Feeling Angry? You Might Be Missing Time To Yourself

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For some people, solitude is not a luxury—it’s a necessity for a happy and well-balanced life. Recently, the word aloneliness was coined to describe the feeling of wanting more time alone, and feeling dissatisfied and frustrated when you’re prevented from getting it.

If this sounds like you, then solitude probably feels less like a choice and more like a need. Time alone means time to think, sort through emotions, recenter after a stressful day, or do your own thing with no one interrupting you.

In his landmark research on this concept, described as the “mirror image” of loneliness, psychologist Robert J. Coplan noted that people who score high on aloneliness suffer decreases in well-being when they don’t get sufficient time in solitude; specifically, they exhibit higher levels of stress and increases in depressive symptoms.

But a recent study indicates that such negative outcomes go beyond individual effects. It appears there are real interpersonal consequences associated with a lack of me-time.

Researchers Julie Swets and Cathy Cox sought to solve the following conundrum: Given that solitude is a basic psychological need for those who are often alonely, and given that romantic relationships typically require (and thrive on) time spent together, how do alonely people who are partnered reconcile these two competing forces?

Swets and Cox reasoned that anger and aggression might be logical outcomes, since these states occur when other essential psychological needs aren’t met (e.g., feeling respected or accepted). Indeed, they found that in samples of both college students and adults, feelings of anger and aggression were significantly higher for people who felt alonely.

But here’s the rub: these rising anger and aggression scores occurred only for the alonely people who were in romantic relationships, not for the alonely participants who were single.

Why? Likely, the single folks knew they could resolve their problem of aloneliness by carving out some time for solitude (presumably their single status provided more time and space to be alone). In contrast, those in relationships had to give “too much of their prized alone time to their romantic partners,” and this prompted feelings of anger and aggression.

This may seem puzzling. Aren’t relationships the source of a happy life? To a point. Research shows that time in solitude is also important for well-being, and furthermore, indicates that happiness is about getting the right balance of solitude and relationships. And when you feel alonely, it means that ratio is off.

The authors of the study concluded that aloneliness can be an “instigating trigger” for aggression, especially when a person who needs time by themselves to regulate their emotions has been deprived of that time, and therefore feels on edge and depleted. No wonder they get angry. They simply have few resources left to be their best selves.

Aggression, of course, is not the answer, but neither is sacrificing the quality alone time that is so crucial for our emotional well-being. The researchers also pointed out that aloneliness is not the sole factor—or likely even the primary factor - of aggression towards a partner. Other factors include being provoked by your partner, being intoxicated, or scoring high on what are known as “dark” personality traits such as narcissism.

These research findings are valuable because they serve as validation for those of us who relate with being alonely, reminding us (and our partners) that it’s important and beneficial to take the solitude time we need—for our own sake as well as for the health of our relationships.