Opening Ourselves to Ourselves

We often find ourselves wishing we could avoid life's tougher emotions—those feelings we'd rather dismiss or escape entirely. Yet research into emotional well-being and spiritual intelligence reveals something remarkable: When we stop resisting and instead embrace openness toward our experiences, we unlock powerful clarity, resilience, and growth. Life can flow naturally in and through us.

Openness isn't just an aspirational quality, something you might put on a job description. It's an essential life skill that transforms anxiety and frustration into actionable insight and strength. And, if you’re open to it, I’d like to show how.

WHEN WE STOP FIGHTING OUR FEELINGS: THE CASE OF DHARVESH

In my session with Dharvesh, a CEO and cofounder of a promising startup, his flushed face and troubled eyes immediately signaled distress. One of his former partners had begun spreading negative rumors about the company. He was in a state of pure agitation; anger and anxiety that threatened to overwhelm him.

When I asked how Dharvesh felt about these emotions, he looked at me in disbelief, "I want to get rid of them, thank you."

Simple enough, no? So, I invited him to try.

Dharvesh focused for a moment, concentrating on ridding himself of his disturbing emotions. After a few seconds, he told me the feelings had only intensified for him, exacerbated by a new sense of resistance. He seemed even more impatient than before.

I then invited him to consider this resistance with curiosity and interest. “What might it be trying to do?” I asked.

“It’s trying to keep me from feeling bad,” he snapped back at me.

“And how does resisting feel?” I asked, undeterred. He admitted, “It feels…exhausting.”

It was only after he acknowledged this truth that Dharvesh could drop the strain of resisting his emotions. Finally, we were able to explore his anxiety, helping him open himself up to it. His concerns were fairly rational: He was worried the investor might make future funding difficult. With clarity on preventing such an outcome, he was able to step into solution mode.

Next, we tackled Dharvesh’s anger: his insistence that the investor’s actions “weren’t fair.” I validated for him that his anger was a healthy reaction to his situation, and we discussed how anger can feel physically—the fire in our belly that pushes us to set boundaries when something dear is threatened and to fight back. Viewing it from this angle, he was able to realize his body was simply cueing him to take action and defend his company.

When Dharvesh stopped resisting and fully opened to his emotions, both anxiety and anger revealed themselves to be valuable guides. Rather than feeling overwhelmed, he found clarity and a renewed sense of freedom.

Our ability to respond wisely to any situation hinges on how open we are to reality, to the truth—both within ourselves and in the world around us. As contemporary spiritual teacher Adyashanti put it, “When we are completely open—even if it is difficult—we stop fighting against life, stop moving against whatever situation we find ourselves in, and there is a possibility for discovery. This is where a great movement of grace can occur.”

Paradoxically, the path to truth starts with acknowledging our resistance, as our resistance itself is part of the truth. When we fight against that resistance, we only further tighten the knot. As neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor explains, when we fully allow ourselves to feel an emotion, its intensity usually peaks and fades within about 90 seconds, [i] allowing us to step back into our natural flow afterwards (unless, of course, we reactivate it through looping thought patterns).

Had Dharvesh not stopped to consciously explore his emotions, he might have followed his impulses instead, potentially making the situation worse. Opening with curiosity enabled him to discern the truth and respond effectively.

OPENNESS AS A STRENGTH—WHAT THE RESEARCH REVEALS

In my research on spiritual intelligence, nearly everyone I spoke with stressed the vital role of openness—to reality, to life, to oneself, and to others.

Openness Essential Reads

Diverse Social Identities Can Protect Against Misinformation

Dealing With Disagreements — Politically and Beyond

Their reflections included:[ii]

• “I practice opening to life itself, to whatever circumstances, person, or situation is in front of me. And with that greater openness to life, every moment and every experience becomes richer, more creative, and full of possibilities for discovery.”
• “I am actively cultivating feedback from my community on what I can do better as their leader. It sets an example, a tone, and a culture for mutual feedback. It breeds trust and fosters an open atmosphere for interpersonal learning and growth.”
• “I welcome everything that comes, instead of worrying about what I might think could be a threat. After all, how could reality or truth be a threat?”

Our research found that openness significantly contributes to spiritual intelligence and the effectiveness of inspired leadership.[iii]

YOUR TURN: OPEN YOUR MIND TO OPENNESS

Find a seat in a quiet space. Without altering your posture, notice your experience. Settle into your being, as you are, moving towards what’s comfortable for you.

What are you aware of right now? What do you notice about your bodily experience? Are you judging or resisting it, or welcoming it with curiosity?

Now, welcome any resistance as well. Express your feelings toward the emotion you're trying to avoid (e.g., "I want you to go away"). Notice what shifts as you acknowledge this honestly. Does anything loosen in your body? Do new feelings or images emerge?

If the emotion lingers, gently give it permission to be here. Get curious. You might say, “Hello, sadness. I’d like to understand you. What do you want me to know?” Allow the emotion to stay as long as it needs to. What happens when you offer it space and attention?

And when joy, peace, or contentment arises, notice how you respond. Can you fully receive it, or is there a part of you that pulls away, perhaps believing it’s indulgent or undeserved? How long can you stay open to it, be it joy, peace, or love?

Keep opening to and tracking your inner experience. You may begin to notice that openness invites more ease, wonder, and presence, even as the ego tries to tighten its grip through judgment or control.

This simple practice of staying open, curious, and present to life as it flows through you can quietly yet irreversibly transform the way you relate to yourself and the world around you—revealing a rich kaleidoscope of life unfolding within and all around you. After all, this moment is life. Are you open to it?