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Key points
- A habit of criticism can be dangerous in any relationship.
- Constructive criticism, which focuses on actions rather than character judgments, may be a better approach.
- It is important to avoid below-the-belt tactics when we are angry about not being heard.
The habit of criticism is a threat to any couple relationship. Dial it down. When you do criticize your partner, which of course you will, avoid below-the-belt tactics.
A greeting card asks, “If a man is alone in the forest with no woman to criticize him, is he still a schmuck?” Men typically find the card funnier than women do. “That’s my experience exactly!” is a common male response. “I can’t do anything right. I’m tired of being the target of her nagging and complaining.”
It’s no surprise that women have a different response. “If those poor guys are so bothered by criticism, why don’t they pay attention to it?"
It’s easy to appreciate both perspectives. It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of criticism. It is just as terrible to be in the role of the “nagging” partner whose legitimate requests are being ignored. When we’re feeling angry, it’s hard to take positive steps to change our part in the pattern because it seems so clear that our partner is the one who should change.
It’s common for couples to reach an impasse where each person sees the other as the problem and believes that the only “solution” is for their partner to change. He thinks that she has to stop criticizing him and start appreciating all the things that he does for the family. She thinks he has to pay more attention to the needs of the kids and house without her constant reminders.
Although the pattern still tends to break down along these gendered lines (distant husband/nagging wife), it doesn’t always. And same-sex couples are not immune to this marital dance, either.
You’re lucky if you have a partner who feels so solid, calm, and good about himself that they can let your criticism and negativity slide by them much of the time, and consider the good points you are making without distancing or shutting down. But once couples move past the honeymoon or “Velcro” stage of the relationship, such Zen-like forbearance is a rare commodity. Many fine people can’t tolerate much criticism or instruction from their partner, even if they truly appreciated it at the early stages of the relationship when they felt valued and chosen.
When you are going to criticize your partner, take care to criticize above the belt. When we’re angry about not being heard, we may automatically resort to any number of below‐the‐belt tactics.
We leap from the facts (“You said you’d clean up the kitchen and I need you to do it”) to a damning generalization (“When you say you’ll do something, I can never count on you to follow through”). Perhaps we throw in a label (“I can’t believe how insensitive you are”) along with a diagnosis (“You have a narcissistic personality”) and bring in another party or two to bolster our case (“My therapist thinks that you’re passive-aggressive and my sister agrees”). While we’re at it, we may slip in an interpretation along the way (“You may think I’m your mother, but I’m not here to serve you like she did”) and remind him that he needs therapy. And we serve all of this up in a condescending, mocking, preaching, and blaming tone. Wonder of wonders that our partner doesn’t seem to appreciate our feedback.
Constructive criticism, by contrast, asks for a specific behavioral adjustment that honors your partner’s capacity to change. It focuses on actions, not character judgments. A light tone is especially important if your partner responds poorly to anger or intensity in your voice. People can say very difficult things if they calmly present the facts with no edge in their voice.
A constructive complaint looks like this: You calmly ask them not to leave their things flung around the house, not because they're a big slob (although that may be so) but because neatness is important to you. You “own” the problem (“I’m just not comfortable when you leave your briefcase and coat on the living room couch”) and appreciate that there are other women in the world who would be happy living with someone who didn’t pick up after themself. You mention the attacks you made earlier, at a time of frustration, and you apologize for them.
At a relaxed time, you invite a conversation (“Can we make a rule about where briefcases and coats are kept?”) and figure out how to compromise on your different styles. You appreciate that change occurs slowly, in fits and starts, so you praise your partner for moves in the right direction. After all, you couldn’t transform yourself into a person comfortable with clutter overnight. You might even conclude that it would be simpler to sweep through the house twice a day and dump all their belongings on their big armchair until they decide what to do with them, if anything.
If you take away just one thing from my advice let it be this: No one can survive a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired.
