Fear
Do You Hate Problem-Solving?
Your emotions can interfere with finding effective solutions.
Posted October 18, 2015 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Problem-solving is a challenge for many. Facing problems means uncomfortable emotions that most would prefer to avoid. At the same time, solving problems effectively is an important skill to create the life you want to live. Avoiding problems because you hate the process usually means the issue gets worse.
Emotionally sensitive people are often creative problem-solvers. They find solutions that no one else considered but afterward seem so obvious. For some though their natural problem-solving process has been damaged by life situations and they have learned to fear even having a problem to solve.
When you’re emotionally sensitive, critical feedback from those you love can feel like someone dropped a boulder on you. If you have been criticized for the way you’ve solved problems or ideas you had for others, you may be too afraid to offer suggestions or put your thoughts into action.
You may also struggle with the emotions that are part of problem-solving. If you say to yourself, "I don't know what to do," because you are worried that your sister will be upset with you, then the issue is that you don't want to deal with the emotion involved in the solution. Sometimes emotions give us helpful information to consider (such as being sad that you wouldn't have as much time with your granddaughter if you go back to school) and sometimes emotions are blocks to living your best life. Unjustified fear that you will not pass the class is an example of emotions blocking you from implementing a solution. Consider the emotions about a solution separate from the actual solution.
You may have learned over time that you can’t always manage your emotions. When you’re unsure of how you will react to a situation or can’t predict how your emotions will affect your behavior, you avoid new situations and ideas. Sticking to the familiar at least means the world is more predictable. Staying in the familiar may mean avoiding changes that come with solving problems.
Perhaps you have received repeated feedback that you are wrong for the way you think or feel. That happens to emotionally sensitive people. If that’s the case, then you may look to others to determine how valuable or realistic your ideas are or perhaps even depend on others to solve problems believing that you cannot. You’ve learned to be passive.
If your efforts to solve issues in the past have resulted in bigger problems or you’ve been chastised, then you may believe that others can absolutely solve problems for you but you can’t solve your own, that whatever you do will be wrong. You may spend most of your time attempting to get others to solve problems for you. “I don’t know what to do,” or “Tell me what to do, just tell me what to do,” may be your usual reaction.
If you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions, then remember that solving problems is a process that can be learned. The first step is to regulate your emotions so that you can think clearly by using coping skills that are effective for you.
1. Regulate your emotions so you can think clearly.
2. Clearly define the issue. What is the problem you are trying to solve? At this point it’s not about how you feel or your worries about the outcome, it’s just the specific problem you want to solve. For example, “Should I go back to school this semester?” Most of the time you’re not deciding whether to do something at all but whether to do it now. Recognizing that the decision could be different at another time is part of problem-solving.
3. List the obvious solutions. Then list all the options you can imagine. There’s “yes” and “no” of course. There’s also return to school for one class, full-time, or on-line or seek tutoring. You might want to check into an independent study or an internship. You might want to volunteer to help someone who knows what you want to learn.
Sometimes getting ideas from others can be helpful.
4. List the pros and cons for each option. Include what you can’t do if you choose each option. The cost of full-time school might mean you can’t travel or you won’t be able to go out with your friends as often.
Consider your emotional reactions here. Are your emotions justified?
Does your solution get you closer to the life you want to live? You can work backward to evaluate your solution.
5. Choose one or two options to troubleshoot. What could get in your way of putting the solution to work? If your emotional reactions to someone not liking your decisions are part of what might get in your way, how will you manage that? One way is to remember your life is worth living goal and that this solution gets you closer. Reread your pros and cons.
6. If your first solution doesn't work out, then try another option. Problem-solving often means trial and error and being flexible.
Even when you go through the process carefully, sometimes the solutions don't work. It's easy to become discouraged, particularly if you're emotionally sensitive. Be mindful that discouragement is often a natural part of the problem-solving process. Information you gain from what doesn't work can help you make your next effort better.
