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We all know that children commonly get anxious at times, especially in our world being turned upside-down in this pandemic. Anxiety for kids can occur when facing school demands, managing social pressures, dealing with family members, or struggling with self-esteem. When children are too emotionally distressed to focus, listen, and meaningfully interact, however, this level of anxiety can severely impact their lives, now and as teens and adults.
As I discuss in my latest book, The Anxiety, Depression, & Anger Toolbox for Teens, ironically, the worst part of anxiety is having anxiety about the anxiety itself. The metaphor of a snowball being rolled down a hill is one that I use to illustrate how unchecked anxiety rapidly grows.
According to the National Institutes of Health, nearly 1 in 3 of all adolescents ages 13 to 18 will experience an anxiety disorder. These numbers have been rising steadily, with anxiety disorders in children and teens up 20 percent in recent years.
This rise in anxiety is a real problem for our youth. Chronic anxiety can lead to serious mental health problems—depression, substance use, and even suicide. It can interfere with the ability to focus and learn, causing school problems that can have a lifelong negative impact.
How We Can Help Them
Children can learn to cope with anxiety by learning two crucial skills: calming down and solving problems. In my opinion, these are the two most crucial skills for all of us to function and thrive in our world. Below are three techniques incorporating both calming down and problem-solving skills that I use with children and their parents to help children manage anxiety:
1. Model Mindfulness and Self-Compassion.
Mindfulness exercises help children develop concentration, self-awareness, and the ability to relax. The more children can learn to focus on comforting images and sensations, the less they will focus on their anxiety. I like to help children learn mindfulness in a fun way. One way I do this is to have them imagine squeezing the juice out of a lemon. Another calming visualization is to focus on a flickering candle.
Help children acknowledge mistakes and talk to themselves kindly about errors. If they are stuck and say, “I don’t know,” then have them share what they would say to a friend. Often compassion is more easily expressed with friends than ourselves. Learning self-compassion is an essential skill for reducing anxiety in children. Research shows that self-compassion lowers anxiety and actually increases the chances of success.
2. Prime Those Transition Pumps.
Regular routines give a sense of control to both parent and child. Anxious children do not cope well with a disorganized, spontaneous family lifestyle. Children prone to anxiety generally find transitions difficult: e.g., transitions from home to school—including online learning. For those kids, physically attending school and struggling with avoidance-related anxiety, I recommend driving them to school and simulating going in at least once on the weekend to keep the awareness of the routine strong.
Some kids benefit, within reason, from extra “warm-up” time. It really is OK to arrive at places early (online or in-person ones) to have a chance to feel ready ahead of time.
3. Encourage Saying “Nevertheless” (or “I Will Do It Anyway”).
The word “nevertheless” helps combat discouragement and turns potentially disastrous days into productive ones. It's good for your child’s self-esteem. Here’s how to coach your child with it:
- Yeah, it did not go well when I was playing video games with those friends. Nevertheless, I am going to keep playing and maybe hang back just a little. I will say less just to let things settle down. And if that does not help, maybe it'll be best to find some other kids to play with.
- I am going to fail this test; it is no use studying. Nevertheless, I have a better chance to pass if I try.
- I made an error last week in baseball; nevertheless, I'm going to work on my fielding in practice.
It is my hope that these above strategies will be helpful in coaching your child to lower anxiety. For persistent problems please consult a qualified mental health professional.
