From Asleep to Alive: Relearning to Live Without Alcohol

My story is similar to most people’s stories—alcohol was my favorite lover until it became an abusive partner. The process of letting alcohol go was hard. I would swear to leave alcohol for good each morning and return to its arms every evening. I felt a lot of shame and guilt for my “weak-mindedness.” I was frustrated and scared, and I thought there was something wrong with me for falling back into the same old trap.

It was only after I learned about how humans learn did I realize that my experience was perfectly normal; there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. If you have been feeling the way I felt in your journey of learning not to drink alcohol, I hope this perspective can help you make sense of your experience.

Four Stages of Learning

When we were born, none of us had any skills. Little by little, we learned to do things like walk, read, and drive.

In the 1970s, Noel Burch, an American film theorist, proposed that to acquire any new skills, we go through four stages before we reach a place of “mastery.” In this process, ups and downs are normal, and trials and errors are inevitable.

After years of drinking alcohol on a regular basis, not drinking it is a new skill. Therefore, it’s nothing but normal for us to go through the same ups and downs as learning any other skills and experiencing a wide range of emotions in the process.

Stage 1: Asleep—“I Don’t Know What I Don’t Know”

Any learning starts with a stage of “I don’t know what I don’t know,” where a person is in a deep sleep without any conscious or unconscious awareness of a need to learn a given new skill.

This is the time when you are perfectly happy with your relationship with alcohol. Subconsciously, you believe alcohol provided you with various benefits; consciously, you may drink as much and as often as you feel like. There is no misalignment in your feelings toward alcohol, and you are blissfully ignorant of the need to learn not to drink.

Stage 2: Aware—“I Know What I Don’t Know”

The second stage is the stage of “I know what I don’t know,” where a person becomes aware of a need to learn a new given skill. Yet they are not fully awake at this stage and therefore are incapable of making the desired change. In this stage, blissful ignorance is replaced by discomfort, frustration, and even agony.

This is the time when you become consciously aware of the harmful effect of drinking too much alcohol. Yet, on a subconscious level, you continue to believe that alcohol provides certain benefits. A misalignment starts to form—part of you thinks, “I needed to consider a change,” yet another part of you wants to hold onto the old “friend” alcohol badly. This is an extremely painful time, as you experience the drag and pull from the opposite desires. On top of that, you may be tortured by the shame and guilt of “I shouldn’t be feeling this way!” when you fail to see that your temporary “lack of progress” is part of the learning process.

Stage 3: Awake—“I Know What I Know”

The third stage is the stage of “I know what I know,” where a person not only fully awakens to the need to learn a new skill but is also capable of practicing the new skill. Here, frustration and agony are slowly replaced by conscious effort and self-discipline.

This is the time when you are able to change your behavior around alcohol, either through moderation or abstinence. Yet, most of the time, you continue to deal with the nagging feelings of missing out or being deprived. In this stage, although you are able to outwardly and consciously change your behavior, inwardly and subconsciously, the old beliefs about alcohol are left entirely or partially untouched. The choice of “not drink” continue to require mental effort and willpower due to the misalignment between conscious desires and conscious desires. You may feel exhausted at times due to the amount of mental energy from maintaining the task of not drinking.

Stage 4: Alive—“I Can Forget What I Know”

The last stage is the stage of “I can forget what I know,” where the new skill has become alive, takes on a life of its own, and requires little to no conscious mental effort on your part. This stage is also what we call “mastery,”

In this stage, not drinking becomes second nature and requires no mental effort most of the time. The old beliefs about alcohol are replaced by a new set of beliefs. On the conscious level, you are not drinking; on the subconscious level, you no longer believe alcohol has much to offer. The misalignments between the subconscious and the conscious are dissolved, and peace is restored. The new skill of not drinking becomes alive and automatic, “drink or not drink” becomes a small and irrelevant question, and freedom is reclaimed.

Alcoholism Essential Reads

Why Findings on Alcohol and Health Are So Confusing

Alcohol Use Is Getting Deadlier in the United States

Sober Curiosity: A Search for Peace and Freedom in a Life Without Alcohol

With this roadmap in mind, I hope you will be able to allow yourself some grace in your journey to learn not to drink alcohol. As is true for learning any skill, learning not to drink can require not only time and effort but also guidance and support. If you are curious about changing your relationship with alcohol, I created this free 30-Day toolkit to help you cut down on drinking.

Remember that support is available if you feel lost in the process. You are not alone, and restoring peace and freedom is more than possible. There, indeed, is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.