The Narcissist-Survivors' Nightclub

We all know about food/drink/entertainment establishments tailored toward customers with certain shared interests and characteristics. Sports bars, for instance. And Tokyo's maid cafés.

What if we could visit a Narcissist-Survivors' Nightclub whose staff, patrons and entertainers have all suffered at the whims of the pathologically self-involved? It's not a silly notion. It's as deadly serious as the damage such relationships can do.

We who interact under the pastel lights of this cathartic place need never speak shamefacedly as we must in the outside world where we are told to grow up and get over it when we say our parents or partners never listened to a word we said.

Let's say I am a standup comic at the Narcissist-Survivors' Nightclub. Watch me stroll onstage, pick up the microphone and say:

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen! Some standup comics start by asking: How are you tonight?! while gazing toward you yet not really at you, because they are thinking only of themselves, not you. Who else besides standup comics does that?"

In unison, the audience roars: "Narcissists!"

"That's right," I say. "Now who is it that asks you how you are, then interrupts your answer?"

"Narcissists!"

"Who demands favors, which you do, then never thanks you?"

"Narcissists!"

"Who talks in endless monologues, 'borrows' stuff they never return, then says you're rude?"

The audience explodes in laughter: "Narcissists!"

"Correct, ladies and gentlemen! Now have you heard—get this!—about the narcissist who dozes off in synagogue only to wake up as the Rabbi says, 'O holy sovereign of the universe!' to which the narcissist blurts, blinking: Yes?"

The audience laughs heartily.

"Okay, ladies and gentlemen: question-and-answer time. Let's say you tell a narcissist that you're depressed, anxious, and hate yourself. What does the narcissist say in reply?"

"That's. Not. MY. Fault," hollers the crowd.

Source: Anneli Rufus

"You're good at this, ladies and gentlemen," I croon. "Almost too good. Let's try another one: You tell your narcissistic parent that you've been crowned Miss America. What does your narcissistic parent say?"

Most of the audience shouts: "But your sister is Miss Universe!" Although some voices can be heard shouting "But your sister is Sheryl Sandberg!" and "But your sister is Taylor Swift!"

"Hey, folks, I had a birthday recently. Oh, you did too? And you? So how do we feel when narcissists give us gifts?"

"That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Let's all say it together: Guilty. Why? Because they keep saying our present cost a fortune or was very hard to get. Because they tend to give us things they want, not things we want. And because we'll never thank them as much as they want to be thanked."

Enthusiastic murmurs mix with wild applause.

"OK, ladies and gentlemen: true-story time. A certain narcissist I know never provided her children with breakfast, lunch or dinner because she was busy stalking married men. The kids scrounged meals from neighbors. Decades later, the narcissist has never apologized. What's printed on the coffee mugs she buys herself?"

"World's Best Mom!" shouts the audience without skipping a beat.

"Ladies and gentlemen! How did you guess?"

Guffaws erupt throughout the club.

"Same narcissist, next joke: If you asked Stalker Mother whether she remembers never feeding her kids, what would she say?"

Audience: "No! That's a lie!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, you make my job too easy. Thanks, and have a lovely night!"