Affinity Seeking in Families or Do You Like Me?

I am embarrassed to admit that I am currently sucked into an Australian teen dance drama…Amazon Prime makes suggestions, and I follow. Dance Academy follows the experiences of a group of high school students at the National Academy of Dance in Sydney, Australia. The students live in dorms where they learn about life, relationships, and dance. What’s not to like?

“When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.” –Wayne Dyer

After being in the field of family science for about 15 years, I tend to view most media through a family science lens; Dance Academy is no exception. On one episode (Season 2, Episode 16), Christian (Jordan Rodrigues) takes a road trip to where his father – who abandoned him as a baby – lives. He casually strolls into his father’s (Raf) surf shop. They meet, they talk, they surf…Christian explains his feelings about how he felt abandoned and angry, but they also seem to hope for a connection, which we see through their attempts at making future plans. Fast forward to later in the season and series, and the viewer would have seen their many tentative steps to establishing a relationship. How do two strangers create a relationship where there previously was none? How do they do this successfully?

“To the ones that still believe in their dreams: Chase them. Chase them until you’re out of breath. Then, keep running.” –Sydney Leroux

Christian and Raf had no prior relationship when they first met, so they had no idea what their likes, hopes, and dreams are or were. When they first spent time together, they both had to learn who the other was while also figuring out what kind of relationship they were going to have. As a way to create a relationship where none previously existed, they used what are known as affinity seeking behaviors; strategies used to create relationships. As defined by Robert Bell and John Daly, affinity seeking is used “to get people to like and to feel positive towards them.” Most research about affinity seeking is to understand its functioning, how teachers use it in their classrooms, its role on social media, or in stepfamilies. But...can estranged family also engage in these behaviors as they navigate new relationships? It would seem Christian and Raf do.

We get to witness the new father-son relationship in a variety of scenes. In one, we see Christian and his father surfing together (S2E16). In another, they are repairing a motorcycle, and another shows Christian skipping dance class to spend time with his father (S2E18). These could be classified as "tactics" that combine to create a “strategy.” In this case, Raf's strategy might be to come off as a fun friend-type dad. His tactics would help him meet his strategy. Bell and Daly explain that we often don't engage in affinity seeking by accident but generally have some purpose or goal. We could assume both Christian and Raf have a similar goal: to become closer.

Their strategies, especially at the beginning of their relationship, are low-risk. It was safe for them to connect while surfing and fixing cars since it's no secret they like both. As their relationship develops, so do their affinity seeking behaviors (e.g., Raf is emotionally and physically available to Christian after a friend's death).

We could borrow their tactics when we're wanting to establish a new relationship but are afraid of potential rejection. If we have less confidence in our abilities to make a connection, we may want to do some research on what the other person's preferences are before making plans. Bell and Daly explain that affinity seeking can be fairly deliberate. We may want to carefully think about what we'll discuss, where we'll go, or what we'll do in order to be successful in our affinity seeking attempts, similar to Christian and Raf. Then, based on new knowledge about the other person, we can try additional affinity seeking behaviors.

Creating a relationship where there previously was none is difficult, yet by thinking strategically, we can begin the affinity seeking process.