To Heal, Open Up to the Messiness of Human Emotions

Even if you’re pretty even-keeled, like me, it’s likely that every once in a while strong emotions take you by surprise. How do you respond? In this post, I write a personal story about learning how to be more self-compassionate in the face of strong emotions, and how doing so helped me grow.

In 2022, I divorced the man I had loved deeply. Given what was going on, it wasn’t a difficult decision, though going through the process of divorce was tremendously painful. This story is from that period.

One day I had to go to my now-ex’s house to get a signature and found myself reeling from unexpected grief that welled up inside me. Quite literally, I found myself standing in his driveway, papers in hand, with tears streaming down my face, my nose running in a most unflattering way. We had been at the "getting divorced" thing long enough that this suddenly overwhelming sadness was a huge surprise and, quite frankly, somewhat confusing.

Therapists, of course, are great at helping one sort through this exact sort of thing and, as it happens, I had an appointment with mine later that morning. What light could she shed to help me process this? The conversation we had was relevant enough that I thought it was worth sharing.

“You tend to have a picture of how you should be,” she started. “It’s part of what can be difficult for you.”

I would guess that many of you have a vision of who you are in the world and that vision helps you (and me) act in ways that make us unique and wonderful. Personally, I see myself positively—as strong, resilient, emotionally mature, thoughtful, and more. When something happens that goes against that image of myself, like suddenly breaking into tears of grief in that driveway, it’s really hard to process the discord it creates. So hard to process, in fact, that it was tempting to write it all off and just escape thinking about it. “Wow! What was that all about?” I could have said. “That’s not really who I am!’

Though, of course, it is who I really am because I had just done it.

And this is where having that strong image of myself hurt. Holding myself to that image—thinking that strong and resilient is how I should (always) be—pushes away the messiness of what it means to be human and complex and real. And it blocks my ability to be self-compassionate in moments when I might really need it. Giving myself that compassion is an important part of healing and loving myself fully, which is critical for healing.

My ex hurt me. Really, really hurt me. And seeing him led to my re-experiencing some of that hurt. The way the brain works, thinking about that trauma was something like experiencing it in real-time. In that moment, the most self-compassionate thing to do would have been to just stop and look inside myself and say, “I just got hurt again. I feel vulnerable. What comfort do I need?”

There are, of course, destructive ways to comfort oneself. Alcohol and other substance use come to mind, as does offloading your pain onto another person with blame or anger instead of owning it yourself. Or, as I did, getting a hug from the very person who hurt you. (Bleh! Old habits die hard. I wouldn’t dream of doing that anymore!)

I’m recommending you go with the constructive, instead.

I learned something important that day about being human. Life is messy and we are messy and that’s OK.

In addition to allowing myself to relax into all of the emotions I feel, including the difficult ones, there are two broad types of actions that I use to constructively "take care of myself." (You may well have others, too.) The first is physical exercise, such as biking, strength training, walking, and the like. Physical exercise is a known mood regulator, and the activity takes care of my body and helps me feel good throughout the day. The second way I take care of myself is by creating "emotional comfort." First and foremost, I look inside myself and give myself a proverbial hug. It’s a good thing to give empathy and support to the part of you that feels broken. Then there are emotional comfort things I do. Some examples include curling up under a blanket in a comfy chair with my cats, reflecting through journaling, taking a contemplative walk by myself, or relaxing in a warm tub and allowing my emotions to flow through me, to name a few. Gratitude journaling is also useful—reminding myself that there is more to my life than a single encounter, and most of it is really quite good.

Certain friends can also help me find emotional comfort, as can my therapist. For some, a special partner can do the same. Though when it comes to strengthening self-love, finding compassion within myself, rather than with another person, is the path I prefer to take.

Learning to be more accepting of, and compassionate about, all of the emotions I feel has been a huge area of growth for me in the last couple of years. It has been genuinely freeing to open up to the many surprises I may hold inside myself. Do you have an image of how you should be that might be getting in your way? Would you benefit from learning to love the sloppily human and messy parts of you when they appear?