Why Kids With ADHD Are Often Labeled “Weird”

It used to concern me that my son could not name half of the kids in his grade, most of whom he had been in school with since kindergarten. Attention and working memory are two key components of cognitive functioning which allow us to, among other things, put a name to a face. For someone like my ADHD son with attention and working memory deficits, it’s hard to make friends in school, especially if you can’t remember the name of the kid you want to talk to.

When it comes to remembering someone’s name, we can all relate to having an ADHD brain. Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to introduce a friend to someone you see frequently but just can’t seem to remember their name? Our cognitive functions decline with age, making our brains more ADHD-like, and suddenly we find ourselves struggling to put a name to a face.

The Social Struggle

My son used to dread group projects, especially in middle school. He was always worried about being paired with the kid who goofs off all of the time or not knowing the name of his partner. He often reported to me no one in the group wanted to listen to his ideas, and he felt like his opinion was not valued. A lack of self-awareness (paying attention to your emotions, feelings, behaviors, and how they affect others) can lead to ADHD kids feeling misunderstood and under-appreciated; to neurotypicals, they can appear callous, uncaring, or socially inept.

In addition, kids with ADHD are often viewed negatively by their peers due to their symptoms of inattention, immaturity, hyperactivity, impulsivity, poor emotional control, and aggression. A study in elementary school children revealed the detrimental effect of an ADHD label. In the study, children expected to have ADHD, whether they had it or not, were viewed in a more negative manner by peers than children not labeled as ADHD.

Negative attitudes by peers are difficult to dispel over time, and approximately one-third of teens and adults with ADHD are fearful of being seen by others as incompetent, unappealing, or uncool. I recall my son saying to me when he was in eighth grade that he was not included in an online chat group created by one of the kids in his class because he was the “weird kid.” As his mom, knowing my son felt this way was heartbreaking.

The Importance of Finding Your Tribe

Most people associate with peers who have similar interests to their own. I have come to believe this is especially important for my son and other kids with ADHD who struggle socially. In middle school, my son attended a week-long space camp where he got to train like an astronaut. My son was more excited about the camp than for anything he had done before, despite not knowing anyone and the camp being over 14 hours away from home. Whenever I talked to my son on the phone, he was always having a wonderful time with his new friends. Just like him, all the kids at the camp were passionate about space travel, rocket building, and learning about outer space. My son’s ADHD didn’t matter; at the camp, he wasn’t the “weird kid.” Having something in common with the kids at camp helped my son to form lasting peer relationships, and he still keeps in touch with the kids whom he met there, five years later.

Encouraging our ADHD kids to get involved in the right social circle for them is critical. My son has always been interested in music, playing both the trumpet and the piano. When he started high school, I convinced him he should join the school’s marching band. Reluctant at first, it turned out to be a wonderful experience for him, one he thoroughly enjoyed. Once again, he was surrounded by kids with a common interest. He suddenly had a group of friends to hang out with before school, eat lunch with, and get together with outside of school. Finally, my son felt like he belonged, and although, he will probably never be part of the “in-crowd,” he will be part of his own crowd.