Why Anger Can Be an Ally During the Grieving Process

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When we think of grief, we picture sadness, sorrow, or numbness. But what about anger? Though it’s a recognized part of grief and trauma (Lenferink et al., 2024), it’s often overlooked—and misunderstood. Recognizing and understanding anger can help us process grief more effectively, rather than feeling caught off guard by its intensity.

First, it’s important to consider why anger is often minimized. Society often labels anger as dangerous or "bad"—and to be fair, it can be disruptive and even harmful. Sayings like “flying off the handle,” “blowing a fuse,” and “hitting the roof” evoke chaos and instability, reinforcing the idea that anger is something we should control or avoid altogether. But while it’s undeniable that anger can lead to confrontation or violence (and thus needs to be managed to some extent), viewing it as solely negative overlooks its natural and essential role in the grieving process.

The Relationship Between Anger and Loss

It can be helpful to explore the relationship between anger and grief as they walk hand-in-hand as companions, each one helping the other express what we’re feeling.

When we experience grief and loss, it’s not uncommon to find a sense of injustice lurking nearby. The mantra “life isn’t fair” is amplified in the face of death, illness, betrayal, and other forms of loss, and as such, “grief isn’t fair” becomes just as relevant. This sense of unfairness can fuel anger, and anger becomes the voice of that which is unjust and unpredictable.

Anger isn’t just a vicious emotion; it’s a functional part of our survival instinct and helps us respond to threats in a protective manner, its volatility serving to increase alertness and readiness for action. Imagine being chased by a predator and the rush of anger and adrenaline that increases focus and strength, as well as prepares the body to fight or flee. In times of grief, anger can provide a roadmap to self-awareness and indicate that something is wrong or that boundaries have been violated.

Grief can leave us feeling vulnerable and powerless. But anger, when channeled appropriately, can give us the courage to speak up, push for change, and reclaim a sense of control. For example, in the face of a traumatic situation, anger can encourage us to take action—whether by seeking answers about circumstances such as illness or death or demanding accountability after betrayal. This helps people regain a sense of control during a time when they might otherwise feel immobilized and defenseless.

As a way of understanding the normalcy of anger, it can be viewed as another way of processing negative or overwhelming emotions—just from a different angle. While sadness and guilt tend to turn inward, manifesting as feelings of self-blame or deep sorrow, anger is more outward-facing, directed at people, situations, and real or perceived injustices. At its core, internalized and externalized grief are just two sides of the same coin, and people can experience them individually or together—sometimes at the same time, sometimes one after the other, or even bouncing between them—as they process their loss.

Anger Is OK; Destructive Anger Is Not

But, alas, anger can also come with a steep downside. It can contribute to health issues, including but not limited to cardiovascular disease (Shimbo et al., 2024). It can drive wedges between loved ones by turning relationships into battlegrounds filled with conflict. It may serve as a barrier to moving forward in the healing process. If left unaddressed, anger can wreak havoc in a person’s life by leading to aggression or emotional turmoil.

So how can a person lean into the healthy properties of anger and leave the destructive ones behind? It’s important to recognize and accept the presence of anger rather than suppress it. If ignored, anger doesn’t just disappear—it finds a way out, like water seeping through the cracks of a door that is closed and locked.

When grief gives rise to anger, it’s important to recognize and understand these feelings. A person should practice self-compassion and realize that anger isn’t the enemy; instead, it’s like a warning light on the dashboard of a car, there to help us in the only way it knows how.

You can be in control of your anger by finding healthy ways to express it—whether through creative outlets, by talking to loved ones, engaging in physical activities, or by seeking professional help. Techniques like mindfulness, journaling, or deep breathing can also help you observe your anger without being consumed by it.

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In the end, anger is not something to fear or withhold but a powerful emotion that can steer us through the complex process of grief. By acknowledging its presence, understanding its purpose, and channeling it in healthy ways, we can use anger as a tool for healing rather than allowing it to become an obstacle.

Just as grief is a journey, so too is learning to navigate anger. By embracing both, we open ourselves to the possibility of growth, self-discovery, a clear path on which to make decisions, and, ultimately, emotional resilience.

The next time anger enters into your experience with grief, pause. Is it a friend guiding you, a foe stomping its foot and demanding patience, or something in between? Either way, it has something to teach—if you’re willing to listen and learn.