When Friends Miss the Mark: Social Support and Friendship

You just had a terrible day—a breakup, a bombed exam, or even a health scare. So naturally, you talk to a friend about it in hopes of feeling better.

But their reply misses the mark. They flood you with advice when you just wanted them to listen—or maybe they brush it off with a joke when you're barely holding it together. You feel... misunderstood.

Sound familiar? You're not alone, and you're not overreacting. In fact, science tells us there's a real psycho-social phenomenon at work here: support gaps, or those moments when the support we want doesn't match what we get.

In emerging adulthood (ages 18-25), these mismatches can make or break our friendships. A new study my co-author and I just published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships of over 200 young adult friend pairs sheds light on just how often these support gaps happen, why they matter, and what we can do about them.

Friendship Support Matters

Emerging adulthood is considered one of the most transformative phases of life. We’re navigating independence, identity, careers, relationships, and our physical/mental health, all while trying to keep a social life intact.

Unsurprisingly, this chapter of life can be messy and stressful. And when things get rough, who do we turn to? Our friends!

Studies suggest that support from friends can have a stronger link to well-being in young adults than support from family (Lee & Goldstein, 2016). Friends are whom we cry on, vent to, lean on, and laugh with. They're our chosen family. But that doesn’t mean we’re always good at supporting each other.

Social support isn’t one-size-fits-all. In fact, research consistently identifies five different types of support we tend to give and receive in relationships (Cutrona & Russell, 1990):

1. Emotional support: Expressions of care and empathy ("That sounds awful; I’m here for you.")
2. Esteem support: Boosting someone’s confidence or sense of worth ("You’ve got this. You’re so capable.")
3. Network support: Connecting someone to helpful people or social groups ("My cousin went through this too—let me put you in touch.")
4. Informational support: Offering advice or guidance ("You should call your advisor and ask about a retake.")
5. Tangible support: Doing something practical or physical to help ("Want me to drive you to your appointment?")

Here's the kicker: Sometimes we get too little of what we want—or too much of what we don’t. These mismatches, called support gaps (Crowley & High, 2020), can have serious consequences for our relationships.

What Support Gaps Look Like

A support gap is the difference between how much support you want and how much you receive. These gaps can go two ways: A deficit means receiving less support than you wanted, whereas a surplus means receiving more support than you wanted (McLaren & High, 2019).

In our new study, Dr. Erin Ruppel and I found that emerging adult friends reported both surpluses and deficits in all five support types, and these mismatches were tied to how satisfied and close friends felt in their relationships, both immediately and a month later.

Our research identified several key takeaways regarding social support (mis)matches and emerging adult friendships:

1. When Friends Fall Short

Let’s say you’re feeling insecure about a job interview and looking for encouragement, but your friend doesn’t offer any praise or reassurance. That’s a deficit in esteem support, and according to the study, it’s one of the most damaging gaps.

Friends who didn’t get enough esteem or informational support (i.e., helpful advice) reported feeling less satisfied and close in their friendships. And it wasn’t just about how the person felt—their friends noticed, too.

In some cases, one person’s lack of support actually predicted the other person’s drop in relationship quality weeks later. That means that missing the mark can have damaging ripple effects on friendship quality over time.

2. When Friends Do Too Much

Now, flip the script. Say you just want a listening ear, but your friend floods you with advice or starts problem-solving. That’s a surplus of informational support, and it can be just as harmful.

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Our study found that people who received more advice than they wanted often felt less close to their friends. Why? Perhaps because unsolicited advice can come off as judgmental or controlling, even when it’s well-intentioned (Goldsmith & Fitch, 1997). Tangible support (i.e., helping with chores) surpluses were also detrimental; receiving too much practical support was negatively associated with friendship quality.

3. Emotional and Network Support: The Bright Spots

But it’s not all bad news—and not all surpluses are unwelcome.

In fact, when it came to emotional and network support, getting more than expected was actually a good thing. Friends who received a surplus of emotional validation (i.e., emotional support) or help connecting with others (i.e., network support) reported higher friendship satisfaction. In other words, you can’t go wrong with showing a little extra care or helping your friend expand their support circle.

4. Gaps Are Common But Often Invisible

One particularly notable finding of our study was that most friendships reported at least one support gap. In fact, support surpluses were more common than deficits across most categories.

That means even when we think we’re being helpful, we might still be missing the mark. And since these gaps are based on internal perceptions of needs and desires, we may not even realize our friend feels under (or over) supported.

When in doubt, be open in your communication with friends. It never hurts to ask what they might need from you to be supported—doing so may actually benefit the friendship!

5. What You Do Still Matters

While support gaps can help explain when things go wrong, the study also revealed a reassuring truth: Simply receiving support from a friend—regardless of whether it perfectly matches your needs—is one of the strongest predictors of feeling close and satisfied in a friendship.

In fact, received support was a more consistent driver of relationship quality than support gaps themselves. This echoes decades of research showing that when people feel supported, their relationships thrive.

The takeaway? Even if you’re not sure exactly what your friend needs, showing up and offering support is almost always better than staying silent.

Navigating Support Gaps

Support isn’t only about your intention. It’s about the other person’s experience. You might think you’re being helpful. But if your friend doesn’t feel seen, heard, or respected, the support won’t land.

The only way to get better at supporting our friends is to talk about it. Ask what they need. Listen. And when in doubt, validate their feelings before doing anything else. Sometimes, just being present can be as powerful as any advice or action. Consider a few tips when navigating social support within friendships:

1. Ask what they need before offering support. “Do you want to vent or want advice?” is a simple but powerful question.
2. Validate before problem-solving. Say things like “That sounds so hard” or “I totally get why you’d feel that way” before jumping into solutions.
3. Match the support to the situation. Big emotional moments? Lead with emotional support. Need a plan? Offer advice (but only if it’s welcome).
4. Remember: More isn’t always better. Overloading your friend with advice or help might make them feel worse—not better!
5. Check in after. “Did that help?” or “Is there something I could have done differently?” opens the door for growth.

Why This Matters More Than Ever

Young adulthood is a time of change, instability, and growth. Friendships during this time aren’t just a luxury—they’re a lifeline. Perhaps now more than ever, during raging worldwide uncertainties, support from friends matters. But they also take work.

Support gaps remind us that even good intentions can go awry and that open, clear communication is crucial in keeping friendships healthy. So, next time a friend comes to you in distress, pause. Ask. Listen. Reflect. Because how we show up for our friends shapes how close we feel and how long those bonds last.