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Do those abusers behave really nice for the victim's around people? I think my uncle who has a great reputation for devotional attitude and kindness uses the tactic. Cause i have been told that he sometimes insults and abuses ( not in a physical way ) his wife and son.
Source: Liz Bannish, used with permission
Isolation. Threats. Humiliation. Sometimes even physical abuse. These are the weapons of coercive control, a strategy used by some people against their intimate partners. A relationship that should involve loving support ends up as a trap designed for domination.
Although coercive control can show up in a variety of relationships, the most common is one in which a man uses coercive control against his wife or girlfriend. However, people of any gender and orientation can be victims or victimizers.*
People subject to coercive control grow anxious and afraid. Coercive control strips away their independence, sense of self, and basic rights, such as the right to make decisions about their own time, friends, and appearance.
Many men who use coercive control also abuse partners physically or sexually, but some use coercive control without physical violence. Outsiders may not be able to see the signs of coercive control in a couple; those who use it are often quite charming.
(Do you know someone who is being controlled in this way? Do you wonder if your relationship is too controlling? Here’s a checklist from my book, Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship.)
Victims of coercive control often feel like hostages. Over time, being grilled, criticized, stalked, and monitored may seem routine and inescapable. Victims often blame themselves as they feel despairing and disoriented. It’s easy for a person in this position to lose confidence and accept a partner’s view of reality. They may feel confused as they are told again and again that they themselves have triggered their partner’s behaviors by doing something "wrong." At the same time, to keep the peace, victims may suppress their own desires, silence their voices, and detach from loved ones.
Unfortunately, victims often do not see the connection between their partner’s control and their own isolation until time has passed. Losing self-confidence and close relationships at the same time can be paralyzing.
People who get caught in the web of a controlling person are no different from others. They just have the bad luck to become involved with an abuser at a time when they are especially vulnerable.
Typically, an abuser will lavish attention on a woman at the beginning of the relationship. Over time, he becomes jealous, monitors her whereabouts, and restricts her interactions with others. His partner thinks the original “helpful man” is the “real” him, and if she does things right, he’ll go back to being wonderful again. At times he may indeed act loving, if this seems like the best way to maintain his control. Loving acts become another controlling tactic.
Once a controlling man has caught a woman in his web, he will do everything he can to prolong the relationship. Sometimes he will threaten, stalk, assault, or even murder her if she leaves or he suspects she’s trying to leave. For this reason, even if there is no physical violence it is important for a person who is being controlled to contact a domestic violence agency and devise a safety plan.
Only a couple of decades ago, society named and recognized the problems of sexual harassment, dating violence, marital rape, and stalking. Coercive control needs to be similarly named and recognized, so we can begin to address it. We all need to learn more, so we can offer the right kinds of support and not allow victims to become isolated.
* If you don’t like the word “victim,” feel free to substitute “survivor” or another term that you prefer.
Looks Charming to Others
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD on September 17, 2015 - 4:38am
Yes, JY, it is very common for people who use Coercive Control to look charming to others outside their family. They may go out of their way to be helpful to neighbors and co-workers. They also try to demonstrate to others that they are a loving boyfriend or husband, which makes the woman look crazy to others when she complains about his behavior (this is one form of the abuse called "gaslighting").
I've written quite a bit more about this in my book, Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, as well as in additional columns here on Psychology Today and in the Huffington Post. Maybe you can share some of this with your aunt. Most importantly, don't allow her and her son to become isolated.
Coercive behavior
Submitted by Joan on September 17, 2015 - 5:50pm
This is my daughters marriage. She keeps shutting me out. I don't know how to help her. I thought of sending her this article
But I do not want to make things worst between us.
Coercive Behavior
Submitted by Gale Pierce on September 18, 2015 - 1:34am
Send it to her. The life you save could be hers. She shuts you out because he makes her do it.
Your daughter's marriage
Submitted by Nell on September 18, 2015 - 7:31am
Joan, I too went through the same exact situation with my adult daughter. Her boyfriend of 3 yrs and father of her young son began controlling her the moment they moved in together. Slowly, she started behaving differently and distancing herself from her family. We had always been close & this was near impossible for me to watch happen. I staged an intervention with the friends she'd estranged, her twin brother, and other family members. At this time we didn't have concrete evidence of abuse, but we knew something was wrong and that he was the source of the conflict. She denied any abuse-physical or mental (even though she cried for two hours straight) she wasn't ready to give up her dream of the "family" she'd always wanted and wasn't ready to give up on her boyfriend because her son needed a "father". We later found out that he had been beating her, even slammed her head into a wall making a hole in the drywall. He belittled her daily and told her no one would ever love her because she was useless, fat, and ugly. Now mind you, this is coming from a 98 lb. skinny as a pole, ugly (inside & out) with a mouth full of rotten teeth. A drunk fool that couldn't hold a job and never graduated high school. My daughter was in college when she met him, but her best friend had just died suddenly and she was having an identity crisis. This a-hole saw that she was weakened & vulnerable. He treated her like a queen until she was hooked AND pregnant with his child!
Before I took her & my grandson home to the apartment they shared with the boyfriend, I pulled over to the side of the road. I broke down. Tears streamed down my face and I laid everything on the table. I told her that even though I didn't believe her that he was this great guy she claimed he was; that we just didn't know him like she did... I would take her word for it & trust her judgement-because I raised her to be an incredible person with a solid head on her shoulders. What I said next is key:
However, if for any reason, ANYTHING EVER CHANGES, she can call me, day or night, 3 pm or 3am...NO QUESTIONS ASKED & I will come get her & the baby. They can stay as long as needed or go home the next day. NO QUESTIONS. PERIOD.
I told her how important she was to me, how much she is loved and valued, and that if anything ever happened to her, I'd rather die in her place, than live without her.
It took about 6 more weeks. She called me on Thanksgiving Day in the middle of our holiday meal. I have never been so happy to not eat! Even though I was scared to find out what had happened, I knew that she'd had enough. Finally. Unfortunately, it took him physically abusing his own 2 yr old son (he slapped him across the face) and proceeded to yell at him for crying! Unbelievable!
Your daughter will need to get to her own "enough", her own line needs to be crossed by her husband, whatever that may be. You just make sure that she knows...without a doubt...that you will be there waiting for her when she does. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. The reason I stress this point so much is this: it's an incredibly low point to acknowledge being a victim of abuse or domestic violence. The last thing they want or need are 50 questions about what happened. Trust me, she'll tell you when she's ready. Until then, support, support, love, love, and support some more. It took my daughter over 18 months to get back to the spunky, outspoken and fun person she used to be. She dated MANY men that used her for anything & everything. She needed time & acceptance of her mistakes & poor judgement. Not judgement from me. She was already too hard on herself.
Your daughter just needs to know, beyond a doubt, that when she is ready....you'll be there for her.
I hope this helps you. It's a horrible feeling knowing what's happening when your child is being abused. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame her. As hard as it is. Just wait for her. You can do it. I did. Also, I'm glad to say she's engaged to be married to an awesome man in Aug. 2016. Good luck!
Moving Story and Wonderful Advice
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. on September 18, 2015 - 12:26pm
Your story is moving, Nell, and the advice wonderful. I'm glad your daughter's story appears to have a happy ending, and wish you all the best!
I hope you will spread the word about the term, "Coercive Control." I think it's so useful but just not well known enough yet.
thank you so much for your
Submitted by Joan on September 18, 2015 - 4:03pm
thank you so much for your advice. It helps to know other parents have dealt with the same problem.
scary
Submitted by say it again on October 20, 2016 - 3:16am
Having done all the right up bringing it is scary you gave your daughter away to a devil.
I have a daughter ... Is not a slow dating, finding out, slow integration, slow acceptance the way to deal with potential partners to our children?
For some reason they are quick to impregnate... Or get pregnant.
Its unfortunate abusers are part of our society.
Best we can do is protect ourselves and our children.
Great read...
Submitted by Danelle Johnson on October 31, 2016 - 12:26am
This was very uplifting and great for others who may have suffered from something similar and your advice is great. I'm so happy I met my fiance before kids or marriage was involved. This article really helped me put a name to this type of treatment and abuse. Now that I've left, I know there is better for me and hopefully a great husband like your daughter is in store for me. I will say I am afraid to date military men after him because once he got back from deployment it was worst and soon after I realized this isn't the life or man I want. My counselor said thank God I got out before because so many woman stay and it gets worst. I knew my worth, and if anything that made him more mad. Ohh well, he can find his next victim but it won't be me. My final straw was ONLY 3 months after engagement he pushed me excessively and then on the bed and twist my body, flipped me over and cracked my neck. Afterwards, he acted as if it didn't happen and said maybe he blacked out (even worse) and left me stranded and wouldn't take me home. He wasa great manipulator who made me feel like it was all my fault. He moved in with me which be didn't like me being the breadwinner and I happy to say 8 months of living with him and I broke off the wedding plans and have been happier since. It was hard at first, but I'm a better person now. It's only been 3 months since breaking it off and I'm not sad anymore. It's really sad that you can almost marry someone who wears a mask...I listened to my own gut and not my single friends that still told me to get married. I sold all the wedding stuff, took the rings back, and kept all 3 of my dresses for a real day. Oh, and course he had to move out. I started fresh by moving out and getting another place myself. The key for me was to not look back because he knew what to do to reel me in. I hope to help others in this situation. Thanks for your story! The only difference is my Mom isn't a great example because her husband is emotionally abusive and I think with more support I would of left sooner, it really helps to have guidance and I didn't grow up with much. I guess I'm lucky to know who I am and my self-worth. I've told my Mom to leave her husband and that if I can do it, she can too. Any word of advice I can give my Mom?
advice about your mom
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. on October 31, 2016 - 9:20am
Congrats on reclaiming your life. In terms of what can help your mom, the most important thing is to stay in touch. Don't let her become isolated, and communicate to her regularly all the things you appreciate about her (for example, that she's warm, loving, funny, smart, persistent, a survivor, whatever. Real things--don't make them up--but it's important to counter the negative messages she may be getting in her relationship). If it's safe, you could consider sharing with her a variety of my blog posts on coercive control, and perhaps even my book, Invisible Chains, which sells for about $13 (cheaper as an e-book). It's written to be accessible and has helped a lot of people connect the dots between the various ways in which they are being mistreated in their relationship. There's a chapter in that book on how to help someone in a coercive control relationship. Maybe it would be helpful to you. Don't try to take over or tell her what to do. Help her explore her feelings and her options but--ultimately--pushing her probably won't work. She's already being pushed at home. She needs to be empowered to evaluate her decision herself, weigh the risks, and make her own decisions. Often an advocate at a battered women's organization can be helpful--even if there's no physical violence.
Best wishes.
For Lisa:
Submitted by Danelle Johnson on October 31, 2016 - 12:33am
Also Lisa,
I responded to Nell's story. But since I left this abuse and moved on can you please tell me signs so I will know for next time? It's really hard to configure because these abusers start off so nice and charms everyone. I don't want to push away a good man because of my past or seem insecure. A list would be great..
Entering a new relationship
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. on October 31, 2016 - 9:39am
It can be tough to strike a balance sometimes between being appropriately wary of new relationships because we're afraid that we'll be abused again. on one hand, and wanting to have our hearts open so we can enter in safe, wholesome relationships and all the joy they can bring.
In my book, Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, I have a chapter called: Feeling Like Yourself Again: Recovering from Coercive Control. It includes a series of questions to ask yourself as you get involved in a new relationship, to see whether this is a "repeat" of the abuse, or a healthy relationship. I hope this list might be helpful to you. Perhaps the book is available from your local library.
Book
Submitted by Danelle Johnson on October 31, 2016 - 1:15pm
Thanks I bought the e-book! I hope it will help me have a successful future relationship.
Your daughter
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. on September 18, 2015 - 12:21pm
Try to stay connected to her. Can you visit? It's possible that her email is being monitored....(very common). Perhaps you could email the link to the group of people--including her--and say something like, "I saw this article and thought all women should read it." That might create less of a strain in your relationship or put her less at risk if her email is being monitored. If you see her, you could also print it out for her and let her know you are concerned, that undoubtedly not everything applies but maybe some of it will. I have sections of my book on how to help someone you are worried about who is subject to coercive control. It is AGONIZING for friends, family, and sometimes even professionals to worry about a person who is being controlled and isolated. Best wishes to you both,
me too
Submitted by Viv on January 17, 2018 - 5:34pm
Joan, this sounds like my daughter as well. She has become isolated from her whole family that she once loved.
It's heartbreaking that she defends her husband who claims to be 'protecting' her. What on earth can one do?
How to help a victim of coercive control
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. on January 18, 2018 - 2:11pm
Joan, there is a chapter in my book, Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, about how to help someone who is in a coercive control relationship. I think this would be helpful to you.
I think it might also be helpful to have her look over the checklist of controlling behaviors. Sometimes people in this situation do not connect all the dots. Stay in touch with her. Don't be critical of her or her man. Give her a lot of space to express everything that's good about the relationship, as well as the problems. Google the word "perspecticide." Be supportive. And see if you can expose her to some information that may help her better understand her situation. Don't expect changes to happen overnight. You are planting seeds.
My best,
Lisa
I believe my son is in a relationship like this
Submitted by Anon on September 17, 2015 - 5:56pm
My son was recently divorced and he met a young woman who became pregnant one month after his divorce was final. This was not planned on his part. He was high school sweethearts with his ex wife and they have one son. The child was born and the mother has systematically excluded everyone from my son's life. She is mean and cruel to his ex wife and is mad at me for being cordial and kind to his ex wife. My son has nothing to do with any of his family except his one and only sibling. We had a terrible argument that she started. He's refused to discuss the argument or the fall out with us. He is in NC and I believe this is at her demand. When one of his friends told him that she feels she has tried very hard to befriend the new wife he told her that getting to know her was a "process". There is NO process to knowing her I believe she wants to isolate my son to control and manipulate him. She loathes the ex wife and for no reason. She never did anything to her. She tried desperately to disparage her to me but I wasn't buying into it. I tried giving her the benefit of the doubt but have learned worse she is a liar and manipulator. She is cruel to my grandchild my son's child and he tells me about it. I've also witnessed who rage when the new baby was born. I am broken hearted and have reached out to him to no avail. She has his ear and he is listening to no one but her. I truely believe this woman has cluster B personality disorder if not just a plain sociopath. Abusers are NOT just men. And I am worried about my grandchildren especially the one by my son's ex wife. I don't know what I will do if she ever hurts him physically!
Anon
Submitted by Joan on September 17, 2015 - 6:23pm
Anon I am sorry about your situation
I been in therapy for the past year. It helps me.
I guess our children have to learn from their own mistakes
As frustrating as it is.
I agree Joan. I'm in therapy
Submitted by Anon on September 18, 2015 - 9:07am
I agree Joan. I'm in therapy too. And yes they do have to figure it out. I have faith they will. Good luck to you
Dis loyal mother in laws
Submitted by Rachael on September 17, 2015 - 7:29pm
Your son's ex wife is his ex wife because she either didn't love him enough or he didn't love her enough. They had a child together so sadly he has to keep in contact with his big life mistake his high school sweetheart. His new wife is not going to trust you when you keep liking his ex wife more than her. She possiblyy likes her ex boyfriends mother much more than you. But you are both stuck with each other. I know I dislike my mother in law (disloyal bitch is how I think of her for her continued friendship with my husband's ex wife) even more after 5 years than when I first knew her.
Kind of unfair judgement of poster
Submitted by JustStuff on September 18, 2015 - 3:16am
R- do you think you might be projecting on the poster your own feelings toward your MIL? Whatever your relationship is with your MIL is not automatically the posters experience. The poster has valid concerns and deserves to be heard and respected regarding her situation.
Rachel. I'm sorry you have a
Submitted by Anon on September 18, 2015 - 8:04am
Rachel. I'm sorry you have a bad relationship with your mil. It happens sadly but you couldn't be more wrong. We're it only me I would agree with you and I'd be working hard to figure out what I am doing wrong. But it's not just me. It's everyone he ever had a past with. My son and his ex had a very amicable divorce and we're getting along fine with regards to their child. I had very little to do with the ex besides being cordial at events where we were in each other's company for the sake of my grandchild. But yes now we are much closer since the new and only recently became his wife. This article is about a person who controls and isolates people in relationships. She is doing that and yes my son is allowing it. But if this is how he wants it he's an adult and I am not interfering with them. I see my one grandchild through his ex wife's kindness and largesse. We don't see their child out of her paranoia, jealousy, need for control and manipulation and her isolation tactics. It's very sad. I've tried to be very kind to her but to no avail. So has everyone else and still nothing. It's very weird. This is not my son. She's def in control. I know he will regret it someday and hopefully she will too. I don't want anything but the very best for all of them.
JustStuf. Thank you and I
Submitted by Anon on September 18, 2015 - 9:13am
JustStuf. Thank you and I think this is indeed the case with that poster. I feel for her too. The article is about supporting people in anusive relationships and I truly believe this is the case for my son. I've heard way too many stories from others, not just what I've experienced. However it's very difficult to be supportive when they accept the abuse and isolation. I know my son is scared of her. He's afraid she will run off with their child and patronizing her is the path of least resistance. But you can't support someone that doesn't want your help. It's almost like Stockholm syndrome. Very scary
Your son's relationship
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. on September 18, 2015 - 12:31pm
Yes, occasionally women can use coercive control against their men partners. And even if it's not full-blown coercive control, women can be bossy and controlling and isolate their male partners (typically, men victims don't feel physically afraid, sexually coerced, and threatened in the same way women victims do, ).
Stay connected to your son as much as you can, make overtures to the new wife, and stay connected to your grandchildren. That's about all you can do.... Best wishes. I hope it gets better.
coercive abuse and reality
Submitted by hu man be ing on January 31, 2016 - 6:28am
Thankyou to those of you who are reasonable enough to see that this difficult issue us not simply one of men abusing women. For those of you who do not habitually demonise men thankyou for recognising that men experience all manner of coercive and direct abuse in this world at the hands of others...men and women. Our goal here is surely toP create a fair truthful caring outcome for all individuals. Check most websites articles on this subject online and you will see that consistently men are being portrayed as evil - where women are portrayed as pure flawless and above reproach. This is not realistic... Is not the case, and never was. Failing to appreciate that relationships can be difficult and painful for both men and women allows for an increasing anti-male sentiment which is divisive and cruel in itself.
Best wishes to all those suffering at the hands of confusion.
I Agree
Submitted by English Lady on April 7, 2019 - 7:54am
I find it incredibly frustrating that almost every single article on this subject assumes the abuser is male and the victim female. Even when you try to search specifically for abuse of men, Google seems to turn the genders around.
This page is also sadly, guilty of demonizing men. Almost every article on emotional abuse on here presupposes men are the abusers, and include pictures of woman on the receiving end. Yet the research I have done shows that the number of women being subjected to emotional abuse is actually not a great deal higher than men.
One article (I think it was by this same author) had a child using male pronouns and automatically assuming the men was doing all the abuse, when figures given at the beginning showed only a one percent difference between the number of women to the number of men being abused.
There was a study in Australia which suggest that certain forms of abuse like threatening to take children away or lying about a partner were marginally more common among women.
I will also posit the question: what about boys abused by their mothers, or stepmothers, or another female relative? Remember David Pelzer? Boys like him don't show up in the statistics of men being abused, but if they did, I think they would show a far higher prevalence of female perpetrators.
Finally! Someone gets it!
Submitted by Lisa on September 17, 2015 - 6:54pm
This is all too common, unfortunately the domestic violence help suggestion is only a solution if one's life is physically in danger and this can be proven, and even then, good luck. With psychological and emotional control and abuse, there is zero proof and zero available sources, you fly solo on that one. The real problem occurs when this person is a fantastic charmer and "everyone loves them" because then they play victim and get tons of "help" from their network of friends/associates/whatever and the true victim is sooooo screwed. Chances are the victim does one of two things, accepts defeat or does something really stupid to "save" themselves.
3rd option
Submitted by Lisa on September 17, 2015 - 6:55pm
Or they find that they become this person themselves, sometimes a combination
Good info - 30 years too late
Submitted by A Reader on September 18, 2015 - 2:45am
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER... This is great information but I am not sure if all those caught up in this behavior would recognize it, and if they did would know what to do about it, due to long term mind control. If they wanted to leave, where would they go without help that they do not have due to the long term abuse and control, isolation, lack of financial support (other than housing), husband in a position of authority where others are also afraid of him, etc etc. How about therapists that drop the victim in the middle of shock and hysteria? How about a shelter counselor saying, "You can't prove anything you have told me but you write very well and should write a book." .How about inlaws who knew exactly what was going on and said, "We don't want to get involved". Much, much more but it doesn't matter ...... there are more laws and help to stop those who abuse animals than there are for abused women.
Good Info--30 years too late
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. on September 18, 2015 - 2:43pm
If I understand what you are saying, I'm sorry this information did not come on time to help you. Let's hope today and tomorrow's victims and potential victims can have greater access to resources so they can "get out" or--better yet--avoid succumbing to coercive control relationships altogether.
I'm glad you appreciate the piece!
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. on September 18, 2015 - 2:39pm
I'm glad you appreciate the piece, Lisa. Many people (especially women) have endured the situation that you describe. Some nations have enacted legislation to clearly make illegal the most blatant forms of coercive control--such as stalking and cutting off access to resources. This legislation acknowledges that even though the "harms" might not look "so bad" when viewed individually, when you add them up it IS truly a big deal, and illegal. Great Britain has such laws which are due to take effect in October. It'll be interesting to see how it plays out.
As neighbors, family and professionals become more aware of coercive control, I hope they'll be able to be more helfpul.
cresive control
Submitted by Grace Ditchfield on December 28, 2018 - 12:03pm
thank you for this great article.
it's so painful to recover as in my case I was striped from everything. I can not understand why a person that I not just loved but did so many kind acts to and his family was taken advantage of with such a cruelty.
8 months after going thru divorce my lawyer basically took the same approach- charged me 12,000 plus 5,000 retainer only to do a standard work and to sum up :
told me " i have a feeling he knew what to do with legal advice" and when I questioned based on what he did and how i was told - the judge will not listen no time and they don't care about this.
when i questioned the billing and overall what i paid him to find out what i know - he just sent to court a motion to withdrawal .
so that i was put in debt and have nothing all i have to do is buy therapy sessions so my brain can be washed again so i can accept this horrible injustice, cruelty?
how is this even possible ?
and I know this story is a story of many women.
I am sorry what you went through, Grace
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes, Ph.D. on December 28, 2018 - 10:15pm
Being impoverished by lawyer's fees is certainly adding insult to injury. Sometimes law firms will offer pro bono (free) services through your local domestic violence agency. I have begun serving as an expert witness in some cases of coercive control. Especially if there was no physical violence, so often attorneys and judges just don't get it. I hope that will change with time.
If you reach out to your local DV agency, they may offer you support that will help you heal.
Best wishes to you,
Lisa
Domestic Violence
Submitted by Anon on September 17, 2015 - 7:22pm
Contacting someone for domestic violence support never works. The system is flawed.
I was stalked, harrassed and humiliated, I had a hate group formed by him about me with ridiculous claims about my character and people who had never met me in their life jumped on board because it sounded right, my mailbox was flooded with mail, my email box was flooded with accusatory messages, I couldn't get away from it.
I was drug into court over outrageous neglect and abuse claims that were initially ignored until the court system got tired of dealing with him and he eventually took my child from me after persisting on hammering the issue constantly for so many years.
Fix the system and then maybe women can do something about it. As of right now, the system in place doesn't do enough to protect women who are harrassed and abused by these people. I think there is plenty of pretty clear evidence of that. Please tell me why these things are allowed to happen? No one should have to go through this.
imagine
Submitted by blank on September 18, 2015 - 5:48am
Imagine being a male in a similar situation.. There's zero help, plenty who obviously know what's going on and get a kick out of it.
Domestic Violence....
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. on September 18, 2015 - 2:50pm
So sorry for what you have endured. We just have to keep working to make the system better.
Agreed
Submitted by tigerlilly on April 25, 2016 - 2:59pm
Yes. The system is entirely flawed. There is no true "system" only facades that boast a helping hand. And when one takes that hand the one in need gets in a deeper pile of doo. I, personally, will sit in my Coercive relationship, adapt to and adopt the coercive behaviors and survive. That's all I can do.
Bird's eye view
Submitted by shishir on September 17, 2015 - 7:49pm
Being a rooky psychologist I find myself compelled to throw some light on article.As
1- Its talk about a case which very common even most of parents use this so called "coercive control".And all most every couples at some point of time. But people who are not much aware and vigil will start seeing their partner's as "coercive controller" due many reasons such "hindsight "and "correlation effect" .
Certainly this "coercive control "exist but to identify it correctly some factors must be considered such as "Frequency" i.e.How often your partner uses coercive control? On daily basis weekly or rarely..?
Other factor is nature of subject. As being partner sometimes couples try to save their partner from making a mistake or against exclusion in making an important decision. what they do falls under category of coercive control.
Degree of threats, as in you did this/that "your not gona have sex today" or serious threats like desertion..etc.
It could be just a punishment/reward approach too.
So folks don't go rampant judging or divorcing your partner after reading this article, trade carefully after all its your life.
And not to mention but while reading this article, It seemed more biased towards men. But "coercive control" is used by women as well.
finally, I just intended to improve the quality of article nothing more.
I agree shishir, after
Submitted by vove on September 17, 2015 - 9:26pm
I agree shishir, after reading the list, I thought damn, I must be a nightmare, lol
Yup, you're a rookie
Submitted by Lisa on September 17, 2015 - 9:41pm
Clearly you are a rookie, did you happen to take a 101 course and memorize a few terms to toss around so you think you understand this concept?? This is psychological and emotion abuse at it's finest and it happens more often than people think it does because it is near impossible to prove, there are no bruises, broken bones, or bloody noses. The perpetrator is the nicest most adaptable person to EVERYONE, until you're behind closed doors or they meet a fellow jerk with the same views. Meanwhile, the "victim/survivor" constantly battles through that bs until it almost breaks them down or they develop some really jacked up defense mechanisms. I may not be an expert when it comes to educational knowledge of psychology, but I do have extensive experience with this.
Yup, you're a rookie
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. on September 18, 2015 - 3:05pm
Lisa, it sounds like you do know this problem well....If you ever get a chance to read my book kindly shoot me an email. I'd be interested in whether it fits what you know. Surviving and thriving is the best revenge, right?!
Dear Lisa if you read my
Submitted by Shishir on September 18, 2015 - 11:35pm
Dear Lisa if you read my argument open-mindedly you'll find that I never denied the fact that such abuse do exist.
my point is the definition in article is not good enough for normal people to go around and judge their own or else's relationships on basis of this article alone...as you can see in above comments people are doing so.
Secondly I don't know what you have experienced but plz don't let experience overshadow the psychological knowledge.
and lastely this whole discussion is about identifying such abuses and to put an end to it But with precision and accuracy.
"Bird's Eye View"
Submitted by Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. on September 18, 2015 - 2:54pm
I'd just like to respond to two things you wrote.
Yes, DEGREE of control is important. We're not talking about saying a bossy thing occasionally, we are talking about DOMINATION in many spheres including isolation and depriving the other person of access to resources such as money, transportation, and relationships.
And second, what you call "just a punishment/reward approach" is entirely inappropriate in a couple relationship. That is coercion, that is control.
Thanks for your comments.
I don't claim to be 100%
Submitted by Shirshir on September 18, 2015 - 11:52pm
I don't claim to be 100% accurate or even 1%.
all I am trying is to put some aspects which are near to this subject. so that we could reach to a better conclusion (only if there exist a better conclusion).
About reward/punishment approach it not totally out of picture as being a more knowledgeable person you must be knowing that, this approach is used to control behavior. I don't know about your vicinity but in mine I can see many couples using this either to approve or disapprove some certain behavior in their partners. That's why I put it forward.
However thank you for reply and
Have a good day
No more likely to be men!
Submitted by Christina Lopez on September 17, 2015 - 8:36pm
I disagree that this kind of abuse is mostly from men to women. There are at least as many women that expect absolute control of where their "man" is going, doing, eating, and talking to at all times. Many many women belittle and degrade the men they are with in public and in private. The main difference is that women are applauded for controlling the men they are involved with - no one calls it abuse even though it is the same behavior.
The only difference between abuse by men and women is that men have been steeped in physical violence as a solution for conflict (superheros, guns, video games, etc.) since birth and women are not.
Woman are abusive too
Submitted by JustStuff on September 18, 2015 - 3:33am
I was going to post much the same thing.
Most of these articles are aimed at women who are abused by men. It's actually quite upsetting because it' sets up men as the villains just waiting for a victim and women as victims in waiting. It negates the very real experiences of men who are verbally, emotionally, and physically abused. It also ignores same sex/bi/transgender relationship dynamics which are just as vulnerable to abuse as any man/woman relationship.
I've grown rather frustrated with this one note playing on endless loop, women are victims, men the perpetrators. Life is complicated and messy and people of all stripes are capable of great kindness and great damage regardless of gender.
I've seen women be physically abusive to men and nobody calls them out and often silently condone it. Some even feel entitled to it. I've seen same sex couple beat each other up.
The awareness needs to shift and expand to fully encompass the world we live in rather than the one we are told we live in.
People can do wonderful and terrible things to each other but if we only acknowledge and talk about one aspect of life then we are creating a dangerous environment for those left out.
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Well done for your couregeous comment
Submitted by English Lady on April 7, 2019 - 8:12am
Thankyou for this brave comment Chistina! It also annoys me how these articles, whether consciously or not, always assume a male perpetrator and a female victim. Even the illustrations (its always a man behaving aggressively to a scared looking woman), reinforce that.
I believe women are more likely to get away with controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour, as it will often be dismissed as simple 'bossiness', 'nagging' or being 'assertive'.
In fact, I would go as far as to say popular culture encourages and celebrates abuse of men, by having them depicted as stupid and incompetent, always being put down or outdone by a super strong and super smart woman. Men are often depicted in belittling and demeaning way: often British men in American TV shows: but that's a separate issue.
Women exacting summary 'punishment' on 'misbehaving' male partners by destroying their possessions, harming their pets, lying about them, turning kids against them, or even aborting their child as a 'punishment' for a long ago misdemeanor is often played for laughs, or portrayed in a positive light.
Also, lets not forget how often the media depicts women slapping and hitting men. If a man was depicted as hitting a woman even once, it would be abuse. Sometimes, the social expectation that a gentleman should never hit a woman is even intentionally subverted, so that a woman can beat a man , and he will not defend himself because he is so 'chivalrous'.
To the author: what do you
Submitted by Anon on September 18, 2015 - 8:09am
To the author: what do you suggest I do? I'm seeing a therapist over all this. I reach out kindly to my son through texts bit there is no response. I know he's hurting from info I've gotten from his sibling, yes his sib dislikes the new wife intensely. I encourage his sib to continue being supportive to the brother and try to ignore the wife's juvenile behavior. It's so weird!
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