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Getting out was a long story, but I'm certain what tipped the scales was getting my ADHD diagnosed and treated. I was better able to follow directions of conversation and words like "wait, that's not what we were talking about" started coming out of my mouth. Whatever weird power balance we had got completely thrown by that, and chaos ensued.
Narcissism
Escaping the Codependent-Narcissist Trap
Codependents can be targeted by narcissists, and it's hard to leave once hooked.
Posted Feb 06, 2019
Source: Adobe/Leonid
By Sherry Gaba, LCSW
One definition of a codependent is someone who feels responsible for other people’s feelings, problems, and behaviors to the exclusion of themselves. While this isn’t the only definition, codependents are, in general, willing to sacrifice their own emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing (and even safety) in order to sustain their relationships and take care of their partners and family members.
Of course, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. It definitely takes two to be in a relationship. And, this type of pleaser/fixer personality is the unfortunate compliment for someone who prefers the role of taker/controller.
While I’ve spent a lot of time discussing the role codependency plays for those of us who are, or have been, in relationships with addicts, people with addictions are not the only ones who “latch on” to codependents or for whom codependents sacrifice themselves.
Codependents often find themselves in relationships with people who exhibit narcissism.
Narcissism often defined in terms of being the opposite of codependency. A narcissist is said to be someone who is excessively involved with his or her self, who feels entitled and places his or her own feelings, needs, and desires above those of anyone else in a relationship, and who lacks compassion and empathy.
Interestingly, while narcissists and codependents are often seen and defined in these opposing terms, they may exhibit similar behaviors, including denial, shame, dysfunctional boundaries, a need to control others and dependency on others for validation. In other words, most narcissists can also be classified as codependents, though the opposite is not true (most codependents do not share the characteristics of narcissists). In fact, about the only things separating narcissists from codependents are narcissists’ lack of empathy and sense of entitlement.
Given all of this, it becomes much easier to see why codependents and narcissists often become involved in relationships with one another.
A Match Made in Misery
Both narcissists and codependents can appear extremely warm, charming, and caring at the outset of a relationship—the narcissist in order to gain appreciation and favor, the codependent to lavish attention.
While the codependent can easily “fall” for the narcissist’s attention and charms, the narcissist can quickly become enamored with what the codependent offers, namely complete control of the relationship.
The codependent willingly sacrifices boundaries, personal desires, goals, and even personal happiness in order to pursue and please the narcissist, who loves the attention and the feeling of being everything and all things to the codependent.
Unfortunately, this initial fairy tale is actually a trap that is doomed to end in misery…
Once the narcissist has “won” the codependent—although it can be just as “fair” to say, “once the codependent has ‘won’ the narcissist”—the narcissist no longer feels his or her initial charm is necessary. Having gotten the codependent’s love, affection, sacrifice, and care, the narcissist now feels entitled to them.
Of course, the codependent now finds himself or herself in an all-too-familiar situation…
While the codependent desperately craves the love and attention the narcissist initially showered upon him or her, he or she will likely never experience it again. The narcissist has already moved on to his or her next conquest. And, the more the codependent tries to save or win back or recreate the relationship that he or she has always wanted, the more attention the narcissist receives from the codependent without having to give anything in return.
Escaping the Trap
Codependents don’t typically see ending the relationship as an option, if only because they’d see doing so as a failure, and a personal failure at that. Remember, saving the relationship is the codependent’s “job.” The codependent sees it as his or her responsibility. The narcissist, finding it valuable to keep someone around who’s willing to sacrifice his or her boundaries and self to please the narcissist, will continue to string the codependent along and give them just enough attention to keep the codependent’s hope alive.
Since the narcissist lacks empathy and sees nothing wrong with his or her own behavior, the narcissist has little reason to change.
This means it’s typically up to the codependent to end the relationship. But, due to codependents’ lack of self-esteem, the thought of being alone is often worse than the thought of remaining in an unhealthy, one-sided, loveless relationship. There’s the trap.
It’s often not until the codependent reaches some sort of breaking point that he or she becomes willing to even consider ending the relationship, let alone seek professional help. But some sort of professional counseling or psychotherapy—as well as the support of a group such as Codependents Anonymous or that provided here at Wake Up Recovery—is almost always necessary for codependents to learn how to set healthy boundaries and understand that the only way they’ll ever find or create the relationship they know deep down inside is possible is by doing the healing work necessary to love themselves enough not to get involved in another dysfunctional relationship.
The codependent-narcissist trap is not an easy trap to get out of, but us codependents can break free… As long as we’re willing to ask for help and do the work necessary to learn how to love ourselves!
Have you found yourself in dysfunctional relationships with takers/controllers? Are you still in one? If so, what’s keeping you in that relationship? And, if you’ve escaped the trap, what did it take for you to do so? Be sure to share your thoughts and questions using the comment section below so we can all learn from and help each other.
First published here.
Same
Submitted by Wayne Bernier on February 15, 2019 - 2:57pm
Funny I never noticed how similar my experience was. I didn't realize I had ADHD and when I started noticing it I noticed everything else. Gaslighting played a huge role in my situation.
I was a co-dependent to a
Submitted by Anne on March 11, 2019 - 6:02pm
I was a co-dependent to a narcissist friend for twenty years. One day I woke up, started questioning stuff, and I didn’t see her for dust. I realised I had spent twenty years appeasing and treading on eggshells, a human being who never really cared for me and was only a friend to me on her terms. Horrible! Don’t get caught like this - never give up yourself and be under the power of another human being in this way. It’s better to feel the pain of abandonment than to maintain a false relationship with a narcissist. Wasted years.
Codependent that stayed in a toxic relationship too long
Submitted by Robert Sandoval on April 21, 2019 - 2:55am
I am definitely codependent. Especially in the low self esteem, compliance, avoidance pattern end of codependency. Number one on the compliance patterns..."are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long". That is me. I was starting to set boundaries my narc upped her game and became physically abusive. I made the mistake of getting a restraining order and in short she left before I could serve her and came back with the police and her own version of a restraining order that never went before a judge. Mine disappeared and the police sided with her and I was arrested for domestic violence.
Miscarriage of Justice
Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on April 21, 2019 - 11:25am
It wasn't a mistake to file. Don't fault yourself. Sometimes, justice is blind to the truth. A judge believed the abuser over me, too.
Your whole restraining order
Submitted by Beeyarright Tee Ayennwhy on May 6, 2019 - 4:06am
Your whole restraining order situation sounds extremely fishy not to mention illegal
hopelessly stuck
Submitted by bwalsh on February 6, 2019 - 3:18pm
Can't believe how much this fits my marriage!! First 10 years I did everything for my husband - plastic surgery, everything! I lived to please him and loved the few hours of love I felt in return. He controlled every aspect of my life - children raising, money, how I dressed, where we went - everything and although I didn't feel happy about those choices, I obeyed...for his love and to avoid his anger. Years later our marriage is more a co habitation. He's not happy because I don't obey anymore and I can't remember ever really being loved. He has been verbally abusive many times in the past but now he mostly just ignores any emotional input. And yet....the prospect of being alone is much much much worse than this!
Take charge
Submitted by Finally Free on February 6, 2019 - 8:35pm
I can relate to your post. I just got divorced after 15 years, he was the KING of NARCISSISTIT'S. It took me 11 years until I had "the ahhh ha" realization. Then spent 4 more years holding on for our daughters sake. Wasted time and it consumed me physically and mentally. I am FREE now. Solely focused on me and my 6 year old. It's never too late to start over.
i'm in the same boat
Submitted by Steve on February 25, 2019 - 2:03pm
Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'm in the same boat with my wife. She gets angered really easily especially when I'm calm. New Year's day around 3am she attacked me and I had enough. I called the police. She was arrested after inflicting injuries to me. She isn't allowed to come near me or the house until this is over with the courts. It's been 2 months so far. She is telling neighbors I faked the injuries and has even been harrassing our 11 year old for various reasons I will not post here. Yes I'm alone at times but I'm ok with it. I'm not verbally abused. She said I was verbally abusive. Funny how she is the ONLY ONE I could NOT talk to. She is the ONLY ONE who twisted my words. Can't tell you how many times I said, "that's not what I said!" Good luck. I suggest recording arguments so you can listen back to realize how bad it was.
This is probably one of the best
Submitted by mickus on February 6, 2019 - 3:29pm
way to describe without going on and on about narcissism. I think most people see co-dependency as a good thing like ooh they care others. The problem is they do not care others, they love giving attention to get something and the only difference from Narc is Narcs lack empathy.
I will add one thing: what made the narc was narc parents and what made the codep was also most likely a narc parent so that deep familiarity is the problem.
If I was therapist, I would not guide a break up of this couple but would likely strengthened their wisdom about themselves.
Cause usually there are children and life shared so even the codependent is not going all of sudden find the perfect partner. patterns are shared and hard to break here.
Self esteem
Submitted by Nobody on February 7, 2019 - 9:14am
I agree co-dependents want attention and that a lot of their motivation for helping people is to be liked and please the person who they are helping. But having empathy, they also care and do things for this reason too.
I also agree that breaking up isn't always the best solution. Personally I dated a narcissist and then after breaking up I found another narcissist. I'm attracted to narcissists.
I have some narcissist traits such as superiority and independence and this is good protection for me. I think that co-dependents have as big a problem as the narcissists and that both the narcissist and Co-dependent need to both change together.
The co-dependent needs to learn to value themself more and get what they need from the narcissist. If the narcissist becomes entitled and withdraws affection then the co-dependent should withdraw help and both should explain to each other how they feel. They need to stand in each others shoes and understand each other. The narcissist has to consider the co-dependent if they are also not getting what they require. They are as needy as each other.
Self esteem
Submitted by Mike on April 25, 2020 - 8:38pm
Hello,
I’ve been codependent in relationships and realizing the suicidal cost of it, I’m choosing life, come what may, how ever hard or not it may be. However, my nature is compassionate and I also put myself in her shoes because I know of the deep early life traumas that marked her. But that is life and I’ve realized it’s not my role to save but to be an equal life companion, in genuine respect and appreciation each on our own feet. Otherwise, might as well crucify myself.
it won't work
Submitted by Hey on February 25, 2019 - 2:07pm
Although what you say sounds good, it will not work. It is virtually impossible to get a narc to realize they are a narc. They don't think they have an issue. Narcs think WE HAVE THE ISSUE. They can't be cured. Best to leave.
Narc
Submitted by Beth on October 13, 2019 - 11:57pm
My advice to those co dependents is to plan and get things in order so you can leave.
Don’t take the abuse. You don’t deserve it and don’t need it in your life.
God bless you
Survived a horrible 9 year marriage and a 7 year divorce
Submitted by mtngurl on February 7, 2019 - 3:22pm
23 years ago, as a young mother, forbidden to practice my career by my new corporatist husband, I quickly became "trained" to always present a Great Image, to never speak truth, and to live in our 5 million home that had no furniture, no appliances, etc. Only the outside of the house counted -- it was all for show and had to be perfect. Household monies for electricity, heat, and food were diverted to his many mistresses. Each pregnancy was my failure when the baby was a girl. He never let me forget it was somehow my fault that I miscarried ---- a child he always called "his son", although the feteus was only 2 months old. The last draw was his insistence that spending money on our daughters was a waste, and his life was meaningless because he had no son. (Pregnancies were life-threatening for me.) He offered to bring home a son made by one of his mistresses for me to raise as our own. I said no because he refused to care for the children he already had. This began a 7 year divorce, that went to the State Supreme Court twice. He lied and claimed to everyone that I was a coke addict --- got my girlfriends, our minister and a doctor to testify to this --- and all received payments for doing so---"investments for their business ventures. He followed me, had the house and car bugged, phones taped, would break in and steal things when I was not home. He threatened to kidnap our therapist (who had told me to leave him 3 years earlier) if she testified on my behalf. He hired a hitman who twice shot at me and missed. I spent four years of that time studying narcissism -- and there was not much information available in 1990. I came to understand how my sweet cooperation and codependency made me his victim. Finally when the divorce was over, I left the country to feel safe. He had agreed our daughters could go with me, and had legally signed off on this, because they were "worthless" to him. The day we were to leave, he had me arrested for trying to steal his children. I left the country for 12 years to regain my health and sanity. Today my adult children- in their 30s--do not speak to me -- they have chosen to believe the lies of their father, and are seriously messed up: they work with him, and live with him, went to his alma mater, and are completely under his control. He dangles his money and their inheritance, but its all lies. Every contact with him is traumatic. Watching this president re-traumatizes me, too. So similar: all lies, all b.s. and self agrandizing behaviors. Anything to win. The only safe place is out of the N's line of sight.
Sometimes
Submitted by Nobody on February 7, 2019 - 5:27pm
Anonymous wrote:The only safe place is out of the N's line of sight.
Sometimes for some people breaking up is the only sensible option. But everybody is messed up in some way. This is illustrated by the ease with which a narcissist (but not only a narcissist) can turn everyone against you.
Left the narcassist
Submitted by Luisa on February 14, 2019 - 1:33am
He was a total charmer, used me as I am a great codependent. Not no more, I never had sex with as he was married, but he tried, he flirted constantly. His wife finally left him, I thought he really liked me but he found another to use and that ended, now he is with another one. He is also an addict. I am so happy he is out of my life. I told him not to contact me again, and he freaked out, I don't care. Karma is a bitch.
Mind Over Matter
Submitted by Nisey on February 23, 2019 - 11:25am
Knowing oneself, who you are and your expectations for self plays a great role in who you will or expect to have in your life. If early on, you are experiencing a large amount of difficulty in a relationship, knowing time is critical in one's life journey, you will learn quick to end the fantasy and move forward with the reality of your true expectations, for life and time is crucial and ought be regarded as such. Reason more, to get to know self, appreciate self before you bring another along on your journey. Stay focused in reality because fantasy land will displace your reality if you don't. Learn from your mistakes and read the writing on the wall. Good luck.
I finally got away from him
Submitted by Lonely but healing finally on March 7, 2019 - 10:58pm
He was so charming, and he gushed over me day and night in the beginning. He'd spend loads of money on presents and dinners for me. He said I love you immediately, and never wanted to spend a day apart.
One month in, he asked me to move in. I didn't, which annoyed him. He didn't like my job, and he hated my best friend. He told me he couldn't marry me unless I found new work. The worst part though, was he knew how badly I want children, and constantly asked me if we could have a baby together. I let my ticking biological clock, and his constant showering of attention override the red flags. As soon as I was pregnant, he told me he didn't love me anymore. I was completely crushed. He acted as if the pregnancy was a disease, and he had no recollection of all the times he told me he wanted to get me pregnant and have a baby.
After I had the abortion, which was his request, he began love bombing me again so I wouldn't leave him. He bombarded me with paragraph long texts about being his soul mate and future wife. By now he had me totally isolated from my friends and family, and because of trying to hide the pregnancy/abortion, I'd been getting in trouble at work.
I was completely helpless to him, and felt he totally controlled me. I started researching abusive relationships and planning my exit. I reconciled with my parents, starting working more, and calling my friends I'd pushed away. I secretly rebuilt the life he had taken away from me.
I finally let him go now that I'm strong enough, and I've got him blocked on all media. Now I'm just alone, and full of doubt and low esteem. But I'm happy I escaped him. I just can't believe I got myself into this. The craziest part is this whole thing only took about 4 months to play out, though it feels like much longer. I totally lost control, but I have it back now. I just hope that he doesn't come after me.
I just hope he doesn't come after me...
Submitted by Deb on October 16, 2019 - 10:49am
They always come back. You have to be cold and NOT let them in. Look up cognitive dissonance. They depend on your normal way of thinking about what is right and wrong to con you. Normal people accept an apology and good behaviour... from normal people who will genuinely accept they have done wrong and strive to be different and appropriate. Narcs act as though they have changed or are apologetic, but know it is just an act. Do NOT open the door even a crack.
So, how do we help Co-dependents break free....
Submitted by Karen Martinkovic on March 27, 2019 - 11:39am
from their "Narcissist Master" - in my case, I've been trying for years, reading everything I can to understand how my friends & family remain under complete control of the greatest narcissist I think we have ever witnessed - Donald Trump. I just can't understand their utter abandonment of high standards, good morals & values that we used to share. But even more so, how they even refuse to think for themselves or even see all the similarities of their political infatuation with the "normal" romantic relationships with Narcissists. So, how do we help them to "Wake Up" - it's no longer personal/affecting only those in dysfunctional relationships - it's hurting the American Public & going so far as to hurt the entire world in this ugly, unending cycle. I cannot understand their acceptance of blatant deception and constant, repetitive denial that POTUS is only maintaining his power/control over them in order to gain absolute power/control over everyone else too.
Escaped the Narc
Submitted by Anne on March 27, 2019 - 2:10pm
I was in a relationship for 4 years, he decided to work abroad since he was unemployed and always had trouble keeping jobs (he always claimed ppl treated him badly) Of course he gave me a ring before he left so I wouldnt stray too far Wouldnt call it proposing since he wrote a text saying "you annoy me sometimes but I think i can live with it, and when I dont see your butt I miss it" Once he was there, he began treating me worse than usual, making more threats and mean comments, giving me the silent treatment, ignoring me, telling me the women there liked strong controlling men and they liked being submissive. I think I cried every day
Until finally a friend tried texting him in a "flirty way " (He had of course cheated on me before with his daughters mother and others)
He sent her videos and pictures while telling me he was "working" And I just couldn't take it anymore I broke up with him the next conversation he was treating me like shit, blocked him and he immediately tried to apologize, had his mother calling me to please forgive him, blasted all my social media and everywhere I could read messages from him. Even linkedin
He even came back from the abroad job months earlier, saying he changed and would do anything to make things right. Of course it's what every codependent wishes to hear But also what every narc knows you need to hear. In the end no changes, no real understanding of the issues that tore things apart And the healthiest way to go is no contact, simple as that
People saying its better to stay married for the sake of the children have no idea the damage of witnessing a fucked up relationship dynamic causes in them. You are practically training them to think it's NORMAL for couples to be either abusive or submissive, next thing you know your daughter is married to a narc. NO you DO NOT stay with them for the kids, you LEAVE them for the kids, so they have a chance to see their Mom/Dad happy, peaceful, unafraid, smiling, working, thriving, Who the f*ck cares if you are single Your kids want a happy parent, not a married parent. The best lesson they can learn as human beings is that an independent person can be perfectly happy and kind. You don't want them thinking they need someone to complete their lives. And i strongly suggest that if you are living / lived a situation like this Therapy is the best choice, it gives you the tools to understand the pattern of abuse, and gives you the clarity to avoid it in the future.
How do you help a narcissist get help?
Submitted by Ruel on April 1, 2019 - 4:51pm
I realize that this may sound co-dependent but I understand and can empathize with the pain and suffering that narcissists feel inside. What do you do if you’re unconditionally in love with a narcissist and you truly want to help them understand that they need help? What is the best strategy or process for getting them to realize what they are feeling and how they are behaving? I want to help the narcissist in my life understand their pain so she can heal her deep, inner wound. What if I don't want to simply abandon them to their own suffering and misery? What's the first step?
Helping a Narcissist
Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on April 1, 2019 - 5:04pm
Narcissist usually don't seek treatment. They only might if you set boundaries and insist as a consequence. They have to feel the pain to be motivated. See my ebook, "Dealing with a Narcissist."
Codependent
Submitted by David L Lamer on April 14, 2019 - 7:57pm
Apparently I am involved with a narcissist. Very good one.
I thought we had a good life over our 27 year official and 38 overall.
Once I said I do She started I use to. And I guess so it began.
Catering to her every need and desire to win her attention.
She left me for a looser no job nothing. But shortly returned and admitted her mistake and then returned to him. I continued to gain her back. As soon as it was close I would loose her again.
Finally after her arrest 2nd felony charge she moved in with me ending her affair.
So I thought.
While things were never ideal she was with me and therefore I was happy. Kinda.
She had a stroke and was paralyzed on right side.
After months of hard work and effort she regained use of both arm and leg. Retured to work. I was still having to help her in shower and getting ready every morning.
And then she returned to her lover.
Again I was told it was a mistake and ya Da yada.
Well 3 days later he's in hospital emergency surgery.
Now appears he has stage 4 cancer. Worst is he could still live another 6 months.
I see all my mistakes and justification
Codependent
Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on April 14, 2019 - 9:16pm
If she's committed felonies, there's a chance you may be dealing with a sociopath. See my blog on the differences between ASPD and NPD.
co-dependency
Submitted by Susanna on April 17, 2019 - 4:58pm
I was raised by two narcissists and as a hsp grew us to be co-dependent in all my interactions. I have tried to behave differently but my "moral code" has been very strong saying I must please everyone and not disappoint anyone.I have gone through this story many times. And when I have gotten to the good place I have start all over again. Right now I'm sitting in a big hole again. If I get up from there, I hope next time I'll remember for good. So far I have forgotten everything I've learned when I've felt healthy and happy after long suffering. "I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.
walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.”
Codependent
Submitted by Chris on July 19, 2019 - 4:55pm
Grew up a codependent, I believe, as a result of having a narc father and a mother with passive-aggressive traits. I was diagnosed with having adult stomach ulcers at the age of 8yrs. old. Had the barium liquid and the xray. For the better part of my youth I remember always feeling empty on the inside, as though there was a void inside of me. The only thing I believed I had as a worthiness was that I could love, and wanted to be loved in a mutual way. There were a few occasions when I felt this type of connection. Met a wonderful girl at age 17, fell in love and enjoyed a sense of stability in my life from the love she gave to me. We got married at 18. Things changed gradually but drastically over that first year. From demanding changes to our understanding of what a marriage should comprise, to emotional abuse if she didn't get her own way, the number of diverse tactics she used left me in tears trying to figure out what was going on. The abuse escalated to her threatening to leave me, to later threatening to leave with our new daughter saying she would make me appear to be the abusive one. I have strong feelings that she has had sex with others, and has had an abortion without my knowledge. I have read many articles in addition to this one as my awakened understanding of my situation has become clearer recently. I understand that I have been trying to change an unchangeable person, so I am hoping to receive some sage advise about changing myself.
Thanks, Chris
Change
Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on July 19, 2019 - 6:01pm
Your question sounds like you may be ready to help yourself by getting therapy and attending CoDA meetings. Practice the Serenity Prayer and get guidance on changing what you can! Do the exercises in my books, too.
Where do I find help ?
Submitted by Paula Stallions on July 25, 2019 - 10:24pm
I have finally begun to see my narsacist for who he is....I am almost 50 and am ready for a change in myself. I am tired of the never ending cycle. I spent some time doubting he was a narcissist because of the dramatic examples of extreme behavior. I live near Troy Alabama please let me know of resources in my area.
Help
Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on July 26, 2019 - 1:41am
Do see a counselor and attend CoDA. Do the exercises in my books. Look on PT or call your insurer. I also do phone coaching, described on the Services page of my website.
Life after
Submitted by Jo on August 9, 2019 - 12:59pm
Great Article!!
My problem is trying to find a relationship after the fact... As if trying to date in 2019 isn't hard and crazy enough...
I have two children with a narcissist who was also a drug addict. She ended up marrying a guy she met in rehab less than a year after our divorce. I've been a single full time dad for 4 years now and find myself resorting back codependent behavior anytime a woman shows interest I get crazy into it and freak them out.... even after at least 3 years of counseling and spiritual direction... I only find myself doing it when it's someone I actually really want. There were lots of dates or "casual encounters" initially; but that gets really old really quick and tends to leave you more empty....
How do you control that feeling of "needing them" and the crazy feeling of coming across desperate because all you want is to talk to them all the time. Or you're just ready to be somewhere they are not yet... It makes me feel like i'm crazy when things start to fall apart and that just makes me all the more "need to fix this" which spirals quick.....
Codependent
Submitted by Bobbi Baca on August 11, 2019 - 10:59pm
Well I have been in this miserable relationship/marriage for three years! After reading about the codependent I realized that was me! I have tried so hard to please a man that will never be pleased! I have tried everything to make him happy and he is never happy! He is not aggressive! More of an emotional abuser and so good at manipulating and making it all my fault and making me feel worthless and constantly putting me down or making comments that totally destroy me inside! I don’t feel that I have low self esteem! I’m the dumb one that has hope that maybe just maybe he can change! So here is my story! Our entire relationship has been up and down! I have literally left like 4 times and somehow he charms me back begs me promises things will be different! I am so dumb to believe it! 9 months ago I married him! I am so tired of getting my kids and moving around! I am planning to leave for the last time! I feel miserable every day! Some days he makes me feel like I’m the crazy one! Once we got married everything changed it’s like he completely ignores me like I’m completely invisible! All I want is 5 minutes of his time but he can’t even give me that! I’m done fighting I’m done trying I’m done giving! I am completely tapped out and have nothing else to give! I honestly loved him at one point well it’s obvious but I am so lonely miserable unhappy I’ve ever been! After doing research on the Narc I now know what I’m up against! I am fully preparing to get out for the last time! I hope to keep you all updated! And when I do get out I hope to give you all pointers and encouragement to help you to get out as well!
Co-dependent
Submitted by Jane on September 11, 2019 - 2:16pm
I knew my sibling and I were co-dependent for sure but I just realized my sibling is a narcissist. Last weekend we went shopping and to spend the night in the city. I was quietly sitting in the hotel room reading something and she says "do you want me to put your refrigerator stuff in my thermal bag". So I said, sure. Then she she sighs and says, "okay, I'll do that too"! I didn't say anything for a minute but then I thought, hey, she is slamming me. So I said, "I didn't ask you to take care of my stuff." Her response, "Just Stop It". Then it exploded from there. Then she said, "you ruin everything." What??? I was just sitting on the bed reading until you made that comment. It went from bad to ugly fast. She went into a tiraid and said "yep, you always have to be right, you are never wrong, nothing it ever your fault." I'm like, what? Now I start questioning if I'm losing my mind because this is crazy. She storms out with her bags. I get my bag and proceed outdoors to the vehicle being gone. So I'm 150 miles from home and the car is gone. Then I walk around the building and there she is....she moved the car!! Then I end up apologizing to her (I'm sure why) and she gives me the silence treatment. She hasn't spoken to me in ten days. Usually by now, I'm the one to make things right, not this time, she went too far. I did tell her during the fight that she was acting like our dad (who was the king of the narcissist) and apparently that hurt her deeply even though its true. There is no winning with a narcissist . You walk on eggshells trying not to upset them, they blow up over nothing, they are unreasonable and never apologize. I've been doing this my whole life and I think I've hit my limit. She is in therapy so let's hope that helps for her husband and adult son's sake. Good God I'm tired of this crap!
A light has been turned on!
Submitted by Anie on November 27, 2019 - 6:26am
I have just realised I am a codependent with narcissistic traits who was stuck in a relationship with a controlling manipulator. He trapped me in with charm and I admit I let him control me because I thought it meant he would continue to love me. We bought and ran a small seasonal guesthouse together, 50/50 at my insistence, and externally everyone thought we were a great couple. But it was all for show. I was so unhappy. He was extremely lazy, constantly making promises to do things then letting me down. He blame shifted and gas lighted in private and if I told anyone things he said, I was called evil and made to feel guilty.
He talked me into things, like allowing him to have a girlfriend who he bragged about to his friends in front of me. Always excusing his bad behaviour by telling me he would never leave me for her because I was his queen and he could love 2 women. He allowed me to have boyfriends but made sure I always told them about him so I wouldn't leave him. I was stupid and used the external attention to bolster my ego and try and hurt him. He told me I should get over my jealousy because he had got over his. I tried to change for him but knew it wasn't right.
Early this year I plucked up the courage to end the relationship after finding work away from him. He reacted violently and evicted me from my home. He accused me of narcissistic abuse and told me to get help. I accepted blame and looked into healing myself. I'm glad I did as I realised he is a grandiose narcissist who never loved me. I managed to get back into my home, taking over the guesthouse part so living separately, and now I see through his clever words. He is angry he has no control over me anymore and does things to hurt me which I am learning to ignore and not take personally.
I have low self-worth because of many things - narcissistic parents, bullied childhood, a head injury, and being cheated on before. I know I am putting myself in a dangerous place (he was arrested for trashing his previous partner’s house when she stopped feeding his supply) but I have nowhere else to go and I believe it is helping me evaluate my thoughts, feelings and actions. I also know it is not 100% his fault and inside he is a scared vulnerable person who’s life has crashed around him. I know he will also never admit he has a problem but it’s not my duty to fix him anyway. First step on recovery from co-dependency! I have a lot to learn and change about myself before I embark on a new relationship and it IS better to be alone than in a toxic relationship.
Escaped unscathed for the most part
Submitted by Judy on March 24, 2020 - 9:14am
It took another man who showed me unsolicited kindness without demand for reciprocity to wake me up to the lack of generosity I was receiving from my then husband who literally kept track of every little thing he had ever done for me in case the situation arose where he would have to remind me. Ironically, those acts were never out of kindness, when I always did things for him out of love. The selfishness just accumulated to a point where the imbalance was so great that I had to escape from the sheer weight of it on my back. I gained the courage to draw up the divorce papers, informing him of what I was doing hoping he would be compelled to change, be kinder, love me. But it never happened. He began to negotiate what he should get from the relationship, money, the apartment, things. It was devastating to see the shallowness I was blind to for so many years. We have a lovely child together to whom I want to show divorce can be civil so he remains in our apartment until he closes on hi CoOp but he lingers as if he is entitled to stay as long as he pleases. I explained that I am dating and no man is amiable to him still being in my apartment and he so I feel he lingers to spite me after all I have done for him. I refuse to hate him. I just visualize him gone soon. I am dating the kind man who woke me up and it is a lovely change for the better that was long overdue.
My narc ex wife and my codependent life
Submitted by Chris b on November 17, 2020 - 9:50pm
This story was 26 years in the making. She was my high school love. Never new she was a narcissist until I was used up and she wanted a divorce. Soon after her need to leave me and her wanting a divorce, I found out she loved her first high school boyfriend. I went into her email and found out she had twins that she aborted within the first two years of our marriage. We had two kids 11 and 19. They were told we were just bad for each other. Not that their mother was a narcissist and dad a codependent. She became cold and violent. She said she wanted to kill me. She was a pharmacist and very intelligent. I've never raised my voice or hit her but she had hit me and cussed my regularly. I talked to her old/ new boyfriend and he told me her left her when she became pregnant when he was going to college and that was the same she was calling me wanting me to rescue her. I became my codependent mother and she became my father that co trolled everything. I wish I could have seen it sooner. My girls live with her and her husband( the same guy from high school) she and I don't talk. My daughter was in an accident and my ex texted me not because she should but because my daughter asked. I. In a healthy marriage now. I have done some therapy and relieve the role I played in this hot mess. Please leave a comment good or bad, thanks
Narc wife
Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on November 18, 2020 - 1:18am
Congrats that you got out and even more that you now have love in your life with a new wife. Keep up your relationship with your girls. Go to court if necessary. It will pay-off later. They need you.
Codependent AF
Submitted by JayEl on November 29, 2020 - 4:35pm
I am a codependent of my Mother at 28 years old. I've known this for a few years and it's never affected me as greatly as it's affecting me now. I'm in a serious relationship and because my Mother always has something to say to make me feel guilty or like crap about myself or the way I parent my daughter my boyfriend gets very upset. He gets upset because he hates to see how upset I get over it. He's very knowledgeable about psychology and has given me tips on how to better confront my Mother about what she's doing and how she's hurting me and affecting me but I just shut down when I go to talk to her. I'm currently writing her a letter with the attributes she posses from the article above and specific instances as examples but if this doesn't help I'm not sure what I'm going to do because this is ruining my relationship. Anyone have any further suggestions? Thank you in advance!
Codependency
Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on November 29, 2020 - 5:25pm
It will be hard to change without more outside support because you're so enmeshed with her and your self-esteem has been compromised. Join CoDA dot org meetings, get a sponsor and a therapist, and read my book, "Codependency for Dummies" to learn more. There are a lot of exercises in the book to do also.
Triangulation
Submitted by Deb on November 30, 2020 - 7:36pm
Hi JayEI, I can relate. It is difficult when a parent is like this. And easy to get caught up in triangulation with another person. My parents did this to me and my boyfriend. It was awful, a three way interference. And with the boyfriend trying to support you it is easy to get messy.
I would suggest talking to a counselor or trusted intelligent friend instead of your boyfriend so your relationship with him doesn't get tangled in the mess.
With your mom, limit what you share to things that are light or have little value to you, as narcs will always undermine what you try to achieve or what you value. Don't try to change her, she won't, even sharing what she does and how it affects you in a letter is ammo for her. Write the letter for yourself so you can know what is normal and safe for you. Work with a counselor on letting go of the ideal relationship you'd like to have with her, it won't happen. She is the way she is and doesn't even know it, or if she knows doesn't care. Most important work with a counselor or read a tonne online about setting boundaries. My psychologist has been working with me this past year on boundaries and it is life changing. Even your mom weighing in on your life is a boundary issue. Lastly look up queen bee narcissist kn you tube, blonde woman has a whole channel with tones of videos on it. Most are about boyfriends but some onnparents. Either way traits are the same and her tactics and awareness building are great. I can spot a narcissist personally or professionally from miles away now! Love and light to you in your journey... remember knowing what you are dealing with is half the battle. Oh also look up cycle of abuse so you can see the pattern. Xoox
The other side
Submitted by Sudoku on January 5, 2021 - 9:50pm
I've been in therapy for a few months now for CPTSD, abuse, codependency, and general panic disorder. It took watching my abusive relationship with my ex being played out in front of me by two other people at work before I finally crashed and realised how messed up it was.
I met the male twin of myself and then the female twin of my ex (a textbook NPD). I fell in love with my twin at first sight, as I guess I subconsciously recognised a version of me that needed saving. He acted exactly the same way (although I'm not sure if he understood why). I now realise that I was attempting to rescue my younger self. But obviously that never works, as an oblivious codependent is trauma bonded to the narcissist and will fight off any suggestion that they are being abused. I did the same to other people when they tried warning me about my ex. I was extremely defensive of him. So he was trying to rescue me (his female twin) and I was trying to rescue him (my male twin), and that could never work as he was under the control of the narc and really conflicted. As a result, he would be very open and friendly to me one day, then completely cold and distant the next out of guilt. To be clear, there was never any chance of an affair, this was purely emotional trauma bonding.
That refusal to let me rescue him then triggered my codependency and tore open all the old wounds that I had never dealt with. I'd formed a codependent attachment on another codependent, who was attached to a narc! Possibly the worst situation I could imagine. It very nearly drove me to suicide and caused me a lot of physical health issues (high enough BP to cause a seizure, diabetes, panic attacks, severe depression, insomnia for months on end, memory loss, heart problems, stomach ulcer). My hair started falling out in places and I felt like I was dying both mentally and physically. I've been through a lot of bad stuff in my lifetime, but this was the worst as it went on for so long.
It became incredibly toxic. The wife had refused to get a job, so he got her a job there. Behind his back she would just bitch about him, ask me and another colleague to help her cheat on him, and made it very clear that she was with him for an easy ride and was disappointed that he didn't have more money (hence her looking for other men). The guilt of knowing what she was doing and not being able to say anything to him made the 'rescue' drive ten times worse. I honestly thought I would go insane. I started applying for other jobs, as I'd been there almost a year by that point and just needed to get as far away as possible.
Then the whole corona thing started. When lockdown happened and I didn't have to see him every day or hear about her, it was half agony but half relief of having space to detach from the situation. Although my parents have an NPD-codependent relationship (which is where I inherited it) and being stuck in a house with them all day every day was almost as bad.
Eventually I was struggling to do basic things like remember what day it was or where I was supposed to be and got assigned a trauma specialist who then referred me to the team I have now. Ironically, I was sacked a few weeks later. Although after a split second of disappointment, I just felt an enormous sense of relief that I could escape that hell! And it forced me to completely hit rock bottom and throw myself into therapy.
It's been several months and is still an ongoing process, but I can finally accept that I don't need to just sit there and allow people to treat me like a punchbag or doormat. I'm allowed to say 'no' and refuse to help people without feeling insane amounts of guilt. I'm discovering what 'boundaries' mean and basically how to be more of a bitch for my own good. I've stopped caring whether people like me or not or whether I'm useful. I now care about whether I like myself and whether my needs are getting met first. Part of me is still sad that he will have to endure more abuse from her until it escalates to the point that it did with my ex. For me, that was several more years, and I suspect it will be the same for him. But that no longer gives me the sense of guilt and terror that it once did. I'm not pleased he'll go through that, but I can detach emotionally and accept that he needs to help himself without my involvement.
I'm done trying to fix the world. It's a very weird feeling and part of me is terrified I will swing the other way and become the narc if I'm so focused on myself. I also have massive trust issues still. So I'll likely be in therapy for the rest of my life in some form.
But I just wanted to leave this here for anyone going through the same thing, who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. You can change the way you interact with yourself and others. It takes a lot of work (and, I'd suggest, a lot of neccessary pain). But it is possible.
Twins response
Submitted by Deb on January 8, 2021 - 10:53am
Sudoku, thank you for your open response of what you have gone through in seeing yourself in another codependent and becoming attached. I have a notification turned on to receive comments on this post because I need the reminders. Being a codependent I relate to much of what you shared with triangulation, trauma bonding etc. 'She was just with him for an easy ride, is something you said that triggered a deep, visceral, gut response from me regarding my own narcissistic situation and I thank you for that. In my recovery I am beginning to very much listen to my gut and it tells me that is the case with the partner I chose.
I am also learning with a trauma psychologist to set boundaries. I wanted to share that what I am learning about trust is that I need to learn to trust myself. Rebuilding my inner confidence after 6 years of a narcissistic female boss, narcissistic partner, and a lifetime of narcissistic parents has been and still is a long journey with lots of work. I question my sanity, other's intentions, motivations, truths. I got lucky 4 years ago and got a new work leader who is just normal. His leadership helped me rebuild my work confidence. And now that I have I work on my personal life. I made my narc move out in August 2020. And have been rebuilding me. We have financial ties so I am not no contact, however with help from counseling he doesn't have the same hold on me. I feel disconnected from it most the time and like it has just gotten old and I have moved on. If you're interested there is a book called Medicine Woman by Lynn V. Andrews. I am about to read it for the second time. It is about letting these narcs in, or more aptly keeping them out. I read 5 years ago when I had the bad boss. I need to read again because I let one in while she was abusing me in spite of kicking her out. I know I feel afraid of meeting anyone, a friend, employer, or partner because I seem to gravitate towards narcs. That is why I mentioned working to trust myself. If I trust me and listen to my gut, and stop painting my red flags green, then I will make choices that exclude toxic people. Saying no has been hard, especially with my parents. My fear of being abandoned, again, by them is high... however I finally have gotten to the point that their brand of love and the threat of abandonment is not worth the damage it does to my spirit. I am willing to let go of the relationship and once i came to this point their control over me changed. Anyway, I responded to say thank you for your story, it helps me. And to share some healing, recovery thoughts. I wish you well on your healing journey. Keep saying no to others and yes to you. Love and light.
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