Sex
The Dark Side of Chemsex
There is much despair behind these seemingly fun sexual adventures.
Posted June 28, 2021 Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Key points
- Chemsex is attractive because it gives an illusion to resolve the common emotional and relational pain gay men live with.
- There are multiple negative effects to Chemsex, including death.
- There is a high risk of sexual trauma during Chemsex.
- The antidote to Chemsex is what we call unconditional love.
Chemsex is a term coined by activist David Stuart describing gay men and men who have sex with men (MSM) having sex under the influence of psychoactive drugs. The Chemsex drugs facilitate sexual activities lasting several hours, sometimes entire days, usually involving multiple sexual partners.
You may think of Chemsex parties as a place of total "chill out" and never-ending sexual fun, but the gay men in my consulting room tell me much darker stories. Sadly, they come to me after they had a traumatizing event at one of those parties, and many brushed with death:
"A friend of mine just died in a Chemsex party. He was only 30. I don’t want this to happen to me."
"I passed out, woke up in a stranger’s bedroom floor, almost choking on my vomit. Nobody noticed."
"I can’t remember whom I had sex with. I’m not even sure if some people had sex with me when I was passed out."
"I’m afraid of going to a sexual health clinic because I don’t want to hear I might have contracted HIV."
"I had to rush to A&E because I bled a lot. I don't know what I did but I know I damaged the inside of my anus."
The statistics are worrying: Chemsex behaviours are so prevalent amongst gay men that clinicians call it an epidemic. It is a problem that is observed in all major cities in the UK and worldwide.
What makes Chemsex so popular?
The answer is complex. Here in the UK, despite the legal rights that the LGBTQ+ communities now have, homophobia persists, mostly covertly. Being born a gay boy can easily feel like being different from other boys at a very young age. We tend to make sense of it with phrases like: "there is something wrong with me," "I am wrong," and "I am unlovable," which then become core beliefs as we grow up. As an adult, we may not be conscious of these core beliefs. We may think: "I'm out, I'm proud, all is good," but deep down into the caverns of the subconscious, the belief "I am wrong" festers and pulls the emotional strings of our longing for love and acceptance, and our behaviours trying to meet those primordial needs.
I often hear gay men say:
"Gay men only want sex."
"It’s hard to find a partner because nobody wants a relationship."
"Gay men are not interested in love."
"All gay men cheat."
When I hear those comments, what I really hear is the subconscious core belief of defectiveness that gets in a way of self-love and meaningful relationships. Avoiding intimacy protects us from the fear of looking within and facing those core beliefs which are scary and painful.
This is where Chemsex comes in handy. The typical drugs taken are crystal meth bringing euphoria and sexual arousal, and GHB or GBL which are powerful disinhibitors. The combination is remarkable: All the shame and anxiety about ourselves melts away into a euphoric sexual world. Gay men who take Chemsex drugs report:
"It’s the only time when I feel a sense of real connection with others."
"I don’t have to worry about my body. I am guaranteed to be accepted."
"The high is amazing. The sex is amazing."
"It’s the only time when I don’t give a damn about all the worries in the world."
"Chemsex makes me feel sexually free. This sense of freedom, of letting everything go is so powerful."
"There are no closets in Chemsex parties. I can be who I really am. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else."
Chemsex is an epidemic because during that period of "being high" it gives the illusion to heal the chronic pain of being gay in a heterosexual world, and it feels so good.
The costs of Chemsex
There are multiple high costs to pay for this temporary relief.
- A financial cost: Although the Chemsex drugs are worryingly cheap and easy to access, some neglect to pay their bills so they can do Chemsex. Some pay for expensive sex workers to do Chemsex with. It is a fast track into financial debts and despair.
- A physiological cost: Chemsex drugs are very hard on the body and the brain. It takes a long time to recover. People report struggling with the "come down" for several days after a weekend Chemsex binge. Many gay men report forgetting to drink water and eat food for the entire Chemsex weekend.
- A sexual health cost: The illusion of connectedness encourages unprotected sex: It can be a true abandon of all the rules that the heterosexual world imposed on gay men, including "you must use a condom." There is a high risk of contracting HIV (if not on PrEP) and HepC as well as a myriad of other sexually transmitted infections.
- A sexual trauma cost: Clear sexual consent can be blurred, which is a serious concern because men can be sexually assaulted and traumatized and they are not likely to seek help because of the shame associated with Chemsex.
- A psychological cost: Once the illusion has worn off, the core belief "I am wrong" comes back with a vengeance, adding an extra layer of shame and self-punishing thoughts: "You are wrong. You had sex with many strangers in a random guy’s flat. You didn’t even fancy most of them. Meanwhile, your fridge is empty, you didn’t get to do your laundry, and now you can’t focus at work. What a stupid man you are. Straight people don’t do that." This is a terrible narrative that is very common on a "come down."
- The downward spiral: Some people go into such despair with these negative thoughts that they want more drugs to get away from their psychological pain, and the cycle of Chemsex starts again. Over time, gay men distance themselves from the friends who don’t take drugs and the only contacts with gay people are those who engage in Chemsex, which reinforces the core belief: "All gays are the same."
The gay scene is populated by gay men who don’t know how to love themselves. As a gay person, it is so easy to grow up to hate ourselves because of families who don’t understand us, religion, or our current society saturated with overt and covert homophobia maintaining the core belief: "I'm wrong," “I’m unlovable." When someone doesn’t love themselves, it is tempting to find love and connection from drugs.
The chronic vigilance of scanning for homophobic threats is the unavoidable stress of the LGBTQ+ communities living in a heteronormative world. That chronic stress plants the seed of shame which flourishes into Chemsex behaviours. The heart of the Chemsex epidemic is not the gay men who desperately try to find their way through love; it is our society’s homophobia.
The antidote to Chemsex
What is the antidote to Chemsex? Put simply, it is unconditional positive regards, a person-centred psychotherapy term that translates into the popular language as unconditional love.
In my consulting room, I help gay men learn to face their emotions and love themselves. I help them find their own ways of embracing their vulnerability safely and connect with others in a meaningful and sober state. Being free from the chains of negative core beliefs holding gay men back is not easy but it is possible in therapy. The key for gay men to feel better in their own skin and having great connected sex with other men lie within. I believe our gay communities can do more to help. We should be kinder to each other, more accepting. There is free Chemsex support that can be helpful alongside therapy. Check out 56 Dean Street Clinic and David Stuart's website.
My hope for our gay communities is that we can learn new ways of celebrating gender, sex, and relationship diversities, build communities where we foster self-love, self-care, and total acceptance for each other, and create pockets of safe rainbow bubbles across the heteronormative world. Then, perhaps, Chemsex won't be so attractive.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
