The Kindest Gift Is Acceptance

During this winter season, we are probably all encountering family members and friends who don’t cross our paths daily. For some, this is a reason to feel elation, joy, and happiness. But let’s be honest, for some of us, it can also be a season of disappointment, sadness, and even regret. I used to love the holidays. Coming from a large Mexican-American family, the tradition of making tamales, gathering for a

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multi-generational celebration, and watching all the love completely express itself was the highlight of my year. I was glad to welcome my children into our annual traditions and watch them enjoy the rituals of my ancestors and the beauty of a large family. However, this is the part of the story where I remind myself, “Nothing stays the same.”

Relationships change. Several years ago, something happened in my life that I thought never would. I got divorced. This was one of those “mutually laying down” divorces that are polite and without contempt. We navigated through this profound change in our 20-year relationship with mutual respect and kindness. However, that doesn’t mean that we escaped the pain and sorrow of breaking apart our household, as we did our best to maintain the connection with our family, which included our three boys. There is no way to save the dream that is shattered by divorce nor the fact that it changes our connections to each other. When I reflect on this, I ask:

Can I accept that relationships change?

Generations pass away. Simultaneously, a few other things happened. Members of the World War II generation of my family are dying, with our family losing several precious ones every year. This year my grandmother, who is 95, can’t make it to the gathering, and we will each in turn go visit her. I think this is the first year no one from her generation will be able to attend tamale making. As I pause in gratitude for what that generation brought to our family, I also ask:

Can I accept that people I love are no longer with me?

Children become adults. The last piece of the puzzle that has changed my holidays is my kids growing up and moving into their own lives. The holidays with small children running about, eagerly anticipating presents and watching White Christmas on TV are long gone and replaced by young men who are kind enough to come home to visit their mom. Their height and demeanor are clear reminders that an era of smallness has passed and won’t be back again. I look at their strong and wise faces and ask myself:

Can I accept the beautiful and sometimes challenging growth of the people I love?

Time. Physicists understand that nothing grows without change. As we navigate our lives, I find it is helpful to acknowledge that there is a tension created between wanting to hold tight to the relationships, people, and times that felt stable and safe in our past and fully accepting what is before us at this moment, which can be equally full of love and grace. Ultimately, the holiday season calls us to ask:

Can I accept the passage of time and all it brings to my life?

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There is evidence from research on happiness, mindfulness, and the field of positive psychology that when we accept what is, we begin to feel present and open to the gifts before us, and can even have greater well-being (Viane et al., 2003; Hansen, 2013). We can let go of thinking about what is missing and instead focus on what is here. All this leads me to conclude:

The kindest gift we can give to ourselves and others today is acceptance.