The Startling Rate of Burnout in Parents of Spirited Kids

Parental burnout is more than just the usual intense fatigue that comes with being a parent. It refers to a chronic state of energy depletion where demands consistently outstrip parents’ resources (Mikolajczak & Roskam, 2018).

Not only can burnout sap the joy right out of parenting, but because the demands don’t let up or go away, it can worsen over time, resulting in harsher, more inconsistent parenting strategies. Parents may emotionally withdraw from their children or start parenting on "auto-pilot" as a form of self-protection. In extreme situations, it leads to substance use (self-medicating), depression, or “escape ideation” (running away, suicidal thoughts; Paula et al., 2021).

In the U.S., the prevalence of parental burnout is estimated to be about 9 percent (Roskam et al., 2021).

Anything that increases chronic stress for parents can make them more prone to burnout: being a single parent or having a deployed partner, being a member of a marginalized group, being a working parent, having financial stressors, etc. The more sources of stress, the greater the risk of burnout.

Burnout rates are also significantly higher in parents of children with chronic medical conditions (20 to 77 percent; Patty et al., 2024) or diagnoses like autism and ADHD (Kütük et al., 2021).

We don't know much about burnout in parents of children with a “difficult” temperament (intense, reactive, sensitive, active, persistent). These children tend to be more physically active, more prone to high levels of emotionality, have much more sleep difficulty, and require significantly more help and input from parents nearly around the clock. Since temperament is a “chronic condition” that increases stress on parents, I was curious if the rates of burnout would be similar to those seen in parents of children with complex health issues.

I decided to poll parents in two very large Facebook groups dedicated to fussy, spirited, sensitive children with the five questions from the Brief Parental Burnout Scale (Aunola et al., 2022). I received 294 responses from parents of infants up to early school-age children. I expected the rate to be high, but I have to admit I was fairly shocked at the numbers.

The results revealed that more than 75 percent of these parents scored as being in burnout (versus 9 percent in the general U.S. parent population). Almost 40 percent of these were in the “extreme” range.

Why are parents of these children particularly vulnerable to burnout?

1. The reality of parenting alert/sensitive/intense children. Children who are active and alert and social and intense require more from their parents all day long, and if overnight sleep is also difficult and disrupted, parents are sleep-deprived on top of the daytime stressors. Parents report having no time for even a full sleep cycle.

2. Social pressure and comparison. Research has found that a discrepancy between who parents think they “should” be (based on societal pressure) and who they feel that they are predicts levels of burnout (Roskam et al., 2024). Parents of spirited/intense children consistently see a deficit because their children rarely act like other children. Their experience as parents is consistently different. They may feel stigmatized and isolated.

3. Lower levels of parental self-confidence. A sense of parenting competence has been shown to buffer parents against burnout (Lin et al., 2021). For parents of intense/sensitive children, it’s hard to feel effective or successful when the strategies that are supposed to work “easily” just don’t: “What am I doing wrong? Why am I the only one struggling like this? Am I just a terrible parent?” In 2019, a large-scale survey about temperament found that parents of alert/intense children rated themselves significantly lower on their own competence than parents of easygoing children (Gordon, 2019).

What can parents do?

It’s impossible to change the reality of parenting a more intense/sensitive child, but there may be small things parents can do to help prevent burnout.

1. Lower the bar. Parents should try to avoid the urge to compare. Research has shown that comparison (especially on social media) results in higher levels of depressive symptoms (Sidani et al., 2020). Parents may have to let some expectations go for both themselves and their child, knowing that they are on a different parenting path with a slightly different destination.

2. Shift perspective. Look for the “upsides” to challenging behaviors. A child who’s incredibly persistent and knows what they want will do well in life. A child who’s deeply sensitive is creative and empathic. A child who melts down from too much stimulation is also sensitive and deeply feeling. This may not be easy to do every time, but a negative lens erodes both stamina and patience and increases hopelessness. Paying attention to the silver linings of challenging behaviors can help with coping.

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3. Try some self-compassion. Parents of intense children are often in a hole of thinking they're terrible parents. Self-compassion is a simple action that has massive, documented benefits. Taking just a moment to talk to oneself the way a friend would sounds like it wouldn’t do anything, but it absolutely does (Stentz & Breitmeyer, 2023). Parents can try telling themselves, "You love your kids, and that matters.” Or just a gentle, “There, there.” It’s a small action that can make a big difference.

4. Take mini-breaks. When parents are so tired that they can barely function, it may seem pointless to take a “mini-break.” However, small breaks add up. Refilling one’s energy tank, even a little, is truly better than running on fumes. Parents should take any break they can get.

5. Get support. Mental health support, housework support, childcare support, emotional support: Get some. Social support is a known preventive strategy for depression, burnout, and a host of other negative outcomes. Make it a priority.

6. Send up a flare. If you are concerned that you are experiencing worrying levels of burnout that are impacting you or your child, get help immediately. You can call or text the National Parent Helpline (855) 427-2736 24 hours a day for free, immediate emotional support from a trained counselor who can connect you to resources in your area.

Burnout has actual, tangible costs for both parents and children. It is not something to merely be suffered through. If parents worry that they might be in or near burnout, it’s important to do whatever it takes to get energy outflow and replenishment a little closer to balance.

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