The Painful Experiences of Alienated Grandparents

The prototypical image of a grandparent is usually a smiling, approving older adult who radiates warm fuzzies towards a grandchild. Unfortunately, for many grandparents, this image is only a reflection of a deeply held fantasy as they were kept from contact with their grandkids. While finding out the exact number of alienated grandparents is not doable, especially due to the level of shame that they carry with them regarding their broken relationship with their child and grandchildren. However, as increasing numbers of adults choose to “disown,” or estrange themselves from, their parents, the number of alienated grandparents can only increase (Coleman, 2024).

Unfortunately, fulfilling the grandparent role through a warm and loving relationship with a grandchild is a deeply treasured goal that estrangement can block indefinitely. There is a special term for the loss that is experienced; it’s considered ambiguous loss. This refers to a non-death loss that reflects the physical absence or inaccessibility of a person while that person is still alive. Anticipated relationships and experiences are denied, and this leads to compromised well-being.

There are a baker’s dozen different basic alienation tactics used against grandparents to keep them separated from their grandchildren. In a research study that explored the experiences of 551 alienated grandparents (Degges-White et al., 2024), the frequency of these tactics was explored, and these were the findings.

Which Alienation Tactic is Most Frequently Experienced?

• 95% Being denied access to information about your grandchildren
• 94% Parent controlling contact between children and grandparents
• 86% Manipulations against you to limit your time with your grandchildren
• 78% Emotional manipulation of grandchildren by their parent
• 77% Social media blackout—by adult child and grandchildren
• 74% Denigration of you by your adult child
• 72% False allegations made against you by your adult child
• 60% Rejection of gifts or cards you’ve sent to your grandchildren
• 51% Secret keeping from you by your grandchildren at their parents’ request
• 47% Interrogation of your grandchildren after having spent time with you
• 43% Threatening correspondence from your adult child
• 31% Disrespect of you by your grandchildren at their parents’ urging

It was also revealed that the types of alienation that most damage a person’s well-being were the brainwashing of a grandchild against the grandparent; denigration by an adult child; having false allegations made against the grandparent by an adult child; threatening correspondence from an adult child; being denied information about grandchildren; and disrespect from a grandchild at their parent’s urging. And it’s no real surprise that the greater the number of tactics experienced, the greater the toll it took on life satisfaction. In a regression analysis calculation, it was found that four things predict overall well-being: a grandparent’s relationship status, their age, experiencing having had grandchildren brainwashed against them, and being denied access to information about a grandchild.

The presence of a partner mitigated the damage alienation caused to well-being – having someone who shares your experience and supports you in times of distress can be greatly healing. Also, as people age, they grow increasingly aware of their own mortality. Jung called it a shift in time perspective – around midlife, people no longer look ahead to the future with a sense of endless possibility. They now look ahead with an eye to determining what they still have time left to accomplish. Knowing that time is finite, the obstruction on their path to active grandparenthood can be especially devastating.

Does Help-Seeking Ease the Pain?

Over 500 of the participants had sought some form of professional help whether it was through counseling, through their church or pastor, or through self-help groups (Degges-White et al., 2024). Grandparents seeking reunification are often disappointed that this is not an “easy fix” situation. They begin to realize, however, that counseling can provide a sense of validation, strategies for dealing with their pain and heartache, coping skills to manage anxiety-provoking situations, and normalizing their experiences and reactions.

For many such situations, reaching a place of acceptance of the circumstances you cannot change is a primary goal. Counseling can help minimize self-blame by validating a person’s experiences and helping them to see that they are not at fault. As one person stated, “counseling was more about acceptance of the loss. Experiencing grief at the loss of my husband was difficult, yet this grief is the most difficult.” Counselors can recognize the depth of a grandparent’s pain and help them develop ways to honor their grandchild, if from a distance, and find positive ways to manage their emotions.

Grandparent alienation is a growing issue as the “grandparent boom” mushroomed between 2001 and 2018 (Nelson-Kakulla, 2019), and increasing numbers of adults actively disengage from their parents. Learning to recognize one’s own part in any relational conflict is important as it helps you recognize the situations that you may have the power to transform and the ones that you cannot change.

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If you would like to share your own experiences for this ongoing study, please follow follow this link.

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