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Infertility
The Support Person's Guide to IVF
Personal Perspective: 10 things every person going through IVF wishes you knew.
Updated October 24, 2024 Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Key points
- IVF is an isolating journey and a supportive community is crucial.
- The hopelessness that coincides with infertility can be softened by a listening ear.
- Sometimes being supportive is less about knowing the facts, more about holding space.
- Here are 10 "to the point" things every IVF patient wishes you knew.
IVF is every hopeful mother's worst nightmare and greatest blessing. The process is filled with endless twists and turns that may lead to utter shock and devastation, or provoke a level of joy that has never been known before. While there is one identified "IVF patient", that very same person is likely being held up by an army of loyal soldiers who feel incredibly lost themselves. There is no single way to love and support someone going through IVF because their needs change constantly and each person requires a unique type of companionship.
The follow list offers a glimpse into the ruminating thoughts and unspoken needs that so many IVF patients experience day-to-day; moment-to-moment. The infertility journey tests nearly every human emotion and puts an incredible strain on relationships of every kind. I know this because I lived it for nearly two years.
From my bedside to your heart, here are my notes from when I was in the thick of it...
1. Please stop implying infertility is my fault
When you tell me that if I just relax, it will happen, you are implying my mood is causing my infertility. This is simply not true and not evidenced-based. When you tell me to stop trying and it will happen, you are implying that it’s my desire to be a Mom that is getting in the way of me being a Mom. This is also not true and not evidenced-based. Babies have been conceived during a sexual assault. Many couple conceive on their first month of “trying”. Why do I have to follow different rules? I feel isolated enough and comments like this, while well intended, are even more ostracizing.
2. My partner needs you, too
While the injections are entering into my body, my partner is standing beside me, helplessly wishing he could do more. I can only imagine how paralyzing this must feel. Please check in on him (or her), too.
3. I still want to celebrate you
It’s true that sometimes seeing a woman with a beautifully protruding belly pulls at my heart strings. It's devastating and inspiring. I am reminded of how magical this journey must be for others, and may be for me, too. My love and warmth for others is not lost. Please do not hide your good news from me. Share it with me as you would before my IVF journey began. I want to feel included and a part of your celebration.
4. My schedule is busy
Did you know we have to go to the doctor sometimes daily? Appointments start bright and early and are unpredictable day to day. It’s hard to commit to weekend plans when we have a ball and chain tying us to the doctor’s office. I've missed weddings, vacations, work. The appointments are non-negotiable because they have to be in order for the process to move forward.
5. Whoa. This is expensive.
Insurance coverage for IVF treatment and medications is rare. Costs for medication alone can be over 10k. The treatment can bring the total upwards of 20K. This impacts people in all sorts of way, but if your loved one is going through IVF, chances are their finances are taking a hit.
6. I have a temperamental relationship with hope
Rarely is IVF ever the first step in trying to conceive. Often, it’s the greatest leap of faith after many previously failed attempts at starting a family. “It will happen, just be patient,” is a phrase often heard and repeated. I am with you, I hope it happens, too, but sometimes I am really afraid it won’t. And I might need you to hold space for that, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
7. I’ve already tried that
The internet is full of blogs and articles with tireless information on how to improve my chances of fertility. Sometimes I may want to hear your idea, but most likely I’ve heard it before and it hasn’t worked for me. So, next time, just ask me if I’m open to suggestions because it’s gets tiring to smile and nod.
8. If I’ve been quiet, please check in
This is a wildly isolating experience. While the support groups are endless, at the end of the day, when the world quiets down, our thoughts can be unbearable. There is no camaraderie strong enough to eradicate the grief of a child not yet had. So, when we are quiet, there’s a chance those thoughts are louder and we feel particularly alone. Just check in, say hello, ask me if I’m okay and remind me it’s okay to not be okay.
9. I want to have fun
IVF is all consuming. It takes my money, my time, and hijacks my hormones. What a monster! With good intention. Sometimes it would be really nice to have a day of distraction and joy that reminds me I already have enough. Your love for me is more important than you could ever imagine and chances are you know how to make me smile.
10. Please stand up for me
There is taboo, gossip, and judgment that surround infertility. I know this because I’ve participated in it. Before my IVF journey, I too had my judgments about why someone wasn’t getting pregnant. The reality is that this is a mysterious and wildly complicated process. I know people talk about me when I’m not there. So, if you are up for it, please stand up for me. Remind them it’s not my fault and infertility is more common than we realize.
To the person reading this, the loyal soldier carrying their loved one through their darkest days, thank you. We need you.
