Stop Letting Regret Ruin Your Life

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One moment of distraction was all it took. The driver adjusted the car radio, drifted slightly to the left on the divided highway, and clipped the oncoming vehicle. A father and his young son were both instantly killed in the accident. Regardless of what we wish we would have done differently or wish we had the courage to do but did not, regret is a heavy burden to carry. Here are a few steps you can follow to help lighten the load.

Regret is a regular feature of being human. In talking with many individuals who became physically injured or ill because of some behavior or choice on their part, regret often shows up as a theme in their rehabilitation journey. The consequences of their actions in the past have an ongoing and lasting impact on their lives.

While illness and injury are more obvious indicators of impact from the actions taken or not taken in the past, many of our regrets have only imagined consequences. If we had finished college or graduate school, we imagine we would now be highly successful in our field of work. If we had asked that one special person out on a date, we fantasize we would be happily married and have a wonderful life.

Regret Defined

In all these examples, the fundamental element of regret is a disconnect between what we wish we would have done and how we behaved or failed to behave in the past. There is also an assumption that we could have acted differently but did not.

If we don’t learn to handle regret, it will disrupt our lives now and in the future. Regret can interfere with our ability to experience positive emotions, decision-making, and performance in everyday tasks.

If you are struggling with regret, it can be helpful to look at the emotion of regret like any other emotion. There is no exceptional grip that regret needs to have on your life. Using the perspective of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), we will explain why we struggle with negative emotions like regret and how to break free.

How to Shift Negative Emotions

Before we walk through the REBT analysis of regret, it is vital to understand the difference between helpful negative emotions and unhelpful negative emotions. For example, in response to a goal being blocked, a person may believe a grave injustice occurred that triggers intense anger, which then leads to unhelpful behavior like yelling. Anger is unhelpful because of the behavior that follows. However, a person could think that a blocked goal is disappointing but not terrible. In this situation, the belief would result in a helpful negative emotion, such as frustration or healthy anger, which then leads to constructive behavior, such as problem-solving.

Using the ABC model of REBT, we will look at the activating event (A), the basic attitude (B), and the consequence (C), which includes emotional, behavioral, and cognitive elements. First, we will examine how unhelpful regret develops. Then, we will see how to change unhelpful regret to helpful remorse.

• The activating event (A) is a past event where we did not behave in a desired way. We either did not do what we wanted or did something we wished we had not done.
• The basic attitude (B) might be something like: "I must not make mistakes. I should not have done what I did." The keywords in these statements are "must" and "should." From the REBT perspective, these words are absolute, rigid, and inflexible, leading to our distress.
• The consequence (C) has three elements. The emotional consequences are distress and guilt. The behavioral result is rumination—we don't stop rehearsing the events in our mind. Added to rumination are behaviors focused on the avoidance and control of distress that may include distraction and the use of substances (food, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, caffeine) to feel less distressed. The cognitive consequence is devaluing ourselves and believing we are unworthy and deserve punishment. We will also constantly think of what we could have done differently.
• Additional consequences (C) may include forgoing pleasure as a form of self-punishment. There is also the possibility that a person struggling with unhealthy regret will avoid new opportunities for change, growth, and satisfying relationships out of the fear that they may once again make a terrible mistake. We can also become depressed about regret and then become anxious about our depression. These are secondary emotional responses to the initial reaction of regret.

How do we change unhelpful regret to become helpful remorse? Using the ABC model again, let's look at what happens when we change our thoughts about our past actions.

• The basic attitude (B) that is flexible and non-demanding is: "I would like to do well, but do not have to do well. I am a fallible human being." We can add to this basic flexible attitude with statements such as, "It would be a struggle for me to bear if I did not do well, but it would not be unbearable." And this statement, "It is worth bearing because I am worth the effort to bear it. My life and my future are important to me."
• The consequence (C) has three elements. The emotional consequence is sadness and remorse. The behavioral result is focusing our time and energy on meaningful activities, leading to growth and change. The cognitive consequence is reflecting on past events from different perspectives, including the perspective that we can learn from everything that happens to us—nothing needs to be wasted, not even our failures. We can also engage in benefit finding, looking at how hardship from the past has shaped us in ways that only hardship can. Through hardship, we learn compassion, build character, and develop strength that we otherwise would never have discovered.

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Outlining a few steps in a short post like this always seems out of place in the face of the years of heartache and struggle many people experience. If you are recovering from regret, remember that your future will help you reframe your past. The more you work toward a better future with healthy thinking and emotions, the more you will see your past in a helpful light.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.