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Key points
- Many singles are experiencing anxiety related to texting.
- We have come to rely on texting for most of our communication.
- There are things you can do to avoid confusion and misunderstanding while dating and texting.
Texting anxiety—although not an actual clinical diagnosis—is very real for a lot of people, especially for singles. As dating becomes more and more centered around dating apps, social media, and text messaging, it's apparent that texting has become the primary mode of communication and source of anxiety. So many singles today are reading between the lines of every text exchange in an effort to make meaning and figure out the intentions of another person. And who can blame them? Incomplete sentences, delayed responses, and the use of obscure emojis make everything that much more confusing and cryptic. If you already struggle with anxiety or have a difficult time coping with uncertainty, it makes sense why this would cause feelings of uneasiness or distress.
Unfortunately, we continue to rely more and more on technology and the use of text messaging to communicate anything and everything because we love shortcuts and efficiency. We use texting to confirm plans, to give directions, to stay in touch, to flirt, to have difficult conversations, and to generally maintain a sense of connection with others. So, while the most obvious (and simple) solution would be “stop texting so much," this seems like a very unrealistic expectation. Instead, I'd like to share some of the things you can do to help you cope and mitigate texting anxiety.
Tip 1: Ditch the decoding
If every text from the person you are dating or talking to is A) vague or brief, B) noncommittal, or C) causes confusion, ask yourself, “Should it really be this hard?” While dating and relationships both require effort and work, communication and directness is key. If you are already having to decode every text, this may be a sign to move on. With the right person, communication should be relatively seamless and easy—there should be little guessing or reading between the lines.
Tip 2: Clarify
If you are confused by a text or believe that there could be some misunderstanding, ask clarifying questions. For example, let’s say you want to make plans with someone you are newly dating. You send a text asking them if they are free Saturday night and they respond with a…smirk face emoji. You might start feeling anxious because you aren't sure if this is a confirmation emoji (confirming that they are available) or an expression of ambivalence. You might ask yourself, “What does this mean?” or “How do I respond to that?"
Instead of going down the rabbit hole of all of the “what-ifs” and trying to interpret the significance of an emoji, just ask. For some people, this concept is mind-blowing. You may be thinking, “I can just ask?" Yes! Absolutely! If there is any room for misunderstanding, or you feel like clarifying a text could lessen your anxiety, go for it. Regardless of the response, seeking clarification is a direct approach that will provide answers so that you don’t have to sit in limbo.
While this tip is straightforward, I recognize that this can be difficult for many because of an underlying fear of rejection or coming off as “needy.” I also know that individuals want to come off as "easy-going" or "low maintenance" to a prospective partner. But remember that you are also a key player in every relationship that you are in. You are allowed to be assertive and ask clarifying questions to avoid misunderstandings (and wasting one another’s time).
Tip 3: Take a break from your phone
If you are constantly checking your phone for new texts, messages, or activity on social media, put it down. Checking the phone and re-reading text messages has become pretty compulsive for many singles, especially in newer relationships. As a result, singles will often put their entire life on pause as they await the response of the person of interest or try to make meaning from a single text. Instead of being present and having balance, the phone becomes a point of fixation, which just creates more anxiety.
So, try to take space or even create physical distance between you and your phone. Put the phone in another room or turn it on “do not disturb." If you are out doing errands or with friends, keep it out of sight. By taking this break, you increase your ability to be more mindful. This will help you to become more present in conversations, appreciate all of the good things that you have (things that exist outside dating), and shift your focus and attention away from your thoughts to the environment and events around you.
Tip 4: Communicate in person
This might seem very old school and dated, but if texting is going to make a situation messier than it needs to be, you always have the option to communicate via telephone or in-person. Telephone conversations offer the benefit of hearing the other person’s tone of voice and having a conversation in real-time. With in-person conversations, you have access to non-verbal communication as well–which can be extremely helpful and informative in some of the more difficult conversations. Non-verbal cues such as eye contact, facial expressions, and posture can help you discern sarcasm, the genuineness of another person, and reduce the likelihood of misunderstanding.
You might argue that 1) Not everyone likes talking on the phone, and, 2) You don't want to call someone without warning. While these are fair arguments, especially in this world of texting, I would also argue that texting continues to cause so much more confusion and anxiety than there needs to be. We could avoid misunderstanding and have more peace of mind if we were to communicate with others in a real and authentic way.
