Let Your Struggle Be for Growth

Sisyphus, by Titian, 1548

Source: Public domain

All of us tend to recycle our stuff—and here I’m not referring to aluminum cans and Amazon cardboard boxes. I’m talking about the ways we continue to act out our personal baggage from our past. We drink or eat too much, we don’t exercise even though we’re pre-diabetic, we feud with our 5th marriage partner, we engage in power struggles with our boss where we can only lose, we flip off people on the highway even though it solves nothing.

It’s something of a mystery to me: the tenacity with which we cling to coping strategies we developed as children, that do nothing to solve anything, and at best only maintain the status quo. When presented with different and better options, by well-meaning partners, friends and therapists, we have a ready explanation for why they won’t work. We know life is passing us by while we continue to overwork, but there are so many reasons working less is just impossible. “I couldn’t enjoy the time off if I’m anxious about not having enough income,” might be one such explanation. Or “I’m too necessary where I work and I would feel like I’m abandoning them.”

So much of our life is determined by our attitudes toward our life. If I think I am not the kind of person who could ever succeed in marriage, or finances, or work, or friendships, my life will reflect that. We have so much control we don’t claim, and we take so much longer than we need to to change these attitudes.

In all of these situations, and they are to a greater and lesser extent found in every case I have and have ever had, it’s not like anyone ever succeeded in avoiding the pain and anxiety they were trying to avoid by persisting in their sub-optimal behaviors. So I ask my clients (and myself, when the need arises): “If you’re going to struggle anyway, why not let the struggle be in the service of your growth, rather than maintaining the same mediocre compromise you’ve lived your whole life?”

Let’s take the example of the overworking person. Yes, she likes what she does and gets a lot out of it. But she’s bitter that she seems to be working harder than anyone else of her peers, she recognizes her life is much narrower as a result, and she knows she’s running out of time to enjoy the other things in life that could be available to her.

“But I can’t slow down,” she might say. “I have too much debt and I would just fret about how I would pay it.”

“Do you fret now?” I ask. “Well, yes, but I would fret even more,” she might answer.

“I would rather have you fret while growing into a fuller version of yourself than fret to maintain the outdated version of yourself—the one who thinks she has to do it all before she’s allowed to enjoy her life.”

A reasonable point, no? She might agree with me too, but I can promise you that in 99 out of 100 instances, she won’t change. And if you wonder why, think of an area in your life you know is out of balance, and ask yourself why you’re not taking the steps you need to get into a better relationship with that part of your life.

I think the underlying reason in most cases is our not wanting to cope with the anxiety of living a life that’s different than the one we’ve known. We know ourselves in a particular way and breaking that mode and being different is deeply threatening.

To which I again say: “I would rather you cope with the deeper anxiety than the surface anxiety. At least you’re investing in yourself by doing this and ultimately it will lead to you leading a more truthful life.”

To which you might say, “But when do I get to take a break in life, and just accept myself for who I am, limitations and all?”

To which I might answer, “I don’t think we ever get to truly retire. Our struggles might shift, but we’re not here to sleepwalk. We’re here to grow, until the day we die. Living this way, following the direction of our natural growth (rather than simply perpetuating our survival suit) keeps life interesting and us alive.”