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Key points
- When we choose people to be part of our bridal party, because the role may define how much they mean to us.
- Someone dropping out is a difficult and stressful situation.
- Avoid the myth that you are responsible for and have the power to control how someone behaves
Weddings are often one of the most important occasions in many people’s lives because not only are they making a public commitment to cherish, honor, and spend a life with someone, but they are choosing to do so in front of their community and people they cherish, most notably people named in their bridal party.
What happens, however, in the event that a chosen bridal party member drops out, particularly for reasons that seem banal?
Take for instance, the following case:
- This past week, with nine weeks left, [the person I chose to be in my bridal party] no longer wants to be a groomsman because of the suit color chosen. While I would like for him to be in the party, it would look odd for him to stick out in a different suit if I let him get the suit color he wants. I’ve offered to help pay for his suit, so I know the issue isn’t financial. Maybe suit color shouldn’t matter so much to me, and I've considered changing it for him, but I can’t help getting angry at having to and thinking, is it that big of a deal that he can't choose a specific color for me?
It could hurt deeply to have someone who means very much drop out of an important role, in part because the role defines how much the people we’ve chosen mean to us. In this sense, as I’ve written before, we these single them out, apart from all other family and friends, to showcase this closeness in our bridal party. In essence, it is truly a privilege to be asked to be part of a bridal party and, in parallel, to ask someone to be part of your own bridal party.
When someone is asked to be part of a bridal party, and subsequently drops out particularly for reasons that are difficult to justify (financial, emotional, or personal aside), it can certainly feel disappointing or anger-inducing, as it may suggest the closeness you feel towards the person you've invited is not reciprocated and therefore, your relationship is not as special as it seems, or worse - the thinking is internalized and you may think, 'is there something wrong with me that would cause them to drop out?'. Alternatively, you may think, 'if it were really that special of a relationship, then the person I’ve invited to be part of this day would at least try to abide by my wishes'.
If your thinking aligns with the former, try to take the person you've invited who has subsequently dropped out at his or her word, without creating assumptions about the closeness of your relationship. In the example above, this might look like believing that it is just about the suit color.
If it is the latter, the underlying belief is that you are responsible for—and have the power to control—how someone behaves. This is a myth that I've detailed here wherein we believe we are responsible for the feelings of others, which are more important than our own.
While having the experience of someone dropping out of your bridal party is hurtful, this may be a blessing for your future: You have now learned something about a loved one. You can adjust your expectations, let go of feeling responsible for another person's behavior, and see things as they are.
