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So when should the spouse or significant other call it quits with a repeat cheater?
In the comments to my previous posts on adultery, one recurring theme dealt with "serial" adulterers, people whose behavior shows a pattern of repeated cheating. This can involve repeated affairs within one committed relationship, or leaving one relationship for a lover, then leaving that person for another, and so on.
This is a great topic, if only because it allows me to tie together several of the things I've discussed before on this blog: adultery, strength, Kant, and procrastination. Wait—huh? OK, I admit, that last one is a bit of a stretch—but I mention it because the way I will look at serial adultery is very similar to how I look at chronic (or serial) procrastination in my chapter in The Thief of Time, which is based on Kant's writings on character and strength.
The basic idea is that to Kant, lapses in character—whether in terms of putting a task off against your better judgment, engaging in extramarital activity, or any other failure to live up to the standards you set or accept for yourself—can be based on two factors. The first is affect, which Kant defines as a sudden impulse or craving which, while potentially very strong and seemingly overwhelming, is nonetheless momentary and fleeting. Understood this way, affect can overwhelm our rational decision-making and "make" us do things we know we shouldn't. (I put "make" in quotes because we still have the choice to resist, but that resistance is more difficult under affect.)
Everyone experiences affect, and everyone succumbs to it at times, depending on his or her strength of will. To Kant, this does not signal or imply any viciousness of character, but "only a lack of virtue...
which indeed can coexist with the best will" (Kant, Metaphysics of Morals, 408). Even the strongest (most virtuous) person will succumb to passing temptation occasionally, and such an act can be wrong or immoral, but in general this does not make the person less strong, virtuous, or admirable for it—it just makes her human.
But lapses can also be due to passion, which Kant defines as a persistent, steady desire that corrupts our rationality and influences our decision-making at a deeper level. Recall that for Kant, human beings have the ability (and responsibility) to be autonomous in their choices, resisting all external and internal influences until they have been considered and endorsed by their reason. Both affect and passion represent heteronomy (a failure of autonomy), but while affect simply overwhelms a person's reason once in a while, passion actually worms its way into the process of decision-making itself. In Kant's words, affect "produces a momentary loss of freedom and self-control," while passion "surrenders both" (Anthropology, 267).
Given the corrupting nature of passion, then, it has a greater and more lasting effect on one's strength of character. Giving in to affect, the occasional craving or impulse, can leave your overall strength fairly constant, but giving in to passion corrodes your strength by weakening your resolve to resist it—it's working from the inside, so to speak, like a secret agent infiltrating a top government committee. So succumbing to passion not only results in a bad act then, but also makes it more likely that you will succumb to that passion—or another passion, or affect—in the future, because it lessens your strength of will. (Also, it implies some viciousness of character, since your very judgment is compromised.)
In my book chapter, I use this distinction to discuss long spells of procrastination, or "procrastination traps," which are more likely to be the result of passion corrupting one's judgment than a fleeting affect. As we've characterized it, affect doesn't lead to any lasting weakening of the will, so succumbing at one time doesn't make it any more (or less) likely that you'll succumb next time. And if you do, it'll just be another occasional lapse--probably no big deal.
But if you find yourself procrastinating time and time again, in the same circumstances, then it is more likely that passion is the cause; your decision-making has been corrupted so as to allow the passion to influence your choices over time. If you're trying to finish a task, and slip once to watch an interesting TV show, that's probably affect. If you have serious problems with the task because you keep turning on the TV to watch infomercials for blankets with sleeves (even though you already own one of each color—and plaid), then there is likely a deeper problem with your choice process. (This also points out that a "passion" in this sense does not have to be passionate in the normal sense!)
OK, OK—what about adultery? I'm arguing that a similar thing may be going on with repeat adulterers. If a person cheats once, it may have been the result of affect, a strong but fleeting attraction (physical or emotional) to another person. If he cheats twice, it still could have been affect, but there is now some reason to believe that it's passion (now the word makes more sense, huh?). If he does it again and again, then it's probably not (just) that he's attracted to all these other women, but instead he's got a deep passion for something more general, whether that be sex, intimacy, power, and so on. I don't doubt that Tiger Woods was attracted to all the women he slept with, but it doesn't take a trained therapist to guess that he was driven by a desire or need for something more general, and these women helped him satisfy that.
So I would say that serial adultery is an issue of character, that it reflects something inherent in the persons' decision-making process that drives him (or her) to cheat repeatedly. Don't get me wrong—cheating once also reflects on a person's character, and not well. But if it happens just once and never again, his return to fidelity does speak well of his character, and indicates that it was a momentary transgression, a chance temptation to which he chose (that once) to give in—which doesn't make it any less harmful or hurtful, but may give hope to the spouse (or the new love for whom he left his last) that it won't happen again.
Good question...
Submitted by Mark D. White Ph.D. on April 19, 2010 - 8:00pm
...and one I hope to address in a post soon (dealing with the person who is being cheated on).
Being cheated on...
Submitted by Danita Clark Able on April 5, 2013 - 11:23am
You mentioned in your comment that you would like to see an article written on the person being cheated on. I don't know if an article as been written on it yet...but I have written a book about my life...the person being cheated on by a chronic adulterer. The book is:
Letters From A Whoremonger's Wife
by: Danita Clark Able
It is available on Amazon, Createspace, Nook, Kindle
I hope you'll check it out.
Thank you,
Danita
www.DanitaClark.com
seriel adultery
Submitted by Anonymous on April 20, 2013 - 3:34pm
I cant see how every one would be the same for this. Self esteem will allow some one to continue this as well as ignorance of what is going on. found out my husband did this with his first wife and he has left me to be with someone else. She knows we are still married! This hurts me a lot but I dont blame myself except for nto seeing anything. I did not know about this in his first marriage until after all of this came out
Serial Cheating Ex Husband
Submitted by Anonymous on July 27, 2017 - 8:49am
I definitely feel for you as the same thing happened to me just recently. I had no idea he was doing it either! There were clues & signs everywhere but my heart didn't allow me to believe it. And his manipulation was key. I think the neurotransmitters in the part of the brain that contains empathy are dead. And that's what makes it so easy for them to lie righy to your face. What changed for me is the woman he left for me sent me a naked picture of him & told me how long they'd be doing stuff for. Deep down, I KNEW the entire time what was going on, but I needed that reality slap in the face to really see what was going on. And then his entire web of lies has unraveled. Crazy stuff!
cheating
Submitted by Anonymous on November 24, 2013 - 5:19pm
Anonymous wrote:So when should the spouse or significant other call it quits with a repeat cheater?
I don't know, but how do you uncrack an egg?
Trust, honesty, integrity.
When one goes, they all go.
serial cheaters
Submitted by sandra on May 12, 2016 - 2:53am
I think when you realize you live with a serial cheater, you might be dealing with narcissism, sex addiction or love addiction. why has that not been mentioned?
Narcissism
Submitted by Anonymous on July 27, 2017 - 9:00am
Yes I agree! I was wondering the same exact thing! I know my ex husband is a narcissist as well as a sex addict. I think the narcissism plays very highly into their role of being able to continually cheat without having enough guilt to stop completely. And it also helps them to justify their actions by constantly blaming everything on others. And they are so selfish that they tell themselves they deserve to have as many partners as they please. Narcissism & chronic cheating go hand in hand. I think that's a huge part of why they cheat. Not to mention their addiction to sexual stimulation/intercourse.
Ok..here's my story my
Submitted by Anonymous on April 19, 2010 - 8:27pm
Ok..here's my story my husband has has inappropriate relationships with different women. I have never actually caught him but I have proof. His account showing a separate cell phone purchase to one female, emails back and forth to another female trying to hook up with her, phone logs of noticable calls between him and several women. Directions to her house, meeting other family members of hers to delivery things for her. Telling me I don't need to worry about what's going on outside of the house that I need to handle my business at home? Telling me that I'm all washed up, making comments like " I want another baby make it happen. Not just one here and there I mean almost a full page of outgoing and incoming calls to and from to one female at different times. Voice mail where a so called female friends states "and yes I still do love you" which means he must have asked her did she still love. Going out of town and having drinks with another female friend and I find out about it. Emails to yet another female stating that she was the one he should have married. If I disapprove of a female friend then he gives them his work number so that I won't see them calling each other on his cell phone bill. Telling my girlfriend that I was jealous because he had a lot of female friends. As the wife I held on as long as I could 2 kids later and 16 years invested I no longer see the light at the end of this tunnel.
Well...
Submitted by Mark D. White Ph.D. on April 19, 2010 - 8:38pm
...I would say his problem is definitely one of character--this is who he is, and it doesn't sound good for you (to say the least). The only question left is what should you do, and what would be best for your children (whose ages I don't know, nor do I know how aware they are of any of this).
Seriel Adultery
Submitted by Danita Clark Able on April 5, 2013 - 11:18am
It's been a while since you posted this comment, but I'm just discovering this page.
I was married to a seriel adulterer, they do not change. It is a character flaw and without etensive help, they continue to act on their desires.
Ii hope you've left the situation by now and are experiencing a full and happy life. I stayed married for 24 years. A few of those years my ex lived the way he should...be he couldn't resist his nature.
Below I'm posting a letter my son wrote to Fathers...he posted on Facebook, the letter can also be found in my book. Let no one convince you that adultery doesn't have a painful ripple effect.
www.facebook.com/DanitaClarkAuthor
Fathers, Who do you think you are?
By: Garrett Able
Written yesterday at 4:17 PM, August 4, 2009
Fathers, who do you think you are?
Who are they exactly? Dad, Father, Pops, all these names are talking about the first true hero in our lives, the first real “Man”. As kids we are always saying, “My dad can beat up your dad!!!” And the rebuttal, “Well, MY dad can lift that car and put it on your dads head!”
As kids we are so in love with our fathers. As we grow older we become more and more like our fathers because our admiration towards them is more than we can understand. It is so strong sometimes, you take on every characteristic of your dad. And to a loving father, this is the greatest sign of admiration! Of an unconditional Love that runs so deep…the jelly sandwich he made you the night before last was the most amazing bit of food you ever ate. And the one tomorrow will be better even than THAT one. What I don’t understand, is why do some wish they had a better life?
I was seven when my dad showed me his better life. Instead of doing what most dads do and leave their family, my dad was sick minded enough to take me along. Her name was Lorraine*, she lived in Pine Log, not far from my house. My “Father”, my “Hero”, would take me “fishing” but before we got to the lake we would pick up this woman from the country corner gas station. She would then join us and once we got to the lake I would take my rod and fish while my father left me. I was seven. A child. Once he had his fill of filth he would retrieve me. Tell me, ‘don’t tell mom I had a friend.” This continued for the longest time, this secret life I was forced to share with my father, all the while I was there watching, listening and hurting. I was seven years old when I became a bigger man than my father. On the way to tennis practice, we all ended up at the country corner store one evening…my mom, me, my father and Lorraine. I turned to my mom and told her, ‘this is dads’ friend”. She asked me what I meant and hell broke loose in the store when I described the relationship between my dad and this woman. In front of me, my father denied what I said. In essence calling me a liar. My father broke my mothers’ heart through me because he didn’t have the balls to tell her himself.
This happened two more times, (that I’m aware of), the most recent was two weeks ago. I am 19 years old. Except I feel like I have been 25 since I was 12. My father had a wife who would NEVER leave him. A BEAUTIFUL wife, a loving daughter, and me. His “Buddy” he called me. I am successful, smart, funny, talented, loving, compassionate towards others…but he didn’t want me enough to stay, or any of us for that matter.
The Love that ran deep has only made a scar. I am nothing like my father. At twelve I knew I didn’t want to be like him. My hero died on the beach of Lake Allatoona.
So this is to you fathers out there: If you are faithful, stay that way. You will be rewarded greatly with Love and happiness and moments where your children want to squeeze you because they love you so much. And kisses from your wife that make you melt like it’s the first kiss you ever had. You will see your children grow and look at you like, “There is Superman, he is sitting right there in front of me…across the table and he is my Dad. MY dad.” Your daughters will mold who they want to LOVE out of you!!!! You, who cuts the lawn and drinks out of the jug of milk and chokes on it when your beautiful wife comes into the kitchen and catches you. DON’T LET THAT GO!!!!!!!!!!
To those of you who are not faithful, it’s time to rethink the pros and cons. YOU WILL BE DISCOVERED!!!! YOU WILL BE UNVIELED!!!! YOU WILL BE MADE TO LEAVE!!!!! Because you are WORTHLESS!!!!!
But I do Forgive him.
If you are tagged it’s because you either already know, can help my mother deal with this, or because I think you should know.
serial adultery
Submitted by Anonymous on November 24, 2013 - 11:19am
POW - I've recently had an experience with a 'serial adulterer'.
I was one of the 'collection'. Learning and watching how he was living such a secret life was and still is, amazing to me. He set it up so he would have the pick of his 'collection' right from his workplace. The women in the 'collection' never knew about each other, because they were protecting him, a married man, it was a secret. I became his work friend, through work and someone who was my work friend, she confided in me that she was had become his lover. I suspected something, but ignored my instincts, after he's married. He always end this affairs by saying he's not sure what he wants. After he ended it with her. Even though I knew about it, I became one of the 'collection', then I felt like a fool, and now I feel like I am armed with the new knowledge and power to make a huge difference, but first I forgave myself for such a terrible lapse in judgment, a horrible mistake. I will never make again. I watched and observed, as he chose his next one for his collection, and then, the one after that. He continues to live this lie, claiming the usual, that it is his wife and while never really attacking her, he states that they never have sex and they can't talk about things. It took me quite some time to realize this person character is seriously flawed; serial adultery. I know we are all human, tough times can happen in a marriage, and affairs happen, people do overcome them and stay married. This - this is so different. It's particular intriguing, because his male friends, most of them know his behaviour, the women do not. I came to the conclusion that what is doing to his wife is without any doubt the same and physical abuse. We seem to turn a blind eye to knowing that a fellow human being is being psychologically abused, emotionally, and forever damaged by this type of betrayal. There was at time when if a woman or even a child were being physically abused in the home, it was "family business, and to say out of it," these days, it's a criminal offence. To me, he is kicking and punching and stabbing his wife in heart repeatedly, without her even knowing. Until now. I was agonizing as to whether I should bow out gracefully, thinking that maybe it's none of my business really, it's between him and his wife. I've evolved from that. If I knew he was beating her, I'd intervene one way or another. So I've intervened, I've called her to tell her. And I've written a letter to her also. One of the realizations I came to when writing the letter is: the tangents of damage and pain that have been caused by his behaviour have become serious reverberating ripples throughout all of our lives and have, without question, left permanent scars on our souls. I had to tell her. My final thought is: When we stop turning a blind eye to emotional abuse this serial adultery causes? When will it become just as unacceptable as physical abuse has become in our culture?
ooops, I posted the rough
Submitted by Anonymous on November 24, 2013 - 11:27am
ooops, I posted the rough copy. But I'm sure you'll see the sprit of this post.
Im so glad that you called it
Submitted by Sad Wife on June 7, 2015 - 12:43am
Im so glad that you called it what it is abuse. And thankyou for telling the cheaters wife. I wish more women would look out for other women instead of turning a blind eye.
Cheating dads
Submitted by Anonymous on July 29, 2014 - 6:30pm
Thank you darling,
I'm a UK mum of amazing, healthy, intelligent, funny, happy boys, younger than you. And whilst I'm wiping the tears now (having a moment, whilst they sleep)
They're both bigger men than their Dad already.
He can't help it, he just needs to feed his ego.
My mission is to turn my boys into men and I help them to think of their Dad as a hero, every day, I hope I'm right in doing this, cos to be a little boy and not think you're dads the greatest (often at my expense) can't be a good start.
In the mean time, I have to get on and get over it behind the scenes quietly.
It's their turn now to be great and it's important they are good healthy individuals in their relationships...time I hope will prove this.....
X
Affects of Cheating
Submitted by Anonymous on July 27, 2017 - 9:13am
Thank you for sharing. Those are very powerful words from your son. My ex husband has two beautiful little girls & my heart breaks for them everyday. I know it is abuse. And I know my ex husband's dad exposed him to the exact same thing at a young age. I'm really really happy to hear that not all sons follow in their father's destructive footsteps.
Read this
Submitted by Nicky on August 3, 2018 - 3:19am
Anonymous wrote:It's been a while since you posted this comment, but I'm just discovering this page.
I was married to a seriel adulterer, they do not change. It is a character flaw and without etensive help, they continue to act on their desires.
Ii hope you've left the situation by now and are experiencing a full and happy life. I stayed married for 24 years. A few of those years my ex lived the way he should...be he couldn't resist his nature.
Below I'm posting a letter my son wrote to Fathers...he posted on Facebook, the letter can also be found in my book. Let no one convince you that adultery doesn't have a painful ripple effect.
Fathers, Who do you think you are?
By: Garrett Able
Written yesterday at 4:17 PM, August 4, 2009
Fathers, who do you think you are?
Who are they exactly? Dad, Father, Pops, all these names are talking about the first true hero in our lives, the first real “Man”. As kids we are always saying, “My dad can beat up your dad!!!” And the rebuttal, “Well, MY dad can lift that car and put it on your dads head!”
As kids we are so in love with our fathers. As we grow older we become more and more like our fathers because our admiration towards them is more than we can understand. It is so strong sometimes, you take on every characteristic of your dad. And to a loving father, this is the greatest sign of admiration! Of an unconditional Love that runs so deep…the jelly sandwich he made you the night before last was the most amazing bit of food you ever ate. And the one tomorrow will be better even than THAT one. What I don’t understand, is why do some wish they had a better life?
I was seven when my dad showed me his better life. Instead of doing what most dads do and leave their family, my dad was sick minded enough to take me along. Her name was Lorraine*, she lived in Pine Log, not far from my house. My “Father”, my “Hero”, would take me “fishing” but before we got to the lake we would pick up this woman from the country corner gas station. She would then join us and once we got to the lake I would take my rod and fish while my father left me. I was seven. A child. Once he had his fill of filth he would retrieve me. Tell me, ‘don’t tell mom I had a friend.” This continued for the longest time, this secret life I was forced to share with my father, all the while I was there watching, listening and hurting. I was seven years old when I became a bigger man than my father. On the way to tennis practice, we all ended up at the country corner store one evening…my mom, me, my father and Lorraine. I turned to my mom and told her, ‘this is dads’ friend”. She asked me what I meant and hell broke loose in the store when I described the relationship between my dad and this woman. In front of me, my father denied what I said. In essence calling me a liar. My father broke my mothers’ heart through me because he didn’t have the balls to tell her himself.
This happened two more times, (that I’m aware of), the most recent was two weeks ago. I am 19 years old. Except I feel like I have been 25 since I was 12. My father had a wife who would NEVER leave him. A BEAUTIFUL wife, a loving daughter, and me. His “Buddy” he called me. I am successful, smart, funny, talented, loving, compassionate towards others…but he didn’t want me enough to stay, or any of us for that matter.
The Love that ran deep has only made a scar. I am nothing like my father. At twelve I knew I didn’t want to be like him. My hero died on the beach of Lake Allatoona.
So this is to you fathers out there: If you are faithful, stay that way. You will be rewarded greatly with Love and happiness and moments where your children want to squeeze you because they love you so much. And kisses from your wife that make you melt like it’s the first kiss you ever had. You will see your children grow and look at you like, “There is Superman, he is sitting right there in front of me…across the table and he is my Dad. MY dad.” Your daughters will mold who they want to LOVE out of you!!!! You, who cuts the lawn and drinks out of the jug of milk and chokes on it when your beautiful wife comes into the kitchen and catches you. DON’T LET THAT GO!!!!!!!!!!
To those of you who are not faithful, it’s time to rethink the pros and cons. YOU WILL BE DISCOVERED!!!! YOU WILL BE UNVIELED!!!! YOU WILL BE MADE TO LEAVE!!!!! Because you are WORTHLESS!!!!!
But I do Forgive him.
If you are tagged it’s because you either already know, can help my mother deal with this, or because I think you should know.
24 months and 10 years. they
Submitted by Anonymous on April 19, 2010 - 8:52pm
24 months and 10 years. they have no clue what's going on. He asked me to forgive him for all that he has done, but to me it came a little to late. Do I trust him no, but I had to learn that my happiness does not depend on him. I have forgiven him for myself because I allowed myself to be release from that bondage and I can now look towards the future without him and it feel great. I have my wheels in motion and I will continue to strive to be the best I can be and take care of my babies.
So...
Submitted by Mark D. White Ph.D. on April 19, 2010 - 9:00pm
...you have left him, then? I wasn't clear on that from the earlier comments.
My chief concern in such cases is always the children - I'm glad they're yours too. I don't mean to minimize the importance of taking care of yourself, of course, but hopefully you have other people on whom you can lean on for support and caring (whereas your children need you--and a healthy you at that).
I have left the relationship
Submitted by Anonymous on April 19, 2010 - 9:12pm
I have left the relationship emotionally, and I am in the process of making the move physically. The bond is definitely broken and not repairable and my concerns have been made known. I no longer focus on him just me and the children at this point. I'm not perfect in this relationship and I finally snapped and had an unplanned affair, after finding the email telling another woman she was the one he should have married. When he found out I didn't even care, so I know that emotionally there is nothing her for me anymore, do I believe his asking for forgiveness NO. I can't give him what he needs from a wife because of all that he has done and I don't expect him to be able to provide for me other than financial through child support
Cereal Adultery (yes... you read it right)
Submitted by Amber on April 20, 2010 - 12:45am
On a lighter note and to bring some levity....
I usually have Honey Bunches of Oats... this morning, the temptation was overwhelming, I couldn't cage my hidden desire anymore. It knew it would be so wrong, but I just knew it would feel so right. I ate the last of the sugary Froot Loops. The guilt is overwhelming. But, will I be able to resist the temptation again?
I, yes I, committed CEREAL adultery.
Totally Inappropriate- so, why am I still laughing?
Submitted by Janet on April 20, 2010 - 1:39am
I'm torn. First I laughed, then, in between the laughter I've been trying to say to myself that this comment was totally inappropriate for this forum. Yet, I'm still laughing! It was such an unexpected, off-the-wall comment that I keep laughing. So, maybe it isn't inappropriate. Maybe, that little bit of humor was exactly what I needed. I am still strong enough to laugh despite dealing with my husband's infidelity. Does it make his infidelity excusable? No, of course not. Does it make everything all better? No, not in the slightest. But, the unexpected laugh reminds me that I am strong and that I can get through anything.
Then all is good
Submitted by Mark D. White Ph.D. on April 20, 2010 - 6:20am
Great way to look at it (and I laughed too).
What's Wrong With You?!?!
Submitted by Tanya on April 20, 2010 - 2:00am
What's wrong with you?!!? If you were going to cheat on your Honey Bunches of Oats, you might as well have pulled out all of the stops and cheated with Lucky Charms. (Not that it would have made your "cereal adultery" right, but at least I could have understood your inability to withstand the temptation.)
I bet those Honey Bunches of Oats were loyally there for you every morning that you woke up. They were always there to support you and get your day started off right. You just threw it all away for a bowl of Fruit Loops?!?! What, did the Fruit Loops make you feel younger? Was it that the Fruit Loops were prettier with their multi-color hue? Those poor Honey Bunches of Oats: what did they do to deserve this?
just for the record, honey
Submitted by Jim on April 20, 2010 - 2:20am
just for the record, honey bunches of oats aren't healthy at all. in fact significantly more calories than frooty loops. but thanks for making me smile
Think of the CHILDREN!
Submitted by Kathy on April 20, 2010 - 7:15am
I suspect a crime of opportunity here...
If you knew you had a weakness for those sugary little loops, then WHY on earth did you have them around in the first place? I suspect that you dutifully eat the Honey Bunches of Oats, and that the Froot Loops are for the kids??? If this is the case, your guilt is overwhelming because you ate the last of the kids' cereal???
Those poor children. Your selfish appetite and lustful craving not only affected you, but your loved ones. I hope that somehow, someday, the kids will be able to forgive you and surmount the trauma that you subjected them to because of your selfish craving.
Shame. Shame. Shame.
Excellent Article
Submitted by Lynn on April 26, 2010 - 11:13am
I really feel as if this could have been written about my ex-husband. We were together almost 20 years...college sweethearts. He was my rescuer; helping me through college and settle into my career when my education was stalled. He meant the world to me. Trouble was, he was inherently unhappy with his career choices and ultimately, himself. I supported him through job changes, and a career in the military, and any and all hobbies he pursued. Meanwhile, I put my career on hold to raise our 2 children, one of whom is in the bipolar spectrum. While he was working on his master's degree, we hit rock bottom, or so I thought. We began counseling, only to have him turn around and have an emotional affair with a co-worker. More counseling...and a feeling like we made it back from the brink...and guess what he did four years later? Another emotional affair with an someone 16 years his junior. This time, I declared the marriage OVER and he wasn't even out of the house and couldn't contain his feelings for the girl. While we were going through the process of the divorce he carried on with her. Nice. So, after reading this article, it confirms to me: he has an incredible lack of character and I think the root of it is that he is a really unhappy person. I honestly feel that no matter what I did, or how hard I worked at it, he was still going to turn around and seek someone else. He is in love with being in love and has no idea what a mature love is. So, now he will rescue her (apparently she needed him more than I did) and then in another 5 years or so when she is "fixed" he will fall into the same pattern.
Meanwhile, I am left to pick up the pieces, raise my children, and try to figure out what in the world I did to help contribute to this, and how did I not know that apparently for the last 4 years of my marriage that my husband was miserable (his words)? I would love to see some more articles not only about cheaters (emotional or physical), but the ones who get left behind. Our recovery process is much longer than theirs...they've checked out while still in the marriage, while the spouse that gets left is still engaged in the relationship.
Thank you for sharing
Submitted by Mark D. White Ph.D. on April 26, 2010 - 11:29am
I think you're right - your husband definitely showed a pattern that reflected his underlying character (or lack thereof).
My advice (for what it's worth): don't waste time trying to figure out what you did to "contribute to this," or how you missed his "misery." Had he truly cared for and respected you, he would have reached out to you and asked you to help, not someone else. Now is the time to focus on your kids and yourself.
And thanks for the idea - my next post on this topic will probably be on the person who is cheated on, and I'll try to include those who were ultimately left as well.
Thank you for your advice...
Submitted by Lynn on April 26, 2010 - 12:05pm
Thank you for your advice... I think you are spot on. The kids and myself need and deserve 100% of my focus now. Had he really cared, he'd have done many things to reach out to me, and it's not as if he wasn't given appropriate outlets to do so. It doesn't take character or guts to just up and quit. I am trying to disengage from him now. We keep things just about the children now, but he keeps trying to be friendly, even though he has supposedly moved on, and moved in, with the girl.
I think one reason I didn't see his unhappiness was because I was trying so hard to keep the marriage together. I didn't realize then, just how much energy I was putting into him and his happiness. It's like a mental vacation to not concern myself with him anymore, but I have to make an almost conscious effort to do so. I'm getting there.
I will look forward to your next article!
This is also my story...
Submitted by Anonymous on March 5, 2012 - 3:50am
Lynn~
Thank you for sharing your story. My story is eerily the same with the exception of the children and number of years so I will not go into details.
I liked your comment
Submitted by AZ on February 9, 2014 - 6:19pm
I liked your comment especially the last paragraph.
We had similar experiences, my son was 8 years old at the time of our divorce. I picked up the pieces of my battered mind and 34 years later I am proud of myself my accomplishments and resiliency!
I am single and I love my competence in the resolution of life's hurdles.I will be celebrating 70 years on this earth this year .....
I was able to make sound decisions for myself and my loved ones.
My ex is nothing more to me now then a speck of dust, he proved to me time & time again in the past that he did not bond with me or our son. Sad he missed the opportunity but that was his choice.
The few times we had contact by phone or in person over the 34 years
his anger and frustration has shown a side of him that I wish not to object myself to. I am done!
I am an attractive, accomplished senior citizen with the world as my family. I will not be dominated by men's hormones and their expectations. My best to you in the recovery process.
I'm in the same boat
Submitted by Leen on July 24, 2016 - 7:32am
Two weeks ago my husband told me he didn't love me and that he's been having online affairs. He puts it down to being unfulfilled in our marriage although he says I was a good wife. I think it has to be a love addiction. I thought we had a wonderful marriage yet it was a lie. Now to be single after twenty years.
well I just discovered that
Submitted by Anonymous on April 27, 2010 - 9:37pm
well I just discovered that my husband who asked me to move foward in our relationship has an account on match.com and a yahoo.com account. I am disappointed but not surprised, my next step is to file for a divorce no separation is needed I don't want to come back to a repeat cheater. He is willing to go to counseling but we can't talk abou the past only the future...well April 23rd log in on match.com surely doesn't mean the past.
That's too bad...
Submitted by Mark D. White Ph.D. on April 28, 2010 - 6:33am
...but I think you're making the right decision. Put him in the past, and focus on yourself and your children going forward--he may be moving forward as well, but certainly not in the same direction.
how long does the hurt last?
Submitted by Anonymous on April 29, 2010 - 2:14pm
I am recently divorced and my ex-husband essentially left me for the other woman (yes he tried to say he wasn't and that he just couldn't be married but the reality of the situation is he wanted to be with her over me...he is in fact with her and has been since he left) I come back to your articles a lot because they seem to straddle the dilemma between moving on rationally and learning from the experience emotionally and giving the whole situation an honest examination thru an ethical lens. I know I married a giant man-child and a narcissist whose career and life starting taking off and he handled it all very badly (and will probably continue to do so for the rest of his life) but what about me? When can I expect to feel better? When can I expect to feel like me again? You know the person who is capable of giving and receiving love and confident enough to look for it?
I am tired of being miserable, of fixating on him and her. And I am very very tired of crying. My divorce was final in August and he bailed on February.
Find a new fixation
Submitted by Mark D. White Ph.D. on April 29, 2010 - 2:29pm
If, as you say, you are "capable of giving and receiving love and confident enough to look for it," then half the battle is won. You are not afraid of love or of getting hurt, and you're willing to put yourself out there--that's wonderful!
It sounds like the other half of the battle is "fixating on him and her." I'm sure you realize that you must stop that, but of course, it's difficult. You can't will yourself to forget something; it's self-defeating (like trying not to think of a pink elephant). The key is finding something else to fixate or focus on. The ideal would be a new relationship, which would both take your mind off "him and her" and fulfill your desires for intimacy and love. It sounds trite to say "find a hobby" or "find your passion," but an activity that occupies your mind (and perhaps helps you meet people) will help get your mind off the pain of the past.
You clearly want to move forward, but you have to cut the ties--even if they're mental or emotional ties--with the past with your ex. Once you do that, I believe you'll start to feel like yourself again.
(And thank you for the terrific compliment--it means so much to me.)
I just went through the same
Submitted by Anonymous on April 20, 2013 - 3:37pm
I just went through the same thing. How long does it last?
Serial Adultery
Submitted by Anonymous on May 1, 2010 - 9:53pm
I can empathize with being on the other end of serial cheating. My husband and I married in college after dating five years. About four years into the marriage, I came home to find that he had packed everything and left without telling anyone where he was going. He stayed gone for two weeks, during which time I discovered that he had been having multiple affairs with strippers. He finally had left with the intention of living with one of these women and her daughter. At that point, he told me that he was "in love" with her. After she found out he was married, she asked him to leave. We were separated for six months until he joined the military. At that point, he became very repentant of his actions and asked to come home. Until this incident, he had been a wonderful husband and my best friend, so I agreed. We resumed our marriage and eventually had a daughter.
After 4 years, I again discovered that he was having an affair and was "in love" with someone else. She too discovered that he was married and ended this relationship. He left home and went through two more relationships ("in love" with both) before remarrying 2 days after our divorce.
During both occasions that he strayed, he accumulated excessive amounts of credit card debt (20,000 the first time, over 45,000 the second time) on multiple women.
I admit my contribution to a difficult marriage, including difficulty forgiving him for the 1st set of affairs. My question is, will he now be faithful to his new wife? Was it just our relationship and interaction that led to his actions? Or is something in him that will cause him to always seek that thrill?
Well...
Submitted by Mark D. White Ph.D. on May 2, 2010 - 6:06am
...if the only thing (or even main thing) you did "wrong" in the marriage was have trouble forgiving him for the first "set of affairs" (not just one affair, but the entire "set" of them), then I would imagine that the problem is definitely with him, not you, and that he will cheat on his new wife. (I'm led to believe this also by the fact that his early affairs were with strippers--not women he happened to meet and then fall in love with, but women he sought out for a specific purpose, presumably more carnal than romantic!)
Should you tell the wife?
Submitted by Anonymous on August 17, 2010 - 2:22am
Good article Mark!
So, if you know someone is a serial adulterer and is currently having another affair, would it be better to tell his wife? Is it better for her to know? Better for him perhaps? What about the longterm effects on his daughters? Will they be more likely to choose an adulterous husband because of their own father's behaviour? Rather like children of alcoholics?
What advice would you give to the new woman in his life?
Wow, great questions!
Submitted by Mark D. White Ph.D. on August 17, 2010 - 7:43am
And I don't have any quick, easy answers, but I'll try to take these up in a blog post soon - thanks!
serial adultery
Submitted by Anonymous on August 22, 2010 - 8:52pm
I FINALLY found an article on serial adultery! I thoroughly enjoyed it, even emailed it to myself to reread later.
I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 16 years. He got involved with a good friend of ours while I was in the hospital delivering our 4th baby prematurely. This other woman was married at the time, and our daughters competed on the same team. "Delila" and I were good friends. She was, however involved with our girls' coach, and was sleeping with one of the girls' dads, too. His divorce was final in January. I also know that she moved to my town after sleeping with her neighbor and causing his divorce, too. Her own divorce was final last September.
My husband's affair started as an emotional dependency, with 24/7 texting and calls, sleeping with his cell phone in his hand, 'loading his truck' at midnight, being a 'good friend,' spending hours in the basement alone with his cellphone, special lunches together...He called her his best friend, told me how sometimes he felt nothing for me or our kids. During this time he lost 50 pounds, got a new job, a new truck and an awesome cell phone and started being gone at night, while for the past 15 years he's been asleep on the couch by 8 and in bed by 9. He also was diagnosed with an essential tremor, and his girlfriend the pharmacist fills his prescriptions for him (with what I'd like to know!)
He wanted to be a father to 'Delila's' daughters, even though their dad lives a block away. He had her girls at my house constantly, even took them out to lunch when there was no school, and never thought to include our own kids who are 14, 11, 9 and 2 now. He has been living with them since last May.
What legal action can be taken against a serial adulteress? How many ex-wives does it take for a class action suit? Delila maliciously and willfully destroyed my marriage and numerous others. How do we explain her to our children? She was their friend, we had BBQ's together, travelled to meets together, and she tore our family apart. Eternal punishment isn't enough; they aren't even embarrassed.
I want to protect my children from her, but how can I? The court says that becauses she isn't a child molester, there's nothing I can do. Step 3 in her "How to Break Up Marriages" handbook is to go after the dad through the children. How many times did she call to talk to my then 7 year old son and invite him over to play? What 40 year old woman does that?
Their social circle hasn't changed, and I wish they were outcasts.
You're describing a female
Submitted by Abigail on July 6, 2012 - 6:24pm
You're describing a female sociopath.
Yes, how does one change the laws, in order to make people like her (and your ex-husband) accountable for the pain and suffering they cause?
Serial Adultery
Submitted by Anonymous on April 12, 2012 - 7:47pm
I want to thank you for your article. This is my first time posting to an online blog and I am a bit nervous because most of the postings are from spouses that have been cheated on. I am a woman, a wife and mother. My husband and I have been married for 24 years and we have two beautiful, healthy children and I would say a very typical middle class life. 10 years ago I had my first affair and I believe that I do have a defect of character as I am a serial adultress. This character defect is like a ball and chain. I have been in therapy for many years. I am a functioning member of society. I have raised two wonderful children. One in college and the other a junior in high school. I have tried over and over again to be a good, committed, spouse. I will go for periods of time, even up to a year or more, without cheating and then pulled back in. My husband is a good man. He does not abuse me. I think I should never have married. And one day I know I will have to do the responsible thing and leave my marriage. I don't know if there is any hope for me. I know I will never marry again because I don't think I am capable of being in a committed exclusive relationshipe. Your article helped me to put a name to what I am. It is an ugly, destructive, character flaw.
it's a pity...
Submitted by Anonymous on November 18, 2012 - 8:46pm
...no one responded to your post. i guess it's 2 years too late. but brave of you to say what you said. don't hate yourself. no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. over and over...some of us do it. but i think being honorable is best and facing up to consequences might help you feel better about this. be brave. you are not condemned. 24 years is a long time. it isn't a defect of character. but maybe you are just missing something. just because your husband treats you well doesn't mean it's what you need.
the only way you can make it right is to be honest. being an adult is living up to our mistakes. there is something lacking somewhere. something changed 10 years ago. but you know, i think most things are temporary so you should think about that. relationships change because people change. maybe you just changed.
Serial Adultery
Submitted by Anonymous on November 18, 2012 - 11:05pm
I am offended by your almost complete lack of gender neutrality with your repeated use of the male pronoun. I am a victim of a serial adulterer and SHE, along with her feminist-empowered "sisters" are furthering the moral decline of society and the nuclear family.
This is not to in any way deflect any responsibility on those men of poor character who themselves engage in serial adultery; this behavior is equally to blame for the decline of moral society.
But please! Poor character is not limited to a single sex.
Well...how long does the hurt last?
Submitted by Anonymous on December 2, 2013 - 1:56pm
In my case it's been 6 years. I found out my marriage was over when I caught my ex sneaking off to a motel room with a coworker.
He had just recovered from an awful life threatening cancer and I took care of him for 2 years as a very sick man. He insisted we renew out wedding vows on our anniversary so we did. Two months later he started an affair with her. He told me I was his 2nd wife but I was his 5th! He cheated on every one of them. He is still with the other woman and I despise her. I don't care for him much either.
I honestly never saw it coming. I thought he was madly in love with me and he even married me twice.
Some things you never get over and that kind of betrayal almost killed me. I ended up in the hospital with a 'broken heart.' He was at a Mariners game in Seattle with her at the time...on a 'holiday.'
From where I'm sitting it looks like they have a real nice life. They both got great jobs at an Ivy League college on the east coast and she bought a house on the ocean for them.
Adultery and addiction combined.
Submitted by Anonymous on July 16, 2014 - 5:04am
I dated my husband for four years and was married 41 years when I finally had enough and filed for divorce. It's funny how you ignore all the signs, especially when your husband puts on this great act of piety. The week after I had come back from moving my last child out of the house, I found my husband's emails to his mistress, He had been cheating for a year right under my ignorant nose. This doesn't count the step clubs for the 5 years prior. We tried counseling after.he had been out of the house for three months. A year later, I found his secret phone and he had continued to carry on his affair under the guise "he was just helping her; being a father figure you know." Turns out she wasn't the first. After that he went off the deep end. He still wanted to reconcile for a while but that ended when he moved in with a single guy at the beach. Finally I gave my requirements for reconciliation to which he announced that he was a different person now and didn't want to change. I then filed for divorce. Since then, his girlfriend has dumped him and also sued him for harassment. Mixed in with all this is alcoholism. For most of our marriage he was an alcoholic. Now re swears he loves me again, or should I say has always loved me and wants to come home. I have continued with my divorce. He is really trying hard to get me back, but i don't see any change I his behavior.
My question, can he change , what will it take and what does it look like behavior wise.
He won't change. Save
Submitted by Anonymous on July 16, 2014 - 6:42am
He won't change. Save yourself the heartbreak.
At his age, it will take
Submitted by Abigail on July 16, 2014 - 3:05pm
At his age, it will take years of intensively hard work on his behalf, to regenerate new neural pathways and the new thought patterns necessary to change behavior over the long term. Add in he's damaged his brain with years of alcohol.
The rules change and do a 180 when there's abuse involved. Alcohol abuse is one abuse. Adultery is a deep deep emotional abuse and abuse of trust.
He can't change if he hasn't thoroughly worked the steps in a program like AA. Any other attempts at therapy are useless if he's still using alcohol. Built into AA is the alcohol user taking full responsibility for his or her own actions, and stop blame shifting to others for their behavior.
Don't beat yourself up for not knowing he was conducting affairs under your nose. People (especially women) are socialized to hyper focus on the good in others (there's a tiny bit of good in even the most evil people), and self-entitled liars and manipulators know this and take advantage of it. I have no way of knowing he, in particular, is that manipulative. My point is to help you stop blaming yourself.
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