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This is part 2 of a 5 part series by Divorce Attorney Angie Hallier and Professional Certified Life Coach Victoria Crawford on how incorporating a coach in the process of divorce will benefit both you and your divorce.
Victoria:
The first step we discussed was the ability to be with the change and to manage the unpredictable and at times overwhelming emotions that often come up during a divorce. See the first article at the link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/life-after-divorce/navigating-thro…. Self-awareness and self-management help you prepare for the 2nd step: intention.
Intention is defined as a desire to act or “be” in a certain way. It's a form of mental resolve that focuses attention and engages will and motivation. It answers the question, what do you want? This is not what you say you want or tell others you want, but instead, your intention is what you really want.
For example, if you say that you want a respectful divorce and yet when asked by others you speak poorly about your spouse, your intention is not about respect. It may be about blame, wanting people to choose sides or placing guilt, but it’s not respect.
When you are willing to examine and choose your intentions, you will be empowered. Intentions are empowering because they help you stay centered, responsive and strong hearted. They come from your freedom to make a choice. YOU choose and YOU decide how you intend to be, respond and conduct yourself.
Here are some questions that will help to uncover your intentions about the divorce. Be honest and listen to what is true for you.
- How do you want to speak to your children, family and others about the divorce?
- How do you want to listen and act around your ‘soon to be’ former spouse?
- How do you want to spend your time with your lawyer?
- What is most important to you? What are your values?
- How will you deal with disagreements and conflict as they arise?
Write your answers and then pay attention and notice the way you interact and how you speak with others about the divorce. Do your actions match your intentions? If so, great! If not, it will be beneficial to re-examine your intentions.
When you work with a coach alongside your divorce lawyer, you have a powerful team. Your coach will help you uncover hidden motivations, clarify your intentions, and share practical tools and techniques for support. This will help you stay centered and clear as you go through the process. Then, when you meet with your divorce attorney, you will be ready to focus on the task at hand and become more confident as you move forward.
Angie:
Becoming clear on your intentions and accepting that your future might not be what you thought it would be allows you to start focusing on the process of your divorce. Rather than hide from your divorce, this increased concentration and clarity reveals how important it is to your future that you be an active participant alongside your attorney, and act intentionally rather than reactively. It allows you and your attorney to sit in the “divorce room” and engage in meaningful conversations about critical issues while you keep most of your emotions in the “emotion room”. And you are able to keep your composure when you need to be in an actual room with your soon to be ex.
This enables you to focus your energies on the tasks that are important in your divorce and to your future, such as:
- To read everything that comes in or goes out in your case – both from your own attorney and your soon to be ex’s attorney and you ask for an explanation if you don’t understand something
- To begin to brainstorm with your attorney every important question you need to have answered to make divorce decisions
- To start to look at how money was spent during your marriage, and begin to create a budget for yourself after divorce, based on the reality of spending during your marriage and the understanding that certain budget items may need to change in the future
By working with a coach you become more conscious about how your words, behaviors, and attitudes can and will impact your divorce – for good or for bad – and then as you work with your attorney you will act, and think with this strategic awareness in mind. This combination will empower and strengthen you as you go forward.
