Maybe You're Not an Introvert. Maybe It's a Trauma Response.

Here’s what we’ve been told about introversion: Introversion and extraversion are hardwired. They’re one of the OCEAN—five factors: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism—that we’re more or less born with and then refine throughout our lives. Do you find social situations an enlivening opportunity to meet new friends and expand your horizons? Then you’re likely an extravert and have been since birth. Do you find social situations draining, full of opportunities for social judgment, and not a lot of the alone time you crave? Then you’re an introvert, and you came that way out of the box.

But this understanding of temperament and personality doesn’t make much room for our trauma history. We know that children are born hardwired with certain temperament traits, and those traits are fairly stable in their lifetime. But we also know temperament is only one factor that leads to adult personality. It’s temperament + life experience that equal personality.

A child can be born with a cautious/slow to warm temperament, experience supportive parenting, and grow up to become a person more inclined to introversion than extraversion, but also a person with good social skills, adaptive thoughts about social judgment, and a fulfilling social life. They might even think of themselves as an extravert, or perhaps an ambivert because the social world holds no terrors.

The Temperament/Environment Interaction

Maybe your introversion is really a trauma response. Kids who are living with ACEs don't have the psychological resources to also learn the "hidden curriculum" of social skills.

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Imagine that same child in what Marsha Linehan, creator of dialectical behavior theory, would call an invalidating environment, what temperament researchers would call a “poor fit” for her temperament. In that situation, the child is cautious/slow to warm and is shamed, blamed, or mocked for it. Her parents don’t mediate the world for her. They don’t talk her through discomfort, help her learn social skills, or scaffold her through social dilemmas. Sometimes, they’re downright mean about it. That child is going to perceive the social world as threatening. She may grow up and see herself as an "introvert," when really she’s more pathologically and globally afraid of social judgment.

Even a child born with a more extraverted temperament, who normally would love the social world, can be taught via bullying that the social world is a dangerous place, where people are waiting to mock you or physically harm you.

Research has found that adults with social anxiety disorder are more likely to have experienced adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). It isn’t only that a child who is bullied might develop social anxiety—that linear connection is obvious. It’s also that a child who is experiencing ACEs, such as living in poverty, the death of a parent, abuse, or neglect, doesn’t experience the same social world as other kids do.

Temperament, ACEs, and the Hidden Curriculum

After all, in school, we learn all sorts of skills—math, science, social studies—and we also learn a hidden curriculum, the science of interacting with other humans.

We learn this hidden curriculum at lunchtime, on the playground, and while whispering secrets to our best friend in class. We learn this hidden curriculum when we approach another kid and say “Can I play too?” or invite someone to sit with us at lunch.

When a child is experiencing a normal, adaptive childhood, with good-enough parenting, they have the wherewithal to experiment on the playground and learn the hidden curriculum alongside the standard one. They have enough psychological resources in their bank account to risk rejection, to try something new, and to handle conflict.

We know that social rejection activates the same pain receptors in our brain as physical pain. When Sarah approaches three classmates on the playground and asks, "Can I play too?" one of two things may happen. Either they’ll say “Sure!” and a good time will be had by all. Or, they’ll say no. Maybe they’ll even wrinkle their noses and laugh at her.

If Sarah has enough psychological resources in her mental bank account, this is worth the risk. They may say no—and that will activate pain receptors in her brain—but it’s OK. She has other friends. She has supportive teachers and parents. It will hurt for a moment, but then she gets to go home, talk it through with her parents, and get some support. She’s not spending her last psychological dime on this encounter.

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But if Sarah has a psychological bank account that’s in the red, if she already depleted all her psychological resources just getting through her morning, dealing with the adversity in her little life, with no hope of support when she comes home, she’s not going to risk that “no.” She doesn’t have the resources to waste. Sure, they might say yes, and that might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. But the “no” is way more risky.

Sarah grows up and believes she’s an introvert. But maybe she isn’t. Maybe she’s an ambivert—or even an extravert—who never risked learning the hidden curriculum. After all, if you read at recess, it might be somewhat boring, but the book isn’t going to reject you. If you spend recess just watching the other kids, you might be considered shy, but at least you’re not being actively rejected, and active rejection may be too risky for an already stressed psyche.

Before you’re so sure that you’re an introvert, that you’re shy, or you’re just not socially skilled, ask yourself what you were doing while the other kids were learning the hidden curriculum. If you were too busy living an overstressed, chaotic, or adverse life, with little or no parental support, then it’s worth rethinking your understanding of your own personality. (For resources on how to grieve a traumatic childhood, click here.)

If you don’t have the best social skills, if parties feel overwhelming and “too people-y,” if you often feel socially awkward, and were never taught the hidden curriculum, it’s OK to decide to learn it in adulthood. There are so many resources out there—people who can teach body language cues, conversation starters, and the etiquette of exiting an awkward conversation—and these are learnable skills.

If you didn’t learn it in childhood—that’s OK. Even if you’re pretty sure introversion is part of your personality— personality is not a prison. It’s just a starting point.