What’s Self-Love Got to Do With It?

An oft-quoted saying goes something like this: “you cannot truly love someone until you love yourself.” The self-help world has embraced this idea, but does it hold up when examining empirical research? Is self-love really a prerequisite for loving others? Or might it actually be a hindrance to the kind of altruistic, transcendent love, so many of us crave?

Love and Narcissism

Psychologists have tested the role of self-love in relationships by looking at the link between narcissism (extreme-self love) and love for others. Can people who see themselves as most worthy of admiration channel positive attention towards others?

Researchers Ha et al. (2018) expected the opposite to be true. They hypothesized that high self-love would lead to weaker love for others. Instead, they found no relationship between narcissistic self-love and romantic love.

Researchers Campbell et al. (2002) found no evidence that narcissistic self-love improves relationship quality in a similar study. However, they did find that narcissism goes hand-in-hand with what’s known as “ludus love” – an approach to romance that involves flirting, game playing, and using distance to maintain power. That said, this type of love is almost definitely not the sort implied by the assertion that we have to love ourselves to love others.

In short, narcissistic self-love seems to have little or no impact on love for others and may even get in the way of deep, companionate love. Though narcissism can appear to look like self-love on the outside, it is often fraught with stress, defensiveness, and high vulnerability to criticism on the inside.

Love and Self-Esteem

Campbell et al. (2002) looked to self-esteem to see whether this positive self-regard could benefit our relationships. But no apparent relationship emerged. High self-esteem doesn’t seem to be related to deeper or more fulfilling feelings of love for others.

The researchers found that high self-esteem might serve a different function in relationships. Its purpose may be to serve as a buffer, reducing our likelihood of experiencing manic, obsessive love. Perhaps self-esteem doesn’t help us love others, but it does prevent us from losing ourselves in the process of falling in love.

Love and Self-Compassion

So, what’s the deal? Do these findings debunk the belief that we cannot love others until we love ourselves? Not necessarily. Another more recent approach to defining self-love comes in the form of “self-compassion.”

Psychologist Kristin Neff breaks self-compassion into these components:

• Self-kindness: refraining from criticizing ourselves.
• Common humanity: the recognition that being imperfect and flawed is human.
• Mindfulness: being aware of our negative self-talk to soothe it away.

In short, self-compassion is an unconditional acceptance and grace toward ourselves, offered in the same way we demonstrate compassion toward others.

Krieger and team (2013) have found that people with low self-compassion are more likely to avoid their problems, have more negative thoughts and feelings, and experience worse overall well-being. And various researchers, such as Neff and Beretvas (2013), have found that self-compassion is linked with healthier and more positive romantic relationships.

So, is the old saying true? Yes and no. It seems we can and do love others even without self-love. But turning our feelings of love – particularly self-compassion – inward enables us to have healthier and more fulfilling relationships with others.

Your Level of Self-Compassion

To get a quick sense of your degree of self-compassion, take this abridged Self-Compassion Scale, based on the assessment developed by Neff (2003). Answer each question on a scale of 1-5, with 1 meaning “almost never” and 5 meaning “almost always.”

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1. I’m disapproving and judgmental about my flaws and inadequacies.
2. When I’m feeling down, I tend to obsess and fixate on everything wrong.
3. When I think about my inadequacies, it tends to make me feel more separate and cut off from the rest of the world.
4. When something upsets me, I get carried away with my feelings.
5. When things are going badly for me, I see the difficulties as part of life that everyone goes through.
6. I try to be loving towards myself when I’m feeling emotional pain.
7. When I’m going through a very hard time, I give myself the caring and tenderness I need.
8. When I'm feeling down, I try to approach my feelings with curiosity and openness.

If you scored low on items 1 - 4 and high on items 5 - 8, your self-compassion skills are likely well-developed. If you scored high on items 1 - 4 and low on items 5 - 8, it’s time to bulk up your self-compassion muscles.

Three Tips to Increase Self-Compassion

While our degree of self-compassion is highly impacted by our upbringing and early life experiences, it is a skill that we can strengthen. Here are three research-backed techniques for harnessing the benefits of self-compassion for yourself and others:

1) Transfer your compassion.
Many people have well-honed compassion skills for others but struggle to apply those thoughts and actions to themselves. If you identify with this tendency, this “transfer trick” can work well for you.

Imagine someone (a person or animal) for whom you feel deep care and compassion. Picture them close to you. Fill yourself with love for them, and notice where you feel it in your body. Once you can sense it clearly, expand that circle of compassion to include yourself. Especially when you notice yourself being harsh with yourself, pause, find that feeling, and transfer it to yourself.

Another way to transfer your compassion is to find a childhood photo of yourself. Hold the image in your hands and look at it closely, paying attention to your eyes in the photo. Describe this child and their hopes and fears, and quirks. Then imagine saying the mean things you say to your adult self to this child. If you notice protective, compassionate feelings arise, take note of them.

Next time you are mean to yourself, remember that that little kid in the photo is still in you, looking out at the world through your eyes. Consider how the “adult you” can show love toward this little person rather than making them feel worse.

2) Name your critic.
Another great technique for developing self-compassion is recognizing the harsh, critical, or otherwise abusive voice we hold in our heads. This is a voice many of us have developed to push ourselves toward doing better. It might even work occasionally, but it usually does more damage than good. Sometimes it’s the internalized voice of a parent, a teacher, societal pressure, or a combination of various punishing forces in our lives.

Try to spot this voice in action, noticing how it sounds, what it says, and even how it changes your posture and movements. Instead of thinking of this voice as you, create a bit of distance from it by giving it a name. Call it Critical Carl, Judging Judy, or whatever nickname feels right to you and defuses some of its power.

Then, when you notice the voice speaking up, acknowledge it and politely send it away. For example: “Oh, hey, Carl. I hear you. Thanks for looking out for me. But I’ll take it from here.” Strange as it may sound, this technique is highly effective at helping us interrupt harmful thoughts and can even inspire a chuckle when we need it most.

3) Spot your need.
One more simple yet powerful way to turn moments of self-abuse into self-compassion is to learn to ask ourselves: “What do I need right now?” When someone we love is in pain, most of us try to figure out how to make them feel better. In the same way, this technique helps us focus our energy on uncovering what we want rather than what we don’t want.

For example, if you feel ashamed or guilty, your underlying need might be acceptance. This realization can prompt you to talk to someone you can trust. Or, if you’re feeling frustrated with yourself, an underlying need might be a sense of progress. This insight can inspire you to create a plan of action rather than dwelling on the problem. It all starts with asking, “What do I need?”

To summarize: The popular expression “you cannot truly love someone until you love yourself” isn’t quite true. Many of us bypass the skill of self-love and tumble straight into loving others. And narcissistic self-love can even block intimate love.

That said, there is also wisdom in this aphorism. Developing our self-compassion can lead to deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others. What’s more, self-compassion is a worthwhile pursuit in and of itself. After all, the longest relationship you’ll ever have is the one you’re in with yourself.