, and more willing to help those who are suffering. The pain we carry doesn’t define us—it becomes the fuel for our growth. It makes us stronger, kinder, and more compassionate.

Healing from trauma isn’t easy, but it’s possible. It starts with acknowledging that the past hurts. It’s about accepting that pain but choosing not to let it control us. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning to live with the scars, to use them to become better, not bitter.

Parents can break the cycle, too. I realized, in that moment when I almost lost control with my daughter, that I had the power to step back, to pause, and to choose a healthier path. We can always learn and grow—just like our children can.

If you’re struggling with trauma, if you feel stuck, know this: Healing is possible. You don’t have to carry the weight forever. You can move forward. Start by accepting that you are worthy of love, worthy of healing, and worthy of a better tomorrow.

Take it one step at a time. You are not alone. And you are stronger than you think.