Grief and Ambiguous Loss During Estrangement

I was waiting in line to enter the church for the funeral. I couldn’t believe he was even having one... A church funeral? The only times I ever remembered him going were Christmas Eve or Easter, but whatever—I shrugged it off. Why was I having these thoughts at a time like this? Why does it matter when he went to church? She probably was the one who arranged it anyway...

Then, suddenly, a tap on my shoulder.

“You’re not allowed in here,” a man said, standing firmly by the door like some kind of Christian bouncer.

“What do you mean?” I asked, shock written all over my face. Maybe I was supposed to go around the back, in some type of special family section? Yeah, that would make more sense.

“His wife said not to let you in.”

“But… that’s my father,” I said, my voice rising. I noticed the security guy didn't even flinch at the mention of the funeral being for my father.

“He died. And I can’t go to his funeral?”

People were starting to stare. Part of me didn’t care. My father had died, and I was being told that I wasn’t allowed to grieve him. I stood frozen as distant relatives, faces I hadn’t seen since childhood, filed past me into the sanctuary. They were welcome, but not his only daughter. A second cousin cried openly, dabbing at her eyes with tissues, and I felt an immediate surge of irritation. How dare she grieve so loudly, so freely, when I wasn’t even allowed inside?

Source: FlyingRaven from Pixabay

Suddenly, I am jolted awake. It was only a dream.

You’d think waking up would bring relief, but it didn’t. Because this kind of dream is one I have often—and it’s one many of my clients share, too.

The Invisible Pain of Ambiguous Loss

Ambiguous loss is a feeling of loss when the person is physically alive but relationally absent, and it is a type of loss that often goes unrecognized in our culture, making it especially painful and isolating¹. A parent who abandoned you, or an estrangement with someone who’s alive but unavailable, creates this kind of grief that doesn’t fit neatly into our cultural rituals around loss and grief.

This isn’t like a death, where rituals, casseroles, sympathy cards, and memorial services mark the loss and allow others to acknowledge it. And, perhaps even more importantly, these rituals create space where the survivor is allowed, even expected, to feel sad for a while. To grieve. To mourn. And to be seen in that mourning.

Instead, with someone who is technically still alive, there is no clear line between “they’re here” and “they’re gone.” Instead, survivors are left in a gray area of uncertainty, carrying a form of grief that, while just as (if not even more) painful, has no formal outlet or recognition. This ambiguity "freezes" the grief process, ²making it difficult to move forward or find any peace. Instead of moving through the stages of grief, they often circle back again and again to what went wrong, trying to make sense of a loss that they feel unallowed to grieve.

The dream of my stepmother refusing me entry to my father’s funeral reflects the weight of ambiguous loss that I carry with me daily. In the dream, I’m barred from a ritual that should offer closure, surrounded by distant relatives welcomed in while I am left outside. My subconscious processes this ambiguous loss by staging scenarios of exclusion, showing how I’ve often felt shut out of his life, even while others were welcomed. I have quite literally been refused entry; and, in that refusal, denied the chance to grieve.

Dreams often serve as symbolic expressions of ambiguous loss³. That sense of exclusion mirrors the lived experience of being cut off from a parent long before their death. Dreams like this often surface when grief has no outlet and when the brain and soul struggle to make sense of what is going on. This form of loss lingers in the subconscious: it stays with us.

Validation Can Help with Healing

If you are struggling to make sense of this form of loss, it is important to remember that your grief is real. It is no less valid, and no less deserving of recognition. Naming the experience as ambiguous loss can help some survivors with language for something that they struggle to recognize. This is an important step towards the self-compassion we need for the grief we hold.

Grief Essential Reads

Letting Go and Letting Go and Letting Go After Loss

No One’s Ever Really Gone After They Die

If you are struggling with grief or loss, a therapist can help.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.